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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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patmac

A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started toexamine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

Capt'n Midnight

Suckit wrote: »

I take it European money?

If not then urine trouble.

whiskeyman

Suckit wrote: »

I take it European money?

I just started a useless helpline service for Euro zone citizens.

It makes no cents

Capt'n Midnight

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

Suckit

byrner88 wrote: »

I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.

I take it European money?

GBX

I was in the pub a few months ago when these 4 huge bastards started mouthing off.

"Pretend we're the police" my mate said ...

I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the sh1t out of us!

chewed

How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin divers

byrner88

Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency.

I said, "999."

byrner88

I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a nocturnal janitor with a bird of prey on each shoulders?

Hawk Kestrel man hoovers in the dark

joe40

What do you call a black man flying a plane....

A pilot you racist asshole

ericl

A WARNING TO ALL MEN!

Women are using date rape drugs called "blowjobs"
to lure men into scams called "relationships"

byrner88

A man goes into the confessional box.

He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars.

On the seat is the latest copy of Playboy.

Finally, the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the wrong side."

JoeEJ

Two attractive women see two striking young men standing at a bar. They make conversation saying how the men look similar.

The men say 'we're triplets'. The girls say 'you look so alike but there's only two of you?'

The two men say 'yea, I'm Matt, he's Pat and our triplet Tat is in the mensroom'. When Tat comes out to the bar, the girls laugh and say 'how is he your triplet, hes much shorter and looks nothing like you two?'

Matt says 'well, there was a tit for Pat' and Pat says 'there was a tit for Matt' and they both say 'but there was no tit for Tat...'

Capt'n Midnight

In a royal statement, apparently the new baby "cannot be named yet for legal reasons."

Already committed a crime eh ?

el_gaucho

What do you call a guy with a shovel on his head?
Doug.
What do you call a guy without a shovel on his head?
Douglas.
What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his nose?
Warren.
What do you call a guy drilling for oil?
Derek.

Someone dropped a power tool on my head the other day.

One minute I was fine, then BOSCH!

blade1

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What do you call a man hanging from the ceiling ?
Sean D'leer.

And his Welsh wife Sian.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a woman with dissimilar legs and a kitten on her shoulder ?
Cathleen.

What do you call a man on the end of a pier ?
Rod.

What do you call a man with shotgun ?
Eamon.

What do you call a man hanging from the ceiling ?
Sean D'leer.

wexfordman2

What do you call a women standing between two houses ?

Elaine.

Between to goalposts ?
Annette

What do you call a women with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

What do you call a women with both legs the same length?

Noleen

What do you call a man with no legs and no arms at your door?

Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool ?

Bob.

What do you call a man with a car on his head ?

Jack

What do you say to the same man with a car on his head up a ladder ?
Hi jack

wexfordman2

What do you call a parrot sitting on your car bonnet ?

Pollyoncarbonnet

What do you call a parrot sitting beside your car ?

Pollybycarbonnet.

What do you call a parrot with an umbrella ?

Polyunsaturate

wexfordman2

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

No eyed deer!!

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?

Still no eyed deer!!

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?

Still no fxxing eyed deer.

[Deleted User]

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." And gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto."??

auspicious

Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman were taking a late flight from Dublin to New York in a three engine plane.
Half way into the flight there was a shudder. The pilot announced over the speakerphone " I'm terribly sorry ladies and gentlemen but due to loss of power in our right-hand engine our arrival in New York will be delayed by half an hour. We apologise for any inconvenience."
The two lads tutted and swore a bit.
About another hour in, there was an even bigger shudder followed by a jolt.
Once again the pilot made an announcement, "We are so sorry ladies and gentlemen to inform you that we have now also lost power to our left-hand engine. Due to this our arrival time will be delayed by a further hour."
The two lads look at each other aghast.
"For f**k sake!" says Paddy Irishman " If that last engine goes we'll be up here all night!!"

Capt'n Midnight

I just turned on the telly to see Man City women's team playing in another half empty stadium.

Just like the men do.

upupup

A man say's to his wife..."Hey Honey,I'v decided to go out for dinner tonight so put on your coat"

The wife says "Oh wonderful,,you're taking me out?"

"No!...I'm turning off the heating"

coolhull

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old friends .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honeybunch,? " asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the
only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, gorgeous...but at the bar..you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer,
so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, cutesy wutesy, but at the Bar they are serving hors d'oeuvres, tried them last time I was there those that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
"You want hors d'oeuvres, honey bunny?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes
of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey.. At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f***ing going
anywhere! Got it, ar**hole?''

........and so they lived happily ever after...
Now, isn't that a sweet story?

fryup

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..

"Bollocks to that," said Paddy, "That's the last time I go lion dancing."

TheChevron

What's Mr T's favourite yoghurt?

A petit filous

Edgware

Marriage is like a game of cards. You start off with a Heart and. Diamond and finish up wishing for a Club and a Spade