The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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I’m not sure why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on The Hulk. I mean, he’s essentially a giant banner.

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I misplaced half a sentence today. Lost four words!

Do loggers keep a log book?

McMurphy

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river.."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave, you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley,
across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said...

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?" 😂

its_steve116

Did you hear about the Essex boy who got drunk, collapsed and had to be driven home by a friend?

He can't REEMember that night.

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

Do loggers keep a log book?

They certainly lay a lot of logs!

whiskeyman

Deleted User wrote: »

Do loggers keep a log book?

Sure they do.


They keep it in the trunk...

Omackeral

its_steve116 wrote: »

What is an Essex boy's favourite Everly Brothers song?

"All I Have to Do is Reem".

its_steve116 wrote: »

What does Joey Essex think of the song "Losing My Religion"?
He thinks it's R.E.E.M..

its_steve116 wrote: »

Did you hear about the Essex boy who got drunk, collapsed and had to be driven home by a friend?

He can't REEMember that night.

Bob Harris

A recently married couple….

Him: oh, at last, I thought this day would never come, I couldn’t have gone on
another minute
Her: Do you want to leave me?
Him: Are you crazy, how could I?
Her: Do you love me?
Him: Of course!
Her: Have you ever been unfaithful?
Him: God no! Just thinking of it makes me sick
Her: Will you kiss me?
Him: At ever opportunity
Her. Would you insult me?
Him: You know I’m not that type of man
Her: Can I trust you?
Him: Yes
Her: Darling!

Now read it backwards after 40 years together….

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

Oh,I really liked it, she replied, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.

Dumbfounded, her date asked, What do you mean?

Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, Get the quarterback get the quarterback I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents.

New Home

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention: I laughed more than I thought.

its_steve116

How does an Essex boy eat his apple crumble?
With whipped c-REEM.

blade1

I'm losing the will to live.

its_steve116

Omackeral wrote: »

In case you haven't figured it out, I'm slagging Joey Essex. That's what the **** I'm doing.

Buford T. Justice XIX

its_steve116 wrote: »

In case you haven't figured it out, I'm slagging Joey Essex. That's what the **** I'm doing.

Mod note: And I'd say that joke is well done and finished now so we can all move on!


Buford T. Justice.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.

The other goes to Spain and is named Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband said but they are twins.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

its_steve116

What's spotty, laughs a lot and takes Es?
A HIGH-aena.

Omackeral

its_steve116 wrote: »

What's spotty, laughs a lot and takes Es?
A HIGH-aena.

The person's job it is to make Penguin wrapper/Christmas cracker jokes is safe for a while anyway!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My wife's got that fcuking fat,

I'm having to keep all the chocolate biscuits somewhere she can't reach.

On the floor.


What do we want?

A cure for obesity.

When do we want it?

After lunch.


I'm not saying my husbands fat cu*t.

But I've had to put an energy saving bulb in the fridge.

MaryBrosnan

A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Go right ahead," she replies.

"Plethora," he says.

"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France?
He was in Sein.

The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.

M.T. Cranium

^^ Seems like you've accessed my confidential medical records. ^^

(clue -- username)

its_steve116

If you're American when you go to the bathroom and American when you come out, what nationality are you in the bathroom?
European.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One day Bill complained to his friend that his tennis elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10.

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms.Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

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I just invented a new word: plagiarism.

jimgoose

Old Moynihan had a farm down in Kerry, along with a couple of employees to help run the place. The Department of Employment somehow got a notion that he wasn't paying people the statutory minimum wage, and wrote to him explaining that they would need to visit and interview him and his staff. On the appointed morning, the inspector arrived in the yard and met Mr. Moynihan...

"So Mr. Moynihan, why don't you tell me about your staff."

"Certainly. First, the farm-hand. I pay him €500 a week and he gets a free cottage. There's also the housekeeper, who gets €400 a week plus room and board in the main farmhouse. And then, last but not least, the Half-Wit."

"I beg your pardon??"

"The Half-Wit. Oh, he's wonderful, let me tell you about him. He works 16-hour-days and earns fifty quid a week and a bottle of Jameson, if he's lucky. He does 90% of the actual work around here, but he gets his dinner most evenings and occasionally, if he's lucky, gets to sleep with my wife".

"WHAT?!? That's the most disgraceful thing I've ever heard. I'm going to need to interview this... this Half-Wit!!"

"You already are!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Reporter: Excuse me, may I interview you?
Man: Yes
Reporter: Name?
Man: Abdul Al-Rhazim.
Reporter: Sex?
Man: Three to five times a week.
Reporter: No no! I mean male or female?
Man: Yes, male, female... sometimes camel.
Reporter: Holy cow
Man: Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general.
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?
Man: Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.
Reporter: Oh dear
Man: No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.

moeblogs

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing.
You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen
like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star
and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more.
He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always
immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died....... I'm married to his widow."

pleas advice

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

Mod note: And I'd say that joke is well done and finished now so we can all move on!

things, can only get better...

its_steve116 wrote: »

What's spotty, laughs a lot and takes Es?
A HIGH-aena.

...or maybe not.

what did one albumen say to the other albumen in the club?

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pleas advice wrote: »

what did one albumen say to the other albumen in the club?

"Merengue?"

(See what I did there? :pac:)