The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

RobMc59

Glitter is to be banned this Christmas,a spokesperson said "it's been on the cards for years"!!.

M.T. Cranium

Raheem Euro wrote: »

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman & Welshman walk into a pub
The Welshman bought the 1st round
The Scotsman bought the 2nd
The Irishman the 3rd
The Englishman the 4th

They had a great night & came in as friends , left as friends.

Wouldn't the Scotsman be waiting to see if three would be enough?

RobMc59

Purchased a deodorant stick today,instructions said"remove cap and push up bottom"-I can hardly walk but when I fart it smells lovely!.

thesandeman

RobMc59 wrote: »

Purchased a deodorant stick today,instructions said"remove cap and push up bottom"-I can hardly walk but when I fart it smells lovely!.

^^^
So good you tried it twice?

simongurnick

A man walked into a bar...ouch!

byrner88

Only time of the year you can shout:

"dont come in here" from inside a closed room & people think your wrapping gifts and not ****

rizzodun

RobMc59 wrote: »

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

Told this at my sister in law's wedding years back, got a great laugh!

Especially as her maiden name was Fox.
:pac:

blade1

rizzodun wrote: »

Told this at my sister in law's wedding years back, got a great laugh!

Especially as her maiden name was Fox.
:pac:

Who did she marry,Dumbo?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs.

I said, But baby, it’s cold outside.


My wife wanted me to make her knickers wet so i bought her a washing machine.



I met my mate Tommy today who has one arm and i asked him where he was going.

He said he was going to to change a light bulb. I said to him that's going to be difficult with juat one arm.

He replied no it won't i have the receipt with me.

moeblogs

A couple are Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve,
In order to cover more ground they decide to split up and meet up
In a couple of hours,
After 2 hours have passed the wife phones the husband,
Where are you she asks,
He replies,
Do you remember about eight years ago back in the depths of the recession we visited a small jewellers shop on Christmas Eve and you fell in love with a diamond necklace,
But we couldn't afford it,

Yes she replied breathlessly,

Do you remember I told you that I would buy it for you some day,

Yes she replied tears welling up
In her eyes,

Well I'm in the pub next door.

coldfire1x

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

Try_harder

I've just seen The Nightmare Before Christmas.....

The Mother-in-Law's taxi has just pulled up outside.

coldfire1x

I asked a North Korean earlier "what's life like in north Korea?"

He answered "I can't complain"



My girlfriend told me I was too childish last week whilst we were shopping.

I was so shocked I almost fell out of the trolley.

Try_harder

I'll never forget the time Santa told me my parents aren't real.

Try_harder

Mary and Joseph,

now there's a stable relationship.

byrner88

Try_harder wrote: »

Christmas is the only time of the year where you can shout, "Don't come in here" and people won't assume you're having a ****.

really?? its a pity someone didnt post that before :rolleyes::rolleyes:

humberklog

Mick and Paddy arrive in New York in the mid 19th century. They're advised to head West where there was money aplenty to be made by killing Indians..."50 bucks a scalp!"

After days of wondering into the heartland they find themselves deep in a canyon...Paddy nudges Mick and says "Look up!".
High above them they spot over a hundred Indians looking down upon them.
Mick winks at Paddy- "Jayziz, we're rich beyond our wildest dreams!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says,You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,Do I have to take them every day?

No, replies the doctor, take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.

Hello Mrs Murphy,he says, how’s your husband?

Oh he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy.

I’m very sorry to hear that,says the doctor, I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.

Oh the tablets were fine, says Mrs Murphy,

It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!

TheBody

Got mugged by 6 dwarves last night. Not happy.

M.T. Cranium

Here's one you might be able to use after the Christmas meal with the in-laws ... hey, everyone has flaws, but you are a virtual skyscraper among men.

Capt'n Midnight

BREAKING NEWS:
GATWICK HALTS ALL FLIGHTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE , AFTER UNCONFIRMED REPORTS THAT A LITTLE BOY LOOKED UP AND SAYS HE SAW SANTA CLAUS.

foxy farmer

Sign in a local grocer shop.

Parents are asked not to leave babies and toddlers sitting on the bacon slicer as we are getting a little behind with our orders.

byrner88

If you were one of the many people on Grafton St or outside the Gaeity Theatre this evening you'd have heard Bono singing... If you weren't... well tonight thank God it's them instead of you....

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.


Mary was caught stealing a tin of pears from her local store and appeared in front of the judge the next day.

The judge said to her this is the third time you've been up in front of me for stealing.

He then asked Mary what did you steal this time?

Mary replied a tin of pears your honour.

He then asked how many pears were in the tin and Mary once again replied six your honour.

Ok Mary says the judge for each pair I'm going to give you one day in Mount Joy prison which totals six days.

With that Mary's husband stands up and shouts your honour she also stole a tin of peas.

byrner88

The wife wasn't happy I kept watching her on the cctv.

I can see where she's coming from

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

Well, whatcha gonna do about it? he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

This is the worst day of my life i say to him.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I dont have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me so I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all.

I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing but enough about me, how's your day going?

byrner88

Barman says to paddy," Your glass is empty do you want another one."

Paddy says “why the **** would I want two empty glasses?”

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The TV game show was really close. One contestant was asked to name 2 of Santa's reindeer.

The contestant gave a sigh thinking that he had finally been given an easy question.

Rudolph and Olive the contestant replief?

We'll accept Rudolph but can you explain Olive asked the host?

The man looked at the host and said, You know, Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Mick and Paddy are sitting at the bar.
Mick asks Paddy would you rather have Dementia or Parkinson?

Paddy says ah i would preferre Parkinsons as i would rather spill some of my pint than forget that i had one in front of me.

byrner88

"Will you take that bloody santa hat off!" fumed the wife."Hey! It's Christmas." I protested."Yes and it also happens to be my mother's funeral." she snapped back.