Now Ye're Talking - to a recovered drug user

Sinister Kid

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA wrote: »

Thank you. I cannot pin point it to any one thing. I do remember as a young boy filling myself up with sweets, I could not stop. This was my secret. It was as if I had some sort of hole inside me that needed to be filled. Years later I realise it was an impossible task to fill that hole.

I kept trying though, and would always get temporary relief. Yes I came from a stable background, I was quite sensitive, at times felt insecure, I cannot tell you why, just my make up. Drugs did for me what I could not do for myself.

The internal rambmlings of my teenage self were just too much, and I kept self medicating, again this is no one elses fault , I was always trying to make myself feel better.

I mentioned earlier about the drinking culture, I had arrived. I fitted right in, problem was,I never wanted party to stop, at the same time I never wanted people to know that I didn't want the party to stop.


So it really is a minefield. A gradual process. A very tricky and dangerous one to manoeuvre around. It kicked the **** out of me in the end. I understand how hard it is for someone to turn to their friends and say "I am beaten, I throw the towel in".

You just don't talk about it, and the internal rage is like a steam cooker, ready to blow.

You have the job, the house, the car, the opportunities, the holidays. Maybe I am gay, you tell yourself, you find out you are not gay. Dying on the inside and afraid to tell anyone... There has to be something wrong, maybe I need some sort of operation, take something out or put something in. You carry on, the lies and the deceit, until you realise it would be easier to die.

You throw the towel in ten times a day, but the pain is to much so you jump back into the ring. Might be different this time.

You get knocked around again, fck this , put the cards on the table and go into treatment get the professionals ro fix you, they are on good money right? Massage this pain out of me, put some spell on me, someone just fix me...

Like a little boy you try and let these professionals in, you try your very best, your family visit you, dazed and confused.

But these professionals and this cotton wool of a treatment centre are not there when you get out. It is just you and your head. It convinces you to have one more, you do, and the insatiable craving has started again.. Again you cannot stop, anyone close to you are saying "but, but...."

You have no answers, anyone in the world would say you shouldn't have had that first one, heroin is bad. You are lost for words, the self hatred and the internal rage is strong.

These drugs aren't working, you go back to the professionals who look as confused as you do. Get a hobby they say, in the meantime they come to a conclusion "This guy is on drugs, let's give him more drugs"

You really begin to think you are on your own, you isolate to die, but you keep waking up.

Then when no one is looking, you fold the four corners of the towel and you throw it into the ring, and admit total, complete and utter defeat....

Then the work starts because all those feelings of a twelve year old are back and you have nothing of substance to relieve them. But you hold on, with good people on your side who say , I know exactly how you feel, I was there to, this is what I did..

Your family is great, but they just don't get it, and never will... So you learn to not take offence, or listen to anyone who suggests it is okay to do coke at the weekends, or drink when Liverpool are playing. So what if they win the champions league, there are no more excuses.

You are still filling that hole, this time with wholesome stuff, meditation, friendship, honesty, self belief, hope, it doesn't feel as empty anymore, one day you say to yourself, it is okay to be me... Eureka !


#ramblings

This whole post speaks volumes.

You mentioned before that practicing meditation is a factor in in your recovery.
I think that mindfulness & meditation is an area that young (& older) people should be more educated in. The stigma surrounding mental health seems to be lifting these days, people are more aware & more open to talking about it, years ago this wasn't the case.
Do you think that teaching young people mindfulness & meditation, building their self esteem & teaching them that it is ok to believe in yourself & it's ok to be different would be a help in people not reaching for the crutch in the first place, be it heroin, alcohol, weed, pills etc

Gardabot1

Hello AMA

Apologies for not exchanging pleasantries sooner,(I WAS sceptical)I also went straight into question mode .

What made you do this AMA
(Did you apply, did someone know you and ask you to do it?)

Great AMA, and I think (personally) the "taboo" about speaking about drug use/abuse in Ireland is lifting, which will make it easier for people to seek help!

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Sinister Kid wrote: »

This whole post speaks volumes.

You mentioned before that practicing meditation is a factor in in your recovery.
I think that mindfulness & meditation is an area that young (& older) people should be more educated in. The stigma surrounding mental health seems to be lifting these days, people are more aware & more open to talking about it, years ago this wasn't the case.
Do you think that teaching young people mindfulness & meditation, building their self esteem & teaching them that it is ok to believe in yourself & it's ok to be different would be a help in people not reaching for the crutch in the first place, be it heroin, alcohol, weed, pills etc

Definitely, I really think emotional intelligence is paramount. Not just "classroom" intelligence. It was not something I knew about as a kid, just do this because thats what everyone else does just follow your peers, class mates and don't dare ask questions.

I was always inquisitive but that was not always welcomed. I try and constantly ask my kids how are they feeling, what is "pissing" them off so to speak, and most importantly try and listen. If they don't want to play GAA that is okay, if they have no interest in Church thats okay too. These are just examples.

Of course I fall short I am only human, but I try and see myself as them at their age and try and do things slightly different.

I always encourage meditation I found a good kids book before on meditation it worked wonders. The name escapes me. But then again it can be difficult to get kids to sit still. In a nutshell, yes it is totally fine for kids to be different and I always talk to them and listen no matter how hard it is.

Again, I have no qualifications in anything I just said.

hufpc8w3adnk65

Maybe a silly question but what's involved in preparing Heroin for injection and how long does the process take? Also does it become second nature to you as I'd imagine it's not straight forward and doing it while high must be difficult?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Loveinapril wrote: »

Thank you for your honesty and bravery in this thread. I am reading this thread with tears in my eyes. Your strength is incredible. I appreciate that you work at it every day but your willpower and committment to both your future and that of your family is just so so inspiring.

Thank You. I have just sent my wife the link to this thread, so if you don't hear back from me, my phone is probably stuck somewhere where it shouldn't be.

Let there be no secrets !

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Gardabot1 wrote: »

Hello AMA

Apologies for not exchanging pleasantries sooner,(I WAS sceptical)I also went straight into question mode .

What made you do this AMA
(Did you apply, did someone know you and ask you to do it?)

Great AMA, and I think (personally) the "taboo" about speaking about drug use/abuse in Ireland is lifting, which will make it easier for people to seek help!

HI GB,

No Problem, I just stumbled across it, and threw my name into the hat. I was aware there was lots of discussion going on about injection centres etc, and it is something very close to my heart. I filled out a form and boards got back to me very quickly. I then verified everything (well most of) what I said above with some third parties.

I have huge acceptance over my past, and who I am, I don't talk about it really, so I have been very blown away by the responses here. Very grateful to do it.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

MrMac84 wrote: »

Maybe a silly question but what's involved in preparing Heroin for injection and how long does the process take? Also does it become second nature to you as I'd imagine it's not straight forward and doing it while high must be difficult?

They say that heroin is the strongest painkiller in the world, so in order to do it, I guess you need to be in a lot of pain.

I am slow to answer this, as I do not want to dramatise it, but this is Ask Me Anything so I need to respect that.

You get a bag of heroin which may be the size of a thumbtack. Bite the top off and put it on a spoon. You then need something to break it down, as the Heroin in Ireland is awash with all sorts, so exchanges usually give you citric in sachets. Of course if you find yourself in a hotel in the middle of the night, a slice of lemon in some room serviced water would do.

You then add the water and bring to the boil, give it a stir, and let it simmer. Then the filter of a cigarette butt is rolled up (just a small bit of it) and added to the spoon. You then stick the needle into the bit of cotton wool and suck up the liquid through the cotton wool. That is important so no gunk gets into the needle, and then bobs your uncle, yes you get quite adapt at it.

Anyway, I hope I never have to do any of the above again

madmaggie

Thank you, AMA for your lengthy and moving reply to my question. Like many, I always thought of drug abuse as mainly a problem of the 'disadvantaged' areas. The only encounter I've had was while sitting on a bench outside St. James' Hospital. A young man sat down on the same bench and calmly assembled all his drug paraphenalia. I got out of there sharpish.

Buford T. Justice XIX

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA wrote: »

Thank You. I have just sent my wife the link to this thread, so if you don't hear back from me, my phone is probably stuck somewhere where it shouldn't be.

Let there be no secrets !

I'd like to echo the many, many thanks and well wishes to both you and your family for having the courage to give us a glimpse into your life and recovery and some of what it entails.

I wish you every success and continued clean living in the future.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Thanks, it has been great. I think this closes tomorrow if anyone has any more questions I can try and answer.

Gardabot1

Hello again!

How is your back?

What can be done in regards to Irish drink culture?

Any more saying that have stuck with you?
(Do a mile in my shoes, etc, etc?)

Best of luck to you and yours into the future!

hufpc8w3adnk65

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA wrote: »

Thanks, it has been great. I think this closes tomorrow if anyone has any more questions I can try and answer.

I think an extension would be warranted here

greendom

Thanks so much for sharing your story.


I was wondering what your recovery was like? Did you go into residential care for a time or were you able to keep working throughout.

Were there slips along the way and if so, were there particular triggers that caused them?

Thanks again.

Lisha

Op, I've found your posts to be thought provoking, informative and humbling. It just scares me how someone can initially start taking drugs socially and then can be hooked on seriously scary drugs.

I see my brothers peers and they dabble and it scares me.

Could anything have been said to you that would've made you alter your choices sooner? Or does rock bottom have to be hit for 'going clean' to work on a long term basis.

Also based on your experience, am I right to lock my children up until they are about 30??

Myself, I understand what you mean about trying to fill something internally that can't be filled. It scares me and I fear that I won't equip my children against this.

ThNks so much for this ama op.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Gardabot1 wrote: »

Hello again!

How is your back?

What can be done in regards to Irish drink culture?

Any more saying that have stuck with you?
(Do a mile in my shoes, etc, etc?)

Best of luck to you and yours into the future!

I Survived lol !

Some sayings I guess, that spring into my mind.

Keep your side of the street clean.
Keep it simple.
What anyone else thinks is none of your business
One is too many, a thousand never enough

There are lots more. Bit of brain freeze at the minute. Will add.

steddyeddy

Two questions OP.

Are you happy now and what was your moment of clarity? Thanks for a great thread and very well done for recovering.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

greendom wrote: »

Thanks so much for sharing your story.


I was wondering what your recovery was like? Did you go into residential care for a time or were you able to keep working throughout.

Were there slips along the way and if so, were there particular triggers that caused them?

Thanks again.

You are welcome. I did go into residential care for a few weeks, I was kind of economic with the truth for my absence with my employer.

I had sought recovery for years before that, I must have tried every addiction counsellor in South Dublin, that is not an exaggeration. I went to meetings, tried to go to mass, confess my sins, joined social clubs, went on retreats, changed phone number every week, joined a gym, sun beds, joined a charity, went back to college.

You name it, if the results were to be positive, chances are I signed up. But I would always , always pick up. Just a few cans, or a drink after work, or beer garden on a sunny day, and I would be off again. It was a very puzzling experience. I do not consider myself too dim, but I was certainly not in the driving seat when it came to addiction. It is extremely cunning.

At one stage I signed myself into pyschaitric ward, they quickly signed me back out.

I often remember ringing a counsellor who was a help to me, he went on to explain that he was now specialising in Trauma and Bereavement. My answer was, well this is very traumatic, I cannot get a day clean.. So you could say that they were relapses. The longest I ever got was 11 days clean.

With regards to triggers. I don't really relate to that, I used to try and figure it out but , on any given day anything could be a trigger. I woke up late, or I woke up too early, he never said hello to me, there is a war in iraq, my car got clamped... anything at all could trigger me... until I realised that there are no more excuses..

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

steddyeddy wrote: »

Two questions OP.

Are you happy now and what was your moment of clarity? Thanks for a great thread and very well done for recovering.

I am very happy now and have been for years thanks. The first year of recovery can be rocky. People get there senses back and go looking to fill that void with things that may have been out of their reach for so long, like women / men etc.. that can cause lots of difficulties I have noticed. Keeping it simple can be a huge help..

But for myself I am very happy, of course life happens, and you can be dealt a bad hand so to speak and you don't feel very grateful, but it passes.

My momemt of clarity was the last time I used, I just knew deep inside that I could not go on. There was no one threatening me, no real consequences, but I knew in my heart I was done, and everything I had heard whilst trying to get clean began to make sense.. a surreal moment.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Lisha wrote: »

Op, I've found your posts to be thought provoking, informative and humbling. It just scares me how someone can initially start taking drugs socially and then can be hooked on seriously scary drugs.

I see my brothers peers and they dabble and it scares me.

Could anything have been said to you that would've made you alter your choices sooner? Or does rock bottom have to be hit for 'going clean' to work on a long term basis.

Also based on your experience, am I right to lock my children up until they are about 30??

Myself, I understand what you mean about trying to fill something internally that can't be filled. It scares me and I fear that I won't equip my children against this.

ThNks so much for this ama op.

Thank You.


You see, not everyone is an addict, I know people who can dabble and their lives do not become unmanageable.
They can buy Class A drugs, do some, and then keep the rest for a stag next week. That was never possible for me. I would sit there looking at them wondering how you can do that. I knew that from early on actually, but was always afraid to mention it. God what would people think!

With regards locking up your kids, I suppose everyone is on their own journey, we can't control it, we produce the kids and try our best, and after that, not much we can do !

But there are certain people like myself who are just allergic to these chemicals, and on the outisde it all looks rosy, but it's not.

I had all the information everyone else had, maybe more because I was inqusitive and it never stopped me. So I cannot blame that avenue. I am the way I am, and it just took a long time for me to figure that out. All the best, and if things do get bad for your kids, there is always a way out ! (Of course I hope they don't)

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

MrMac84 wrote: »

I think an extension would be warrent here

Thanks for your kind words, but you have to remember I am an addict, and will be demanding a tv show next.! Therefore, boundries are very important

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA wrote: »

Thanks for your kind words, but you have to remember I am an addict, and will be demanding a tv show next.! Therefore, boundries are very important

You have been more than decent with your time and honesty. Really enjoyed the thread.

iLikeWaffles

I can not begin to comprehend what recovering form an addiction is like and I count myself extremely lucky not to have to from what I have read in this thread. The majority of the questions asked here are great and likewise for the answers. I would just like to say thank you for the thread as it is completely honest and informative. From the bottom of my heart keep up the good work.

Saoirse1981

tmabr wrote: »

I often wonder what I would do if one of my kids came in with track marks on his arm. I think I would lock him in a room cold turkey 24/7 and sit outside for as long as it took. Painkillers food n water.

Do you think this would work

I have followed this thread with great interest. It's been fascinating to me. I commend the OP for doing this. His experience has been so totally different from all I know. I was never a heroin user, I hate the bloody stuff, it totally ruined my life....not because of me, but someone I used to love (amongst many others I know including a few dead now)

The OP poster says money was no problem and he came from the Corporate world....His story would be very different coming from a working class background where money is not available, so you steal, rip chains off the neck of your own and rob all around you.

The fact he was 'functioning'.....My person 'functioned...until he didnt..... He thought he was but others knew something, and I saw him crying with weakness trying to do a chore he was once well able to do.

I done the 'locking him in a room. cold turkey' thing. Shoes next door with a neighbour......but he just jumped out of a two storey window in his desperation. Maybe an AMA of its own!

Totally broke me and broke my heart. I know many addicts and very few like the OP ever get totally clean ( some I know stopped heroin but drink like demons or smoke). Many just replace one drug with another.

Still, some DO get totally clean ( more not than often in my experience but when they do...its great and gives a bit of hope.

This has been by far the best AMA on here.

I am fascinated by the similarities and differences in his experience and mine.

Thankyou OP.

con___manx1

Neon_Lights wrote: »

It may sound obvious or a bit blunt, but I've always struggled to fathom why a person would start in the first place?

I'd imagine alot of people get addicted to drugs by using it as an escape from reality and dealing with there problems. Life can be really really tough for some people and it's so easy for others who are better off to judge.

AntonK

Thanks OP, I found this thread fascinating and really appreciate your honesty. Thanks for sharing your story here.
I've never actually posted anything on boards.ie (despite being a member for a few years) but really wanted to say hats off to you, I think you’re amazing.

I knew a number of drug addicts a number of years ago, all of them have since passed away. I saw each of them struggling with the methadone clinics, the rehab centres and prison. It was heart breaking to watch people you cared about killing themselves. I am so glad that you got clean and have your life sorted.

I wish you all the very best for the future. You're an inspiration.

TrueDub

Huge thanks to you for your honesty in this thread, and fair play for sticking with your recovery.

I was reading this article in The Guardian over the weekend and much of the approach directly matches your experience - I found it very interesting.

tmabr

Thanks again OP, you more than answered my 2 questions. I understand more about the addiction now and your point that mental health is as important as physical. I am a year off the smokes cold turkey and can relate to your struggle although very different. I accept i will always be an addict to cigarettes and need to keep strong in mind and never let the guard down.

I also agree that i wouldnt change a thing if i could go back, the hash in my teens, the extacy in the 90s and the coke in the naughties. fun at the time but you only remember the good bits not the come down

Stay strong and thanks

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Saoirse1981 wrote: »

I have followed this thread with great interest. It's been fascinating to me. I commend the OP for doing this. His experience has been so totally different from all I know. I was never a heroin user, I hate the bloody stuff, it totally ruined my life....not because of me, but someone I used to love (amongst many others I know including a few dead now)

The OP poster says money was no problem and he came from the Corporate world....His story would be very different coming from a working class background where money is not available, so you steal, rip chains off the neck of your own and rob all around you.

The fact he was 'functioning'.....My person 'functioned...until he didnt..... He thought he was but others knew something, and I saw him crying with weakness trying to do a chore he was once well able to do.

I done the 'locking him in a room. cold turkey' thing. Shoes next door with a neighbour......but he just jumped out of a two storey window in his desperation. Maybe an AMA of its own!

Totally broke me and broke my heart. I know many addicts and very few like the OP ever get totally clean ( some I know stopped heroin but drink like demons or smoke). Many just replace one drug with another.

Still, some DO get totally clean ( more not than often in my experience but when they do...its great and gives a bit of hope.

This has been by far the best AMA on here.

I am fascinated by the similarities and differences in his experience and mine.

Thankyou OP.

Thank you for the memories, I too have escaped such "tough love" prisons, for just "one more" I caused alot of pain to people close to me at the time.

Best of luck to yourself.

6541

A question, did you find it difficult to source good Heroin ?

Did you use street dealers or did you get a good source that allowed good uninterrupted supply ?

Did you have any hassle with the coppers ?

Did you sell onto any of your friends ?

Sorry if you have answered any of these already and congrats on beating the addiction.

beans

Thanks for a really interesting thread

What are your thoughts on ibogaine treatment? Have you ever come across anyone who has tried it? It sounds like a magic bullet and as such I'm curious/sceptical.