The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

byrner88

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

TheBody

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said: “I bet I know what you’re favourite festival is.”

He replied: “Have to love Easter baby.”

VicMackey1

Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam?

When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^

ha ha!

chewed

A paramedic was called out to a vegan couple who'd overdosed on vegetables.


The first thing he did was take their pulses.

byrner88

I got home and my wife is watching a film with a tear in her eye,

"What's this old **** you're watching, and who's that miserable **** in the suit? " I asked.

"It's you, and it's our wedding video, " she replied.

fryup

An irishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!

blade1

goodbyenight wrote: »

What is the local newspaper in north County Wexford called?

The Gorey Details.

Ooh, I wouldn't have the guts for that!

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Bob Harris

It was my girlfriend's dream, to get married in a castle.

You'd never have known though.

Judging by the look on her face as we were bouncing around

Capt'n Midnight

It's a little known fact that during the second world war as the German Enigma machine was being cracked, Alan Turing's sister Kay provided the sandwiches, cocktail sausages, drinks and cakes.

fryup

Two Pakistani junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka.

ericl

Cliff Richard was in China when a fan came up shouting 'Criff! Criff!
I'm ur biggest fan! Me ruv ur songs my favourite is Itchy Sore Fanny!.

Cliff's a bit shocked and says hes never sung such a song.Yes u have Criff!
It goes ITCHY SORE FANNY how we dont talk anymore!

FFred

I bought my friend an elephant for his room...

He said "Thanks!"

I said "Don't mention it."

fryup

^^^^^^^^^

i'm dim..please explain

everlast75

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^

i'm dim..please explain

You don't talk about the elephant in the room

tobsey

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^

i'm dim..please explain

You never mention the elephant in the room!

chewed

tobsey wrote: »

You never mention the elephant in the room!

What elephant?

Suckit

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for.

He said 'Genius'

Suckit

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall to her..

I said maybe..

waynescales1

What time do children prefer to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty.

byrner88

Wife came home from work to find her husband watching the football. "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football. You think about nothing else," she said. "I'm also seeing someone else. He's younger than you, handsome, understanding, tender, treats me like a queen, does anything I ask, has a 9 inch cock and ****s me hard and dirty till I can't take anymore." "Really?" The husband replies. "What football team does he support?"

Capt'n Midnight

I dropped into my cousin last week. "wow your ceiling is very high"

says he "it was the wife's idea. Knocking two rooms into one"

ohnonotgmail

a mate of mine had his first book published. its all about poltergeists. Apparently it is flying off the shelves

byrner88

The man who invented the red card died.

He got a good send off!

paulbok

byrner88 wrote: »

The man who invented the red card died.

He got a good send off!

The man who invented the yellow card was supposed to sing at the funeral, but he was already booked.

VicMackey1

Walking in the countryside the other day, I saw two cows fighting in a field. I think they had some beef!

What do you call a cow that beats up the other cows.




Bully Beef!

Capt'n Midnight

Ironically if you vote for the Green Party, you waste a piece of paper

Capt'n Midnight

As I get older, I find that I miss my wife more than ever. My reflexes aren't as quick as they used to be ..