The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Ted_YNWA

pleas advice wrote:

what did one albumen say to the other albumen in the club?

New Home wrote:

(See what I did there? )

Glair-ingly obvious

Mefistofelino

pleas advice wrote: »

what did one albumen say to the other albumen in the club?

"Got any yokes?"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!

A pastor hears this and asks, Why are you calling them 'dam fish.The boy responds, Because I caught these fish at the local dam.

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.

He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds,

That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes.

New Home

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

Glair-ingly obvious

BRAVO, Ted! Hats off to you and a slow clap in appreciation. :cool::)

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his p*nis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home upset.

His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my p*nis into the pickle slicer?

His wife gasps, My God, Bill, what happened?

I got fired.

No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?

Oh, um, she got fired, too.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, I want to be gorgeous.

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing.

This went on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the man's turn came, he laughed and said,

I wish they were all ugly again.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman.


My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.

I couldn't find the words to thank her.


How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

What do you call an explosive horse?

Neigh-palm.


One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.

We don't have Oleg to stand on.


A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.

Clever clogs.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.


You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.


What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?

Unstable.


I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.

I'm Ruthless.


What type of magazines do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

byrner88

My wife said, "Can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of women's underwear in your coat pocket?"

I said, "Yes. It's because you were being a nosey ****!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them. The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, Good morning, Onestone. He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, Good to see you, Onestone. Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Capt'n Midnight

I had an argument with a lollipop lady today.

She made me cross.

Capt'n Midnight

Happy to read in the news that fibre helps protect you against heart disease and bowel cancer, but they didn't mention if the speed matters I'm on 80mb, but might upgrade to 200mb if that helps

Capt'n Midnight

Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong He said, I have a 22 year old wife at home.
She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.

I said, Well, then why are you crying?

He said, She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports on TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.

I said, Well, why are you crying?

He said, For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the small hours.

I said, Well, why in the world would you be crying?

He said, I can't remember where I live!

byrner88

My wife's not speaking to me again.
On my passport application I filled in the Marital Status field as

"Unhappy."

byrner88

The wife and I were lying In bed this morning.

When she said she thought the romance had gone out of our marriage...

I wish she wouldn't disturb me when I'm having a ****!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A husband says to his wife, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.

The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies,

Your d*ck is bigger than your brothers.



Wife: How would you describe me?

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: What does that mean?

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Capt'n Midnight

Don't ever let 80s star Paul Young leave a hat at your house. He'll try and claim your property.

Capt'n Midnight

I enrolled on a course entitled “Idiots guide to Origami”.

You’re probably thinking “Why?”

Well, the answer is twofold...

Capt'n Midnight

A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!!

Capt'n Midnight

Last night at a party, I nearly choked on a shoestring !


I couldn't believe that someone had laced my drink.



...




And yes, I've been tripping all day.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A blonde is wearing a pair of socks that don't match, one is red and the other is white.

Her friend sees her out and says, "You know your socks don't match, right?

You're wearing one red sock and one white sock.

The blonde responds,

That's so weird! I have another pair just like it in my drawer at home.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals of the USA.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes she snarled.

I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do.

I memorized all the state capitals.

One of the guys, of course, said, I don't believe you.

What is the capital of Nevada? N, she answered.

coolhull

My wife asked for a bit of peace and quiet while she cook dinner.


So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm...

McMurphy

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, , a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Caledonian. a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scotsman, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Vanuatuan, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a bar..

The doorman stops them and says ‘sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.’

Emmersonn

A guy gives his friend ten puns hoping one of them will make him laugh.
Sadly no pun in ten did.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,

Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

The policeman said, Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!

The boy answered, I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema.

bonzodog2

THE END IS NEAR

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which reads:

"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells:

"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:
"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa, Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say:




"BRIDGE CLOSED"?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

jimgoose

I've taken up cage-fighting as part of my New Year fitness routine. Won my first bout last night - feckin' budgie never knew what hit him.

RobMc59

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said- "she's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said-"If you think she's beautiful you should see my girlfriend mate."
He saiď"why?,is she a stunner?"
I said"No,she's an optician!"