The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

People walked out of the Spice Girls concert last night because of dreadful sound problems.

A sound engineer has been sacked for causing the issues.




He left the Mic's on.

byrner88

My wife told me she was leaving me because I was too clingy.

"Ok," I said, "I'll come with you."

TheBody

I just bought a beehive that had no exits in it. Unbelievable....

everlast75

Me - I'm scared of The Backstreet Boys

Therapist - tell me why...

Me - *screams*

dilallio

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

byrner88

"Paddy, I've noticed you pushing your bike to work the last two days?"

"I know, the chain's snapped but I've got my sandwiches and flask in the basket!"

"Why don't you just carry them?"

"Don't be stupid, how could I push me bike then?"

Yermande

A lot of people say to me, "Hey you, what are you doing in my garden?" - Michael Redmond.

Bob Harris

A man goes into a pub one evening, sits on a bar stool and orders a drink.

As he is sipping his beer, he looks around and spots an attractive lady sitting at the opposite end of the bar, taking dainty sips of a cocktail.

Suddenly - she sneezes, and in the process her glass eye pops out of her head and rolls slowly down the top of the bar surface in the direction of the man.

He instinctively puts his hand out and grabs it. He is so proud, and in an act of chivalry, he walks up to the other end of the bar and returns the glass eye to the lady.
She is well impressed .

They proceed to spend the rest of the evening chatting, laughing, and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, when the bar closes, the lady says “Why don’t you come back for a nightcap?” and they both taxi to her apartment.
Then follows a night of fabulous passion !

In the morning, the man has to leave for an appointment, but before he goes, he snuggles up to the lady and says “Do you do this with every man you meet in the bar?”

She replied “No... only with those who catch my eye”

Bob Harris

I’ve recently been dating a homeless woman.

Things are getting serious.

she wants me to move out with her.

M.T. Cranium

You'll camp under that bridge when you come to it.

Bob Harris

Another thing to consider is that I'll be eating out every night.

blade1

And she can never kick you out!
Starting to sound like a great idea already!

Capt'n Midnight

What's the Local Property Tax like ?

Bob Harris

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What's the Local Property Tax like ?

It used to the through the roof but now it's sky high.

byrner88

I popped into the supermarket to buy a packet of condoms and as I got to the checkout, the cashier asked, "Would you like a bag with that?".

"No", I responded. "She's not that ugly".

its_steve116

I gave my smoking instrument to a South American jungle animal to smoke from.

It was my pipe on Tapir.

TheBody

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

Bob Harris

its_steve116 wrote: »

I gave my smoking instrument to a South American jungle animal to smoke from.

It was my pipe on Tapir.

You may come back and explain that.

donegal_man

Bob Harris wrote: »

You may come back and explain that.

Thank God it's not just me!

its_steve116

Bob Harris wrote: »

You may come back and explain that.

There is some stupid programme on ITV, "Love on an Island" or whatever, and apparently some of the contestants on it go on about how contestants they like are "my type on paper".

Capt'n Midnight

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey.......


But I turned myself around








And that's what it's all about.

byrner88

After finding out Paddy had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.

"It was amazing" Paddy gushed. "As we were both virgins made it even more special, it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."

"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.

"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door" Paddy replied.

byrner88

Hello Everyone.

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous meeting.

I see alot of new faces here tonight.

Capt'n Midnight

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and that's when the trouble started.

Edgware

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and that's when the trouble started.

The old ones are the best

its_steve116

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and that's when the trouble started.

He died in 1996.

g6fdyotp5nj2l7

its_steve116 wrote:

He died in 1996.

They're still trying to get him in the coffin

rogni toyda

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road

chewed

I asked my local HMV store where they kept their Terminator DVDs.

"Aisle B, back"

ohnonotgmail

i still remember the first time a girl sat on my face.
it was the last time i ever loaned anybody my A Team action figures.