The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

M.T. Cranium

Why do elephants never finish their posts on the internet?

Because they are always trunkated.

RobMc59

Apparently theresa may rang Scotland manager Alex mcleish to ask him the best way to get out of Europe.

el_gaucho

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?

Oh look, there’s a herd of elephants coming over the hill.

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill?

Nothing, he didn’t recognise them.

fussyonion

There should be more good jokes instead of the corny childish ones.

Purple Mountain

The Eir forum on here is ceasing next week..


For the enhancement of their customer service.

blade1

Purple Mountain wrote: »

For the enhancement of their customer service.

You can't polish a turd

byrner88

Just got fired from my job as a gynecologist.

Apparently its "Inappropriate" to sing "Chim chiminey, Chim chim cher-oo!" while you work.

Capt'n Midnight

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?

A: Sir.

byrner88

Had sex with my girlfriend in the car last night,

It was pretty uncomfortable,

I wish we'd dropped her parents off first

M.T. Cranium

That's okay future son-in-law, we were on our devices and didn't notice.

patmac

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

That's okay future son-in-law, we were on our devices and didn't notice.

So was the girlfriend and she didn’t notice either.

blueser

fussyonion wrote: »

There should be more good jokes instead of the corny childish ones.

Go on then fella; when you're ready.

whiskeyman

fussyonion wrote: »

There should be more good jokes instead of the corny childish ones.

I'd cut you up, but I'd cry...

blade1

fussyonion wrote: »

There should be more good jokes instead of the corny childish ones.

Lives up to username

McMurphy

Following on with the elephant gags.........

A man appeared at his local A&E in obvious distress and discomfort.

Upon being asked what exactly was wrong with him, he told the nurse that he had a problem down below, was quite embarrassed by it, and would prefer to see a doctor.

Behind the screen of the curtain, the doctor appeared and asked him what seemed to be the problem.

"It's better that I just show you doctor" said the man, and with that he unzipped and unbuttoned his trousers, pulled his trousers and pants around his ankles and bent over to display an arse hole that was almost a foot wide, and clearly infected.....

"My Lord!" Said the doctor, "I have never seen anything like this in my whole career, what on earth happened you?" He asked.

"Was on safari in Kenya" said the man, "and a horny bull elephant tried to have sex with me" he replied.

The doctor peered over his glasses suspiciously at the man and said, "look, I know I'm a doctor, not a vet, but would I not be correct in saying that an elephants penis is long and slim, not long and broad"?

"You would" said the man.......












"But the fcuker fingered me first"

Capt'n Midnight

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.



Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

coolhull

I found a wallet of money on the street today, so being a good Christian, I thought to myself, "What would Jesus do?"
So following the example he set..... I turned it into wine.

byrner88

I went to a Porn Addicts Anonymous meeting today.

What a bunch of ****.

byrner88

The other night my grandma walked in on me having a **** she was so shocked she had a stroke......

surprisingly soft hands for a pensioner.

Bob Harris

If I had a euro for every girl that found me unattractive...

They would eventually find me attractive

upupup

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't,,,you get down off a duck.

milltown

byrner88 wrote: »

Just got fired from my job as a gynecologist.

Apparently its "Inappropriate" to sing "Chim chiminey, Chim chim cher-oo!" while you work.

I got the bullet from the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time a client walked in.

whiskeyman

I took outdoor art lessons in the Canadian woods, so I brought a tranquilizer gun to paint by numb bears

chewed

How do you make holy water?







Boil the hell out of it

joeguevara

Whats the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You cant make an en zyme!

M.T. Cranium

Who is Hobin Rood?

clue: he steals from the poor, and gives to the rich.

M.T. Cranium

So when the rest of his merry men assembled, Hobin Rood had to break the bad news.

"I can live with this new way of naming us," he said, "and it makes no difference to Maid Marian, but then there's Friar Tuck here ..."

waynescales1

German friend of mine opened a barber shop in the area recently. I know him as Hans but back home people call him Herr Kutt.

byrner88

"A man walks into a bar and finds a pirate seated at the bar.
The man takes a seat next to the pirate and notes the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The man strikes up a conversation with the pirate and eventually works up the courage to ask him about his deformities.

"I'm terribly sorry if this is too personal, but how did you come to get your peg leg?"
The pirate shifted in his seat he looked back at the man and said,

"Aye. 'Tis no trouble, lad. Lost me leg from cannon fire during a ship fight!"
Pressing further, the man asked, "Wow, that's incredible. And your hook? What's the story there?"

"Ah. The hook! The hand went during a sword fight. Lost me hand, but got the booty!"

Astonished, the man said, "You must have a crazy story for the eye patch then!"

"Aye the eye. Lost it after a seagull crapped in me eye!"

"You can lose your eye from seagull poop? I never knew!"

"No no no. Twas the first day with me hook."

ericl

Why do people think crotchless knickers are sexy?

I tried them and my girlfriend couldn't stop laughing at my bollocks swinging out of the gap.