The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

everlast75

I eventually received my shipment of snails, a whole shipping container worth.

They marked it as "S - Cargo" ...

everlast75

A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break wind. She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud, disgusting blast.

The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.

"Um ... do you have a transfer ticket?" she finally asks.

"No, I don't," he replies. "But when we pass the next tree, I'll try to grab you a handful of leaves."

M.T. Cranium

Did you know that mushrooms played golf?

They have a tournament and the winner is known as the champignon golfer of the year.

everlast75

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.

The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

everlast75

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for two thousand roubles or one from Minsk for one thousand roubles.

Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk, and the people were so happy that they decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and so produce more cows like it.

Then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

But whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow didn’t want to know.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi for his advice.

They told the rabbi what had been happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away,”

they said.

“If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”

The rabbi thought about the problem for a minute and then asked: “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”

The people were amazed, because they had never mentioned where they had bought the cow.

“You are truly a wise rabbi,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?”

The rabbi replied sadly: “My wife is from Minsk.

Capt'n Midnight

My car failed it's NCT. It needs work on the suspension, brakes steering and bodywork.

I said to the mechanic "do you do shocks?" he said "yeah, it will be about 3 grand to get it back on the road"

everlast75

My mate reckoned he knew a Drag Queen from Greater Manchester.

I asked him whereabouts. He said he wasn’t sure, but he recalled him having a Wigan Address...

Capt'n Midnight

For the next month I'll be wearing pink to raise awareness for people who don't bother to separate laundry.

M.T. Cranium

Noah was finding it difficult to get good help after the flood.

He hired a young man named Cranius, and told him, "make the eagle soar, let the lambs gambol, and give the penguins fresh ice."

He retired to the bar for a much-needed drink. Pretty soon, two lambs came in and sat down to play video poker. Noah was quite quick on the draw, and he realized they were there to gamble.

So he rushed back to where Cranius was working, and found he had an eagle chained up, and was bashing it over the head with a rubber mallet. Don't know if it's sore yet, he remarked. Noah took the mallet away and said, "the penguins, what did you do to the penguins?"

Cranius replied, "well I am not daft, I knew you were joking when you said to give them fresh eyes. And anyway, they already have a pair."

Hoah was impressed. This was the best help he had found in ages. "Good work, Cranius, but next time I will write it all out for you."

Cranius then added, "by the way, the other intern said you wanted him to give the lions a meal, well he was so obedient to your word that our third intern is now no longer with us."

Noah said oh well, at least somebody here knows what I'm saying.

everlast75

My girlfriend says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse…

She says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

everlast75

I went to the hardware shop to get something to kill a mouse.

They sold me a little tub of poison. I asked "what do I do with it?"

They guy told me to sprinkle it all round the mouse's hole.

I said "If I could get that close to the f**ker I'd just hit it with a brick".