The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

RobMc59

On Dianne Abbott's tour of Ireland she was asked if she liked County Down.
She said she preferred it when Carol Vorderman was doing it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied,

Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Little Lucy went next.

My dad owns a farm too.

Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.

Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

Next up was little Johnny.

My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.

He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.

On the way down, he drank the case of beer.

Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.

He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!

So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.

Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

The teacher looked a little shocked.

After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

Well,"Johnny replied,

Don't f*ck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.

byrner88

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.
‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.

‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'

The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.

While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.

How come you gave up so quickly?

The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's.

Capt'n Midnight

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

- old poker saying

everlast75

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland.

Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.

Ted_YNWA

everlast75 wrote:

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland.

Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.

There's not a trace of doubt in your mind now!

branie2

And you couldn't leave her if you tried!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you, the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

Alright," he says, I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

I know i'll have a shower of meat.

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

I've got it he cries, I want a meatier shower.

M.T. Cranium

K 2 that one.

(edit _ should have been K T' that one _ the event was known as the KT Extinction _ K 2 is the world's second highest mountain).

Dakotabigone

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

K 2 that one.

Google says no.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon.

The receptionist asks, Are you two sisters?

They chuckled and replied,

No, we aren't even Catholic.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.

As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina.

When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my p*nis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my pe*is out of your wife's vagina.

The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it.

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.

After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet.

Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.

So the doctor went deeper and deeper.

After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement.

She began to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted,

Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?


The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.

It’s still syncing.


The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her.

I said, No. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

Edward M

One of my colleagues at work phoned the boss this morning and said "sorry boss I can't come in today because I have a wee cough.
Boss exclaimed, 'you have a wee cough"?
Colleague answers, " really, well thanks boss, I'll see you next week".

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What color socks do bears wear?

They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.


What do you call a confused panda?

Bamboozled.


Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?

Because he was stuffed.


What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?

A drizzly bear.


What’s white, furry and shaped like a tooth?

A molar bear.


What’s black and white, black and white, black and white?

A panda rolling down a hill.


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.


Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?

It was a grizzly death.


What do polar bears have for lunch?

Ice burgers.


What do you get if you cross a teddy with a pig?

A teddy boar.

What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?

Camembert.


What do bears do when it rains?

They get wet.

What is a bear’s favorite drink?

Koka-Koala.


Why don’t bears like fast food?

Because they can’t catch it.


Why did the sloth get fired from his job?

He would only do the bear minimum.


Why do bears have fur coats?

Because they look silly wearing jackets.


Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they’re in black and white.


How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?

Bear conditioning.


What kind of car do bears drive?

Fur-aris.


To spell panda…. you just need p and a.


A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”


The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”

The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”


Why do bears have sticky fur?

Because they use honey combs.


What do you call a cemetery for bears?

Bearial grounds.


If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…

With my bear hands.


What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?

An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.


Two scientists, one from the Czech Republic and one from Austria, traveled to America to study the legendary grizzly bear.

When they failed to return from their first trip into the woods, two park rangers went looking for them and quickly tracked down a male and a female bear who’d been by the scientists’ campsite.

Their apprehension was proven justified when they tranquilized the female grizzly and found the remains of the Austrian.

The first park ranger said sadly, “You know what this means…”

The second ranger said, “Yeah, the Czech is in the male.”


What has no pants and screams like a bear?

A bear.


What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?

Robearto.


Why do grizzlies never look sad?

Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.


What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?

There was panda-monium.

byrner88

I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said, "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?"

"I'd say yes," he replied.

"Exactly," I said, shaking my head and walking away, "What the **** is wrong with women these days?"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass..

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Paddy just got back from his mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

Ity was a lovely service.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Paddy just got back from his mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

Ity was a lovely service.

Bob Harris

natashaob6 wrote: »

Paddy just got back from his mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

Ity was a lovely service.

natashaob6 wrote: »

Paddy just got back from his mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

Ity was a lovely service.

Was it the first serve or the second serve that got him?

everlast75

natashaob6 wrote: »

Paddy just got back from his mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

Ity was a lovely service.

Husband - what age was he when he died, dear?

Wife - Forty, love.

RobMc59

The Mrs asked what I was doing on the computer .
I said I was looking for cheap flights ...
She got all excited,which is strange as she's never shown any interest in darts before!..

branie2

Tourist: Is it is true that the Irish answer a question with a question of their own?
Irish person: Who told you that?!

byrner88

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

She slapped my face and stormed off. I'm never taking anyone wine tasting again.

byrner88

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."

byrner88

byrner88 wrote: »

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."

Good news first or bad news first?

Oh, good News please- I need good news now.

"The air-bag works"

Dakotabigone

A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Go right ahead," she replies.

"Plethora," he says.

"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

M.T. Cranium

Yeah, it did the last four times it was posted too.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

What do you call a nose without a body?

Nobody knows.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.