The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says, you have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, Do I have to take them every day?

No, replies the doctor, take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, how’s your husband?

Oh he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy.

I’m very sorry to hear that, says the doctor,

I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.

Oh the tablets were fine, says Mrs Murphy,

It was all the bloody skipping that killed him

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

natashaob6 wrote: »

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says, you have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, Do I have to take them every day?

No, replies the doctor, take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, how’s your husband?

Oh he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy.

I’m very sorry to hear that, says the doctor,

I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.

Oh the tablets were fine, says Mrs Murphy,

It was all the bloody skipping that killed him

You're repeating yourself...


Post #2149

patmac

natashaob6 wrote: »

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says, you have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, Do I have to take them every day?

No, replies the doctor, take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, how’s your husband?

Oh he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy.

I’m very sorry to hear that, says the doctor,

I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.

Oh the tablets were fine, says Mrs Murphy,

It was all the bloody skipping that killed him

You should have skipped posting that.

Edward M

I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my Wife.

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its' advice.

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort.??

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed..!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

patmac wrote: »

You should have skipped posting that.

Apoligies will try to post new jokes and not repeats.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Thaddeus Shaggy Satin wrote: »

You're repeating yourself...


Post #2149

Sorry. I will try not to repeat the jokes in the future.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a night club.

He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets.

They arrive at his place and head straight to his room.

Jill can't help but notice three shelf's full of teddy bears.

On the bottom shelf are small teddy bears,

on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally,

on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it.

Her heart melts and she wants to give him the best night of his life.

She gives him a bl*wjob, and lets him really give it to her, and she even takes it in the rear.

In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, How was that?

He nods and says, Not too f*cking bad at all.

Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!

Capt'n Midnight

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?

Put it on my bill.

A man knocks on a lady's door and said
'i'm terribly sorry miss but i ran over your cat,.

Because i'm responsible for its death i would like to replace your cat and the lady said thank you so how are you at you at catching mice then?

ohnonotgmail

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl said,

I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did the business.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

Why aren’t we going anywhere asked the girl?

Well, I should have mentioned this before,

but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.

joe40

There are two types of people in the world, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

milltown

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Some daft twit from Peru,
wrote Limericks that stopped at line two.

There was a young man
From Cork who got Limericks
And Haikus confused

Capt'n Midnight

Theresa May - The kind of negotiator to come out of DFS with a full priced sofa.

Capt'n Midnight

Police Officer: Now then, your Royal Highness, explain how the accident happened.

Prince Philip: Well, I drove out of the gates and swerved to avoid a pheasant.

Police Officer: You mean you swerved to avoid a peasant.

Prince Philip: Don't be stupid man. Why on earth would I swerve to avoid a peasant?

RobMc59

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope..

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings,

I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother,

Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground.

Before her mother could raise any concerns, Sally went on to say, It reminded me of a peanut.

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, Really small, was it?

Sally replied, No, salty.

Her Mom fainted.

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Police Officer: Now then, your Royal Highness, explain how the accident happened.

Prince Philip: Well, I drove out of the gates and swerved to avoid a pheasant.

Police Officer: You mean you swerved to avoid a peasant.

Prince Philip: Don't be stupid man. Why on earth would I swerve to avoid a peasant?

Did you make that up?

Ipso

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked this week, the guards are on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

Microdot

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill.
People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

Microdot

Two Ban gardai dog handlers are on the beat, one says "I'm cold I left my knickers at the station."
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers

Tell me how

joe40 wrote: »

There are two types of people in the world, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

There are 10 type of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

coolhull

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?

That's a bit bit like asking, "Other than that, Mrs Kennedy, how did you like our great city of Dallas?"

upupup

coolhull wrote: »

That's a bit bit like asking, "Other than that, Mrs Kennedy, how did you like our great city of Dallas?"

"Other than that,Melania..................?????":eek:

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it running smoothly.
What's the story asks the blonde?

Just crap in the carburator, the mechanic replied.

How often do I have to do that asked the blonde?

Edward M

A beautiful brunette goes to the doctor and tells him she is sore everywhere she touches her body.
He says show me.
She ouches her breast with her finger and says ouch, she touches her for head, ouch, her elbow, ouch, her knee, ouch, everywhere she touches the same.
The doc says, you're not really a brunette are you, she says no, I'm really a blonde.
Doc says, I thought so, your finger is broken.

Capt'n Midnight

As Prince Philip was leaving Sandringham the Queen asked him "Where are you going?"

"Just going for a spin" he replied

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

There were three nurses in a morgue.

They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard on.

The first nurse was very forward and said, Wow I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste.

After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.

The 2nd nurse did the same.

The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period.

After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.

After 3 minutes the man woke up.

The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a few minutes ago

The man replied, "yeah I was... But I feel great now I have had two jump starts and a blood transfusion.

milltown

I got fired from my job at the sperm donor clinic for saying "get a load of this guy" when anyone walked in.