Now Ye're Talking - to a recovered drug user

CruelCoin

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA wrote: »

But I was broken inside, finances were not an issue. It was similar to some sort of spiritual and emotional breakdown, the drugs were not working, and all the money in the world would not fix that.

What was it providing for you?

Escapism?
Masochism along the lines of "i'm a ****head who doesn't deserve to be happy" etc?

If you were broken inside, then what was it that drew you to a painfull activity like this?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

CruelCoin wrote: »

What was it providing for you?

Escapism?
Masochism along the lines of "i'm a ****head who doesn't deserve to be happy" etc?

If you were broken inside, then what was it that drew you to a painfull activity like this?

Yes initially escapism. I didn't have to feel once I had a substance inside of me.

At the end I was broken inside and the drugs stopped working. I can remember the last period of using, heroin used to make me angry, gone were the moments of bliss. Everytime I stuck the substance into me, I got full of rage. Inside rage, my whole insides were squealing.

But if I did not put it in my body I would have horrible flu like withdrawals which could only be quelled by this rage like feeling. There is no fun in that let me tell you.

CruelCoin

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA wrote: »

At the end I was broken inside and the drugs stopped working. I can remember the last period of using, heroin used to make me angry, gone were the moments of bliss. Everytime I stuck the substance into me, I got full of rage. Inside rage, my whole insides were squealing.

How has your personality changed since you stopped using?

What's your favourite colour?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

CruelCoin wrote: »

How has your personality changed since you stopped using?

I suppose that is a difficult question. I would love to say I am care free and happy all the time.

Deep down I am still the same person who tried to kill themsevles on a daily basis. Yes the drugs are gone, but what is left? That all depends on me.

I have done lots of work, lots of therapy, lots of meditation, lots of recovery work to try and change my thought process.

And I still need to, most days are great. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Somedays I pray I dont meet anyone I know in the shop etc. Full of insecuruities and dare I say it pinges of self hate.


But I always know what I need to do to turn it around. It is important that I try and stay close to my emotions. If they get out of hand, the results could lead me back to unimaginable circumstances.

But in saying all that, I have lots of fun, and enjoy life.

Paudee

I was wondering about engaging with the more mundane parts of life while using.

You mentioned wearing business attire in your job. I can imagine going shopping for a suit while on heroin is quite the experience.

I went for a haircut while hungover one Saturday morning and it was one of the most horrific experiences I can remember!

Did you do all the 'normal' everyday tasks while on?

Weekly shopping, haircuts, clothes shopping, wandering around kitchenware aisles etc.?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Paudee wrote: »

I was wondering about engaging with the more mundane parts of life while using.

You mentioned wearing business attire in your job. I can imagine going shopping for a suit while on heroin is quite the experience.

I went for a haircut while hungover one Saturday morning and it was one of the most horrific experiences I can remember!

Did you do all the 'normal' everyday tasks while on?

Weekly shopping, haircuts, clothes shopping, wandering around kitchenware aisles etc.?

Yes I did all the mundane things while under the influence. Shopping, hair cuts, visiting relatives. I guess you could say it was my oxygen.

It was quite self amusing to be honest , if only they knew etc. My main mission was to never get caught.

I can remember a cafe I used to visit, I got on quite well with the owner, an arab guy, friendly rapport. But my main reason was I liked his bathroom as it had a sink in the cubicle. I was always on the look out for places like this.

Anyway one day I had the usual discussion about free range eggs in the omelette or the like, and then went to use the facilities.

I came back up, and he abruptly said I can never use the bathroom here again. That was such a moment. All my fears had come true. Someone in my day to day life was on to me.

I never went there again, never saw him again. But I always respected his fortrightness

Bulmers

how did you handle holidays abroad ? would you carry with you or source over there?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Bulmers wrote: »

how did you handle holidays abroad ? would you carry with you or source over there?

Always carry. Never took enough. Some tjmes I went abroad to try and get clean, never worked. I always wanted to be in my own mile high club, which was to inject cocaine in the air. I suceeded, my priorites were often skewed. Once I went to Amsterdam seeking a change of pace you can imagine how that ended.

I found in foreign countries language was never an issue , it seems drugs has its own worldwide language.

Sinister Kid

What is the worst situation you got yourself into?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Sinister Kid wrote: »

What is the worst situation you got yourself into?

The list in endless. I think I have mentioned some before.

I can remember one Sunday morning I excused myself from household duties while I headed to the usual spot.

No one there, except other desperate people. Someone suggested we try another part of Dublin. I was eager to get on with my day so went along with it.

Four of us got into my car and drove to this place. Found a dealer and we all proceeded to drive back to where we came from. Dealer and all.

I remember having some sort of rude awakening on that journey. The guy in the front seat had his pants down and was injecting himself inthe groin. The guy in the back seat was trying to pickpocket me as I drove, and the other guy in the back was discussing doing a jumpover in my car.

Nothing happened and we all went our seperate ways, with our drugs. But it was a real awakening for me, how is this happening on a Sunday morning. Anyway I carried on.

dartboardio

Best of luck to you too. Yeah I suppose my story does sound fairly similar as you said carbon copy, but I was only on the verge of something like this.. You're story is absolutely unbelievable and inspiring that you're here to tell the tale. It would be great if you ever wrote a book. All the little stories like being in the car on a Sunday morning, are the most interesting ones

dartboardio

How long are you clean?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

dartboardio wrote: »

How long are you clean?

Close to a decade.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

dartboardio wrote: »

Best of luck to you too. Yeah I suppose my story does sound fairly similar as you said carbon copy, but I was only on the verge of something like this.. You're story is absolutely unbelievable and inspiring that you're here to tell the tale. It would be great if you ever wrote a book. All the little stories like being in the car on a Sunday morning, are the most interesting ones

Thank you. Yes the feedback has been great, and I guess I do not want to dramatise it. Maybe a book some day, under an anonynous guise.

Do you think addiction runs in families?
Looking at your own do you see it in other family members?

There are addicts, alcohol, gambling & drugs in my family & I know myself I could easily go that way. Luckily I recognised it when I was early 20s, and stopped myself from doing certain drugs etc because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control myself. I know I definitely wouldn't be where I am now if I allowed myself free reign.

Far play to you for getting clean. I do know one addict who got clean, he was a criminal I dealt with through work. He was very bad for years & years & all of a sudden, he sorted himself out. He has a career now, and is a different guy. I'm delighted for him but feel sad that he is the only addict I met at work that got their life back.
So congrats, and smile everyday.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

bubblypop wrote: »

Do you think addiction runs in families?
Looking at your own do you see it in other family members?

There are addicts, alcohol, gambling & drugs in my family & I know myself I could easily go that way. Luckily I recognised it when I was early 20s, and stopped myself from doing certain drugs etc because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control myself. I know I definitely wouldn't be where I am now if I allowed myself free reign.

Far play to you for getting clean. I do know one addict who got clean, he was a criminal I dealt with through work. He was very bad for years & years & all of a sudden, he sorted himself out. He has a career now, and is a different guy. I'm delighted for him but feel sad that he is the only addict I met at work that got their life back.
So congrats, and smile everyday.

Thank you. I will get back to you on this later. Great question


Hi There,

I do think it is in the genes, maybe it can skip a generation or two. I also think it is un-natural the amount of alcohol Irish people drink and the manner in which they consume it, I include myself in that statement, ah you can say it is all for the craic, and these loveable rouges are just enjoying themselves, but from where I am sitting it looks like addiction to me only legal. The chaos this causes families from upstanding members of society is staggering, ah sure he is a principal in the local school, or he is a garda / judge / president of the golf club etc.

I am glad to not be contributing to it anymore.

On that note could it be in your genes if you happen to be Irish and this is what society is offering you ? I would say that is for another day ! I do know of people who have refused to drink after seeing what went on in their homes growing up. I admire your gut instincts to stay away from certain drugs. I know a friend of mine just smokes weed, wont drink or take class a's as he is a weed addict, so he knows he would be opening the doors to other substance abuse if he did indulge.

You mentioned gambling which as an addiction which is quite baffling, and can lie undetected, again, I was aware of mine, it really makes me shudder.

Again these are my thoughts, and I could be wrong, and I do not mean to offend anyone.

All the best.

Gloomtastic!

I've heard that it is far harder for women to get clean. Is this your experience?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

I've heard that it is far harder for women to get clean. Is this your experience?

Cannot say I have heard that before. I know lots of Women who have got clean who are wonderful people and live wonderful lives.

Granted I know far more men, maybe there is something there. ?

jopax

Hi op

I hope this is not too personal I just have two questions. Did you ever feel suicidal during your addictions.?
Also, I was wondering if you believe in a higher power & if so did it help you get through the bad days.
Thanks in advance for any reply.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

jopax wrote: »

Hi op

I hope this is not too personal I just have two questions. Did you ever feel suicidal during your addictions.?
Also, I was wondering if you believe in a higher power & if so did it help you get through the bad days.
Thanks in advance for any reply.

No problem, yes I often felt suicidal but could not carry it out.

I sort of planned how I could carry it out, by making it look like an accident. Like leave the dishwasher door open with a big knife sticking out and accidentally trip. I wanted to die at times but did not want to be held responsible if that makes sense. Anyway I am still here.

Do I believe in a higher power ? I do now. But I didn't when I was using.

I always struggled with organised religion, still do, and that is what I thought a higher power was. I have my own beliefs now and that suits me fine. No offence meant to anyone.

Bulmers

Do you need to do anything to prepare for an unforeseen / shock / trigger issue that might test you?

Even after 10 years, is it still one day at a time and something you need to address every day with yourself - in some way?

Freddiestar

Good thread OP, the only one I've ever followed.

I don't live in Dublin anymore but always dread the sight of addicts when I get off the train at Heuston and all over the quays.
Are these 'zombie' types typical of Heroin users or do you think they're the bad apples of the users?

If you were still using is it possible you could have ended up zombie like and on the streets? Or where you a more moderate user who could lead a normal life, more or less.
Kind of like someone who can have a few pints and leave it versus a pisshead but with Heroin instead of beer.
Good luck!

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Freddiestar wrote: »

Good thread OP, the only one I've ever followed.

I don't live in Dublin anymore but always dread the sight of addicts when I get off the train at Heuston and all over the quays.
Are these 'zombie' types typical of Heroin users or do you think they're the bad apples of the users?

If you were still using is it possible you could have ended up zombie like and on the streets? Or where you a more moderate user who could lead a normal life, more or less.
Kind of like someone who can have a few pints and leave it versus a pisshead but with Heroin instead of beer.
Good luck!

Hi There,

I agree that Dublin is a sight to behold at the moment with lots of lost souls. I think tablets have a lot more to answer for than heroin when it comes to what you described. There are certain sleeping tablets that are very common for addicts to take, they are out of your system in 24hrs so will not show up in any urine test etc. This could be beneficial I suppose if you happened to be in prison or on a methadone clinic which is screening your urine.

So what you describe and what I notice as well I would say are down to the tablet epidemic which is in Dublin and other parts of the country. I knew many people who would get through the day taking sleeping tablets,
strange I know, but a reality. Sort of take the edge off life and quieten down the mind, whilst leaving you dazed I suppose.

No doubt I am sure a lot of these people use Heroin too, but I do not think the quality of Heroin in Dublin is going to leave you in such a daze. I have had people walk into me on the street as if they are sleep walking.

Could I have ended up like that ? Probably yes, and it is a good comparison I do not think it would be representative of everyone who drinks to compare them to Copper Face Jacks revellers on a Saturday night.

With regards your question was I a moderate user, I don't think so, I cannot do anything in moderation, but at the same time I led a very normal life in conjunction with this habit for many years.

All the best !

RobFowl

Have the greatest respect for your candour and honesty.
Do you still go to meeting and where would you suggest anyome in trouble should turn to for help?
Keep the head up

Vizzy

First of all well done.

Fortunately I'm fortunate that I haven't had the drugs "problem" touch my direct family (hope that this doesn't come across as judgemental, it is certainly not meant to)
I have had it touch very close family though, brother in law basically drank himself to death, literally.
One of his children got seriously caught up in the drugs culture about 10 years ago. They would take/smoke/swallow/inject anything they could get their hands on.
What literally turned their life around was when a guy who was sitting beside them at a party got shot dead right beside them over a drug debt. Frightened the sh*t out of them and they quit within a week. Went through all the demons that are involved getting clean. In fact, reading between the lines, they had a very similar profile to yourself, good family, good job, wanted for nothing.
They were "broken" though, as you describe it.
Anyway, they are 10 years clean now, on the 12 step programme.
Fully qualified as a counsellor, and highly sought after.
I must say, I am probably prouder of them than I am of many people who have lived a "conservative" life and never took any risks in life.
You should be very proud of how you fought the battle and won.
Fair play and stay strong.

Viz

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Bulmers wrote: »

Do you need to do anything to prepare for an unforeseen / shock / trigger issue that might test you?

Even after 10 years, is it still one day at a time and something you need to address every day with yourself - in some way?

Ah yea, I would still do something every day to remind myself of where I came from and that I always need to be vigilant. I do not have a battle plan any more like I used to. At this stage, I can confidentially and with faith, get on with my life knowing I will be okay. I just need to stay on top of things like resentments, letting things go, apologising if I am wrong, not letting things linger etc. Emotional stuff I suppose because ultimately that is what will lead me back to pick up a drug. I have read and witnessed that picking up a drug is the last thing someone does in a relapse, all the other things come first, getting pissed off, feeling hard done by. Now please don't get me wrong I am no saint, but I certainly try to live a good life, try being the operative word !

There are certain things I would do, like I have no problem leaving an event if I feel like it, or begin to feel uneasy, some people may think that is rude, but so what. Their life is not on the line, mine is. I also learned that I am not really that important, and half the time people don't realise you have left, they are too busy enjoying themselves, so everyone is a winner

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

RobFowl wrote: »

Have the greatest respect for your candour and honesty.
Do you still go to meeting and where would you suggest anyome in trouble should turn to for help?
Keep the head up

Thank you. To answer your question, yes I still go to meetings, and help in what ever way I can. It is vital for me that I "hold someone's hand" as they go through their early stages.

If I was to suggest where someone should turn to help, I would love to say oh talk to your GP, and I alluded to it earlier that I do not think GP's really have solution focused knowledge when it comes to addiction / recovery. I wish my experience was different but it's not. Maybe for other people it is. Maybe the medical books in Trinity need to be re-jigged. I don't know.

Again I can only speak from experience, ring your local community addiction team, there are loads. Look up whatever anonymous 12 step meetings there are, pertaining to your predicament. Make that phone call, tell someone who knows how to help.
I would say tell anyone but, is it fair to tell your poor mother who is probably stressed out of her mind as it is, that hey, I am taking handfuls of nurofen plus ? Maybe for some.

Again I am not medically qualified to give any advice, and everyone is different. I am not speaking for any fellowship, but the above is what worked for me and still does.

pasty

just to ask you (this may have been asked earlier) if your relationship/s broke down because of your situation? I was once married to an alcoholic and I stayed far too long. It has soured my experiences and possible friendships with even recovered alcoholics, and even to alcohol ever since. This person has never cleaned up their act or made restitution or taken responsibility in any way, shape or form. Its probably is true about it being a family problem? thanks

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

pasty wrote: »

just to ask you (this may have been asked earlier) if your relationship/s broke down because of your situation? I was once married to an alcoholic and I stayed far too long. It has soured my experiences and possible friendships with even recovered alcoholics, and even to alcohol ever since. This person has never cleaned up their act or made restitution or taken responsibility in any way, shape or form. Its probably is true about it being a family problem? thanks

Hi,

No I don't think it has been asked, but I am not going to comment on the past, out of respect. .

There is no doubt that what you went through is very upsetting, and I am not surprised it soured your taste as you put it. I did mention how addiction and alcohol destroys families and it is something I personally really care for.

I do know that the likes of Al-Anon do Trojan work to help people like yourself. There is no doubt that one family members actions can have a huge bearing on the family at large, but recovery for the non Alcoholic/Addict is possible.

I have met a few of members of Al Anon on my travels and they are very strong and empowered people.

Some people think, ah if he could only get sober I would be okay, or if he is fine I am fine. Where as that is not really the solution for the partner. I find it all very interesting what Al Anon do after doing a lot of reading and talking to them. Again all my opinion, and I wish you all the best !