The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

byrner88 wrote: »

The man who invented the red card died.

He got a good send off!

https://asset-5.soup.io/asset/14428/5722_5b5e.jpeg

Bob Harris

I've started giving my friends nicknames after high street shops

You could be Next!

Capt'n Midnight

Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has Alzheimer's knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife.

And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead.

You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house.



But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face..

Capt'n Midnight

My wealthy neighbour told me she wants to change her will, and she's going to leave everything to me.

I told her to feck off and hire a solicitor.

Capt'n Midnight

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect.

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH...

Capt'n Midnight

Police are investigating a raid at Tiffany's in London.

The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can, holding on to one another's hand.

ohnonotgmail

Apparently my local Neighbourhood Watch had a meeting about dealing with the weirdos on our street last night. I must have missed the email invite.

ohnonotgmail

somebody tried to cheer me up the other day by telling me i wasn't fat. "Chin up", they said. "No, the other one"

Edgware

Marriage is like a game of cards. You start off with a Heart and. Diamond and finish up wishing for a Club and a Spade

TheChevron

What's Mr T's favourite yoghurt?

A petit filous

fryup

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..

"Bollocks to that," said Paddy, "That's the last time I go lion dancing."

coolhull

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old friends .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honeybunch,? " asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the
only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, gorgeous...but at the bar..you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer,
so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, cutesy wutesy, but at the Bar they are serving hors d'oeuvres, tried them last time I was there those that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
"You want hors d'oeuvres, honey bunny?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes
of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey.. At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f***ing going
anywhere! Got it, ar**hole?''

........and so they lived happily ever after...
Now, isn't that a sweet story?

upupup

A man say's to his wife..."Hey Honey,I'v decided to go out for dinner tonight so put on your coat"

The wife says "Oh wonderful,,you're taking me out?"

"No!...I'm turning off the heating"

Capt'n Midnight

I just turned on the telly to see Man City women's team playing in another half empty stadium.







Just like the men do.

auspicious

Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman were taking a late flight from Dublin to New York in a three engine plane.
Half way into the flight there was a shudder. The pilot announced over the speakerphone " I'm terribly sorry ladies and gentlemen but due to loss of power in our right-hand engine our arrival in New York will be delayed by half an hour. We apologise for any inconvenience."
The two lads tutted and swore a bit.
About another hour in, there was an even bigger shudder followed by a jolt.
Once again the pilot made an announcement, "We are so sorry ladies and gentlemen to inform you that we have now also lost power to our left-hand engine. Due to this our arrival time will be delayed by a further hour."
The two lads look at each other aghast.
"For f**k sake!" says Paddy Irishman " If that last engine goes we'll be up here all night!!"

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." And gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto."??

wexfordman2

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

No eyed deer!!

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?

Still no eyed deer!!

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?

Still no fxxing eyed deer.

wexfordman2

What do you call a parrot sitting on your car bonnet ?

Pollyoncarbonnet

What do you call a parrot sitting beside your car ?

Pollybycarbonnet.

What do you call a parrot with an umbrella ?

Polyunsaturate

wexfordman2

What do you call a women standing between two houses ?

Elaine.

Between to goalposts ?
Annette

What do you call a women with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

What do you call a women with both legs the same length?

Noleen

What do you call a man with no legs and no arms at your door?

Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool ?

Bob.

What do you call a man with a car on his head ?

Jack

What do you say to the same man with a car on his head up a ladder ?
Hi jack

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a woman with dissimilar legs and a kitten on her shoulder ?
Cathleen.


What do you call a man on the end of a pier ?
Rod.


What do you call a man with shotgun ?
Eamon.


What do you call a man hanging from the ceiling ?
Sean D'leer.

blade1

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What do you call a man hanging from the ceiling ?
Sean D'leer.

And his Welsh wife Sian.

M5

Someone dropped a power tool on my head the other day.

One minute I was fine, then BOSCH!

el_gaucho

What do you call a guy with a shovel on his head?
Doug.
What do you call a guy without a shovel on his head?
Douglas.
What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his nose?
Warren.
What do you call a guy drilling for oil?
Derek.

Capt'n Midnight

In a royal statement, apparently the new baby "cannot be named yet for legal reasons."


Already committed a crime eh ?

JoeEJ

Two attractive women see two striking young men standing at a bar. They make conversation saying how the men look similar.

The men say 'we're triplets'. The girls say 'you look so alike but there's only two of you?'

The two men say 'yea, I'm Matt, he's Pat and our triplet Tat is in the mensroom'. When Tat comes out to the bar, the girls laugh and say 'how is he your triplet, hes much shorter and looks nothing like you two?'

Matt says 'well, there was a tit for Pat' and Pat says 'there was a tit for Matt' and they both say 'but there was no tit for Tat...'

byrner88

A man goes into the confessional box.

He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars.

On the seat is the latest copy of Playboy.

Finally, the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the wrong side."

ericl

A WARNING TO ALL MEN!

Women are using date rape drugs called "blowjobs"
to lure men into scams called "relationships"

joe40

What do you call a black man flying a plane....









A pilot you racist asshole

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a nocturnal janitor with a bird of prey on each shoulders?


Hawk Kestrel man hoovers in the dark

byrner88

I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.