The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

jimgoose

Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: To be honest with you, it's an obscure number - you probably haven't heard of it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A boy says to a girl, So, sex at my place?

Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code.

Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?

Later on the girl is yelling, Cheese cheese, tomato tomato.

The younger brother says,

Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is.

She replies, okay, Jhonny meet me after class and we'll settle it.

But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students leave school Johnny makes his guess.

Blue Jhonny says

Nope says the teacher you got it wrong, she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money.

She follows Johnny outbut when they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

His dad says that mother fcuker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pu*sy before the end of the day!

Capt'n Midnight

Duck walks into a shop and says "got any bread?"

The shopkeeper replies "certainly this is a bakery, what type of bread would you like"

The duck says "I've well fecked this joke up haven't I ?"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.

The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.

The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

byrner88

I went skydiving today for the first time.

The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.

As we plummeted

He said : "So how long have you been an instructor? "

byrner88

We were having some friends over for dinner and my wife was getting nervous.

"When it's time to eat," she said, "do I say 'Dinner is ready' or 'Dinner is served'?"

I said, "If it's anything like your usual cooking, just say 'Dinner is ****ed'."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself.

In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.


What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?

They both have to pass the bar.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.

He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

GBX

A young South London woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Woolwich ferry."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week.

However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show,

Look, it's not the same hat.

Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.

Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day, the ship had an accident and sank.

The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day, then another, and another.

Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up.

Where the heck is the boat?"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Apologies for the double post. The joke sounds funnier when you read it twice. I hope.

Buford T. Justice XIX

natashaob6 wrote: »

Apologies for the double post. The joke sounds funnier when you read it twice. I hope.

*POOF*


And it's gone;)

frag420

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

*POOF*


And it's gone;)

There are a few more “jokes” that could do with a vanishing...

Capt'n Midnight

^^^^^

Did you hear about the magician walking down O'Connell Street ?

He turned in to Henry Street

frag420

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

^^^^^

Did you hear about the magician walking down O'Connell Street ?

He turned in to Henry Street

Soon after that he turned into George’s street and disappeared in a poof...

Capt'n Midnight

Some daft twit from Peru,
wrote Limericks that stopped at line two.

Capt'n Midnight

God and an Angel were creating Bees:

God sternly said “Make sure to have them be an important part in pollination”.

“Ok boss will do”. Replied the Angel.

Then God said “Have them fly with little wings and a sting in their tail”.

“Excellent idea my Lord” Agreed the Angel.



Then God said Excitedly “Oh oh and give them the greatest knees ever!”.

Capt'n Midnight

At a wedding in I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride right ugly"

"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."

Capt'n Midnight

Top Tip :

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00.

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.

I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.

I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.

It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

Your fu**king brother won't let me in without a tie.

Edward M

One day, three roofers were on a roof, taking a break and eating their
lunches. The Mexican man got tacos, the Italian man got pasta, and
the Blond-haired guy got a bologna and cheese sandwich.

The Mexican guy said, "If I get tacos again tomorrow, I will jump off this roof!"
The Italian guy said, "If I get pasta again tomorrow, I will jump off this roof!"
The Blond-haired guy said,
"If I get a bologna & cheese sandwich tomorrow, I will jump off this roof!"

---

The Next Day ----
All three guys looked in their lunch pails. Sure enough! The Mexican had
tacos, the Italian got pasta and the Blond got bologna and cheese!
Sooooo...they all jumped off the roof and they all died.

---- At Their Funeral ----
The Mexican's wife cried,
"If I only knew he did not want tacos... He should have told me!"

The Italian's wife cried, "If he did not want pasta, he should have told me!"

The Blond's wife said crying,
"Don't look at me... He made his own lunch!!"

thesandeman

frag420 wrote: »

Soon after that he turned into George’s street and disappeared in a poof...

Did he not turn into Moore Street to buy three lighters for a euro and left in a puff of smoke?

M.T. Cranium

Hello, I am a lawyer with the International Association of Blondes.

We have taken offence to some of these jokes about blondes. I am a blonde myself, by the way.

Now, we can settle this matter without the expense of a trial. A trial could cost you 25 thousand Euros, perhaps more. And you could lose, and owe us even more. But I am prepared to send you 10 thousand Euros if you will promise not to tell any more blonde jokes.

Yours sincerely,

Legally Blonde.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A drunk guy gets pulled over by a police officer.

The police Officer starts do a breathlizer test on him.

After the final test the officer says if you can pass this last test I will let you go.

So the officer says use the words green pink and yellow in one sentence.

So the drunk man replies

My phone went green and I pinked it up and said yellow.

Have a nice day officer!"

Bob Harris

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."

chewed

Why do cows have hooves?





Because they lactose

coolhull

A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 six nations rugby final, box seats. He paid €500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Molly she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

branie2

Where do cows go to see a film

The mooovies

thesandeman

coolhull wrote: »

ðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆðŸˆ

A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 six nations rugby final, box seats. He paid €500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Molly she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

The joke's on him. The Six Nations doesn't have a final!