The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

TheBody

My mate Dave reckons that life on earth began in Dubrovnik.

He's a Croatianist.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?
His mom replies, I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom again are Fred and Mary up yet?

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, Do you know what I think?

His mom replies, Never mind what you think eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, Are Fred and Mary up yet?
Once again his mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?
His Mom replies, Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says l ast night Fred came to my room looking for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.

its_steve116

What is Andrew Broads favourite song?

Sugar Baby Love.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

Where are you hurting asked the doctor?

You have to help me, I hurt all over, said the woman.

What do you mean, all over asked the doctor?

Can you be a little more specific?

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, ouch that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, ouch that hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe, ouch
even that hurts, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoroughly for a moment and told her his diagnosis,

You have a broken finger he replied.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.


What's the difference of deer nuts and peanuts?

Peanuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

valoren

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!" And with that, Obama is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.

Clinton and Trump are now terrified. The second door opens, and it reveals a room filled with angry, rabid dogs. Satan's voice booms again "Mr Clinton you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these ghastly beasts!" And with that, Clinton is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.

Trump is now terrified. The final door opens, but instead of there being anything horrific, Trump sees the most drop-dead gorgeous young woman he has ever laid eyes on, with perfect skin, a stunning face, and thick flowing hair.

Satan's voice booms one final time "Ms Simon, you have sinned....…"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

The priest replies. Get out. You're on my side.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I was at a funeral yesterday and the priest asked has anyone got any kind words to say about for him?

It was greeted by silence.

Any friends any work mates the priest continued to ask?

There was still silence.

The priest then asked again can anyone say anything nice about this man?

A voice from the back said yeah, his brother was a bigger cu*t.

Capt'n Midnight

How much pirates do pay to have their ears pierced ?

A buccaneer.

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

How much pirates do pay to have their ears pierced ?

A buccaneer.

And then there was the deaf pirate. He'd no buccaneers.

And what the pirate who turned 80 say?

"Aye m'atey!"

What do you call a pirate with both eyes and both legs? A beginner.

My nephews have a book of pirate jokes.

Capt'n Midnight

What's a pirates favourite letter ?

You might say R, but it B. D. C.

What does a dyslexic pirate say?

Rrrrraaa!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy carried out every request his wife by had asked, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

His old pal was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy,

I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.

His buddy hung his head.

To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years

chewed

I just got an insurance quote for my DeLorean. €2,000!!!

I only want to drive it from time to time... 

its_steve116

What is an Essex boy's favourite Everly Brothers song?

"All I Have to Do is Reem".

Omackeral

its_steve116 wrote: »

What is an Essex boy's favourite Everly Brothers song?

"All I Have to Do is Reem".

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the boyfriend starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

Honey, would you give me a blow job?

Horrified, she replies are you mad? My parents will see us.

Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?

No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught the girlfriend says.

Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping replies the boyfriend.

No way. It's just too risky.

Oh please, please, I love you so much?

No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't.

Oh yes you can. Please?

No, no. I just can't.

I'm begging you he replies.

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,

Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it.

But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.

Omackeral

A chicken pie costs 2.60 in Jamaica
A mushroom pie costs 3.10 in Cuba
A leek and potato pie costs 2.85 in Barbados

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.


My wife keeps telling me that I’m the tightest person she has ever met in her life.

I'm not buying it.

christy c

its_steve116 wrote: »

What is an Essex boy's favourite Everly Brothers song?

"All I Have to Do is Reem".

Reminds me of:

Why do Essex girls wear furry knickers? To keep their ankles warm

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I’ve got good news and bad news ,the doctor said.

I’m afraid we’re going to have to amputate your leg.

Fu*king hell.

What’s the good news? I asked.

See that young nurse over there with the big tits?

I fu*ked her last night.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?

Student: Meat.

Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?

Student: Bacon.

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?

Student: Homework.

DS86DS

Does anybody remember this classic from Brendan Grace? Always cracks me up

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUHS2_y1xLk

https://youtu.be/CUHS2_y1xLk

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passing by remarks, If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady.

He replies, If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.


Two hookers where standing and one left and then came back awhile later.

One said I can smell the di*k in the air and the other one said excuse me I burped.

Paddy Cow

DS86DS wrote: »

Does anybody remember this classic from Brendan Grace? Always cracks me up

https://youtu.be/CUHS2_y1xLk

I love all the people fighting in the comments about whether or not it's racist :rolleyes:

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My friend thinks he is smart.

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.


What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

its_steve116

What does Joey Essex think of the song "Losing My Religion"?
He thinks it's R.E.E.M..

its_steve116

Did you hear about the edition of Love Island for South American rainforest animals?

It's my type on tapir.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A family is sat at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers,

Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.

Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry.This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?

The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.

Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry.This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.