The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

CAN ADMINS DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS UNMENTIONABLES. HE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON!

Hal3000

A guy applies for a job in Dublin zoo. Floats into the zoo one morning for an interview. Dude interviewing says the role is to wear a Gorrila costume and jump around the enclosure. Turns out the Gorrilas are lazy b*stards and people aren't bothered watching them. Guy says fair enough and takes the job. Next day he's jumping around the enclosure in the costume. Kids are into it, but he has to do more. Boss tells him to climb a tree and jump around more. He climbs the tree, but then falls into the Lions den. He's screaming like mad " help help help". The lion races over and says " shut the fcuk up or you'll get us all caught " !

frag420

Such a stressful day today, I cant wait to get home and rip my mothers knickers off tonight...












...They are very uncomfortable and making my thighs chaff!!

Capt'n Midnight

"Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains..."


The doctor advises them to contact Facebook to set it as one of the gender options on the sign up menu.

Panthro

I once looked at the world through the eyes of a woman with one boob...it was weird being a first person hooter!!

waynescales1

Anyone hear about the man that drowned in a bowl of muesli?

A strong currant pulled him in.

Panthro

waynescales1 wrote: »

Anyone hear about the man that drowned in a bowl of muesli?

A strong currant pulled him in.

I heard it was a cereal killer

patmac

waynescales1 wrote: »

Anyone hear about the man that drowned in a bowl of muesli?

A strong currant pulled him in.

That’s nuts.

everlast75

What has two wings and a halo?


A chinese phone

chewed

What do you call nasal sex?


Fúck nose!

Capt'n Midnight

The difference between a physicist and an engineer when new equipment arrives.

A physicist plays around with it, inevitably breaking it, and only then looks at the manual.

An engineer looks at the manual and then breaks it.

M.T. Cranium

Some hippies were walking along a beach, puffing on joints and dropping the butts.

They left no tern unstoned.

joeguevara

New scientific evidence has come to light that one pint of beer takes nine minutes off your life.
According to my calculations, I died sometime in September 1845.

joeguevara

I was seeing two girls called Marjorie and Catriona. They were grand but annoying. I met someone else and split up with them and it them hard. I saw them blubbering in a bar and had to do something. Knowing how much they loved Madonna I tried to cheer them up by crooning them with my all time favourite ‘don’t cry for me Marje and Tina, the truth is I never loved you’.

I didn’t learn my lesson. Next girl I was seeing was Lorraine. She was never going to last but didn’t have the heart to break up. That was until I met Clara. I knew I had to finish it. I think she got the message when I told her my fave karaoke song was Jimmy Cliff’s ‘I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone’

byrner88

A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living.
Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?"
"Yes, miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R."
"Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?"
Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the police and he's a constable."
"That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell constable?"
"Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again."
"OK, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?"
"My dad works for Ladbrokes, miss," says little Johnny.
"Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell Ladbrokes?"
To which little Johnny replies, "No, miss, but I'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes **** in that book."

byrner88

I've decided to set up a small business to buy old, unwanted jewellery.

If you want a valuation, give me a ring.

New Home

the_pen_turner

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Eric"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Eric. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Eric, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Eric. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Eric , he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Eric, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Eric .."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Eric. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

TinCanMan

My wife told me that "Sex is better on holiday".
.
.
Not the best postcard I've ever received.

RobMc59

In the news today a man dug a 12 foot hole before he realised his metal detector was picking up his steel toe cap boots.

Capt'n Midnight

BEWARE !

Restaurant toilets are very dangerous!


Most of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

M.T. Cranium

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

But apparently she moved out, the shoe was up for rent.

They say she got the boot.

GBX

"Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?"

"ICU baby, shaking that ass"

ericl

Will the person who lost their iPhone outside Tesco.

Please stop ringing my new fuk'n number.

coolhull

Four guys are hanging out. One of them says, “Hey, did you know 1 out of every 4 guys is gay?”

Larry says, “I hope it’s Chuck because he’s really cute.”

byrner88

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'
The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."
Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."
"Um... the head."
"Good. Eight seconds."
"Um... the heart."
"That's right. Five seconds."
"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"

byrner88

IRISH MAMMY

Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.
So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?
LOVE PADDY
Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!
LOVE MAM.

byrner88

A man walks into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asks for half a head of lettuce.
The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter
Walking into the back room the boy says to his manager "some tosser wants to buy half a head of lettuce" as he finished his sentence he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly said "and this gentleman offered to buy the other half"

The manager approved the deal and later said to the boy "that was quick thinking I was impressed with how you handled that situation, I like someone who thinks on their feet.

"Where are you from son?"
"Originally from Finglas sir"
"And why did you leave Finglas?"
The boy answered "Sir there is nothing there but footballers and whores"
"really?" said the manager "my wifes from Finglas"

"No s***t the boy replied "Who does she play for?

SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED
Sipping her drink, the SINGLE girl leered and said
"Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The ENGAGED woman giggled and said
"That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The MARRIED woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.
I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.
I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

"Hey, Batman, What's for dinner?"

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!