Now Ye're Talking - to a recovered drug user

CruelCoin

Have you ever noticed any "breaking bad" types scenarios, such as sudden inexplicable changes in suppliers etc?

How did you handle the sudden disappearance of your go to guy?

Wellywoo

What did you use as your coping mechanism in the early days of getting clean? Like how do you replace something (to paraphrase what you said in previous post) that was like oxygen for you?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

CruelCoin wrote: »

Have you ever noticed any "breaking bad" types scenarios, such as sudden inexplicable changes in suppliers etc?

How did you handle the sudden disappearance of your go to guy?

Hi There,

I cannot say I ever witnessed any Breaking Bad type scenarios, some people disappeared, maybe they got clean or incarcerated, I wasn't too concerned at the time, we were not sending each other Christmas cards or anything.

I had a couple of reliable people who would drive to meet me, other times it was in blind faith I would buy off someone who I never met before, very trusting of me I suppose to cook it up and put it in my body, off someone I had never met before.

It amazes me, as I can be up in a heap buying something on Done Deal years later, wondering can I trust the vendor ? Yet I had no problem putting my life on the line back in the day. The mind boggles.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Wellywoo wrote: »

What did you use as your coping mechanism in the early days of getting clean? Like how do you replace something (to paraphrase what you said in previous post) that was like oxygen for you?

I was 100% focused on recovery and doing wholesome healthy things. Not that I knew how to do these things, but I sought out the knowledge. I took absolutely no shortcuts. I made sure I had absolutely no access to cash. If I was nervous or fearful, I rang someone and told them I was nervous or fearful, I did not give addiction a chance to fester. I opened up my life to one or two people and sought constant advice. That might sound very odd, considering I could partake in other areas of my life, but addiction had me beaten, and I needed to change everything

Sorry just to add, that became my oxygen, that was all I was concerned about, not picking up that first drink or drug, and preparing myself for any eventuality, did other people close to me suffer, because of that ? yes they did.

Things mellowed out after a year, and I wasn't so caught up, and I began exploring other areas of my life, without fear of picking up.

Penny Tration

No questions for you, OP. I just wanted to say that I think you're an incredible human being. What you've dragged yourself out of is humbling, and your modesty and down to earth attitude is great. I have a friend who managed to get clean too, and I just love hearing amazing success stories.

I hope your recovery continues smoothly and seriously, I'm in awe.

SEPT 23 1989

Any long term health effects after you got off the junk?

did your teeth take a hammering?

Noddyholder

Hi OP & well done on your new life & the path you choose to get there.

Even though I have read the thread I don't remember whether this was asked.


What is the most important way in which we could address our people regarding addiction in this country, If you were the minister for addictions :-) what would you implement asap ?

Thanks again & I wish you the best for the future.

Gardabot1

Would you have taken vitamins/weight gain at the height of your class A addictions to keep your weight up?

How was your diet at the height of your addictions?

Did you ever have to project on the outside "cool as a cucumber" but on the inside you were "bricking it".

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Any long term health effects after you got off the junk?

did your teeth take a hammering?

No long term effects thankfully. I caught hepatitis C but managed to clear it. I still get
checked every now and then, I can never donate blood.

My teeth came away just fine which I am grateful for. I think if you smoke heroin it can be very bad for your teeth, and I know the old brown methadone rotted teeth over night. The new green stuff not as much but still damaging.

lukesmom

I want to thank you.
You have helped me without even knowing. I felt so much guilt for not being able to convince my little bro how he was dicing with death. If only i could have gotten through to him. But maybe it was the sense of inner denial that you mention. I realise now i tried my very best. Im so glad you are here to tell the tale. He was very much of the 'it wont happen to me' brigade. Ive tried it all myself. I guess addiction can be genetic. Some of us are luckier than others and dont get hooked. I hope you have a brilliant life and you deserve it because you fought through one of the hardest things a human ever could and that's chronic addiction.

Thank you

Dr Crayfish

I work with someone who has a heroin problem. He's quite open about it to me and I've let him use in my house a couple of times. I knew he was a heroin addict before I ever spoke to him, you can just see it in their face and eyes. Has your face changed because of the gear? I worry about my colleague, he's a really nice guy, but he's been on the stuff since he's 17. He's in hospital now with a blood clot and may have to have some of his leg amputated, hopefully not.
I don't really know how or if I can help him. Is there anything someone could have done for you to help you, or even any advice that would have helped?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Noddyholder wrote: »

Hi OP & well done on your new life & the path you choose to get there.

Even though I have read the thread I don't remember whether this was asked.


What is the most important way in which we could address our people regarding addiction in this country, If you were the minister for addictions :-) what would you implement asap ?

Thanks again & I wish you the best for the future.

Thank You. I will get back to you later

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Gardabot1 wrote: »

Would you have taken vitamins/weight gain at the height of your class A addictions to keep your weight up?

How was your diet at the height of your addictions?

Did you ever have to project on the outside "cool as a cucumber" but on the inside you were "bricking it".

Hi Gardabot,

I smiled a bit at your post. I lived on dioralite and pharmaton. Never used weight gain . At the height of my addiction I survived on innocent smoothies only.

Every single day I had to protect the outside, as I was not only bricking it, but dying on the inside.

It was horrible, always looking at peoples reactions, do they know etc...

I have heard it being described as a duck in a pond, they look beautiful and graceful, but they are paddling like **** under the water.

hufpc8w3adnk65

Hi OP have folllwed the thread from the start,well done . In your opinion is Heroin addiction a mostly male dominated addiction or is there as many females addicted? What kind of % would you say the break down is if it's not 50/50?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

MrMac84 wrote: »

Hi OP have folllwed the thread from the start,well done . In your opinion is Heroin addiction a mostly male dominated addiction or is there as many females addicted? What kind of % would you say the break down is if it's not 50/50?

Hi There.

No I do not think it is "Dominated" by men. In my experience maybe 60% men.

Alpha_zero

[Admin note - please do not reply or challenge this post, poster has been asked not to post here again, instead kindly direct your questions to the OP.]

All this sympathy and understanding for drug users is a disgrace. This guy made a choice to become a junkie, and his actions had negative consequences funding crime and violence. What's with all these comments congratulating this guy for getting clean, when he chose to become a junkie. All the problems associated with drugs will persist cause of drug wasters like this guy was.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Alpha_zero wrote: »

All this sympathy and understanding for drug users is a disgrace. This guy made a choice to become a junkie, and his actions had negative consequences funding crime and violence. What's with all these comments congratulating this guy for getting clean, when he chose to become a junkie. All the problems associated with drugs will persist cause of drug wasters like this guy was.

Thanks for your input, but I won't be biting

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I work with someone who has a heroin problem. He's quite open about it to me and I've let him use in my house a couple of times. I knew he was a heroin addict before I ever spoke to him, you can just see it in their face and eyes. Has your face changed because of the gear? I worry about my colleague, he's a really nice guy, but he's been on the stuff since he's 17. He's in hospital now with a blood clot and may have to have some of his leg amputated, hopefully not.
I don't really know how or if I can help him. Is there anything someone could have done for you to help you, or even any advice that would have helped?

Hi There,

I have looked at some old photos pre heroin and there was more "fat" on my face. Is it obvious , I would say no.

With regards your friend, amputation is common with people who use their groin fir transmission, I have seen it before hopefully your friend gets better.

I do not think I could have been helped, it really fell on deaf ears, even with all the best intentions. It is important that I knew who to talk to though. I suggest getting in touch with a local community addiction team, or Narcotics Anonymous.

I wish you and your friend all the best.

Taltos

Admin Note
Alpha_Zero - do NOT post on this thread again.

I've removed some posts that directly question AZ, as they've been asked not to post here again it's unfair to challenge them on their opinion.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

SNIPPED wrote: »

Admin snip - deleted post, poster instructed not to post here again

Hi There,

I am not denying anything, and I have met people who have similar attitudes to yourself. I am sorry I just find it amusing.

Elvis sang about it once, "Walk a mile in my shoes". I don't expect everyone to understand addiction, in fact very few really get it, and that is okay.

I can say one thing, after working in the corporate world for a long time I have seen far more gangsters there than I have ever seen in dark city streets. But for some reason that is kind of ignored. Hopefully this changes.

I am certainly not a victim, and I hope I never feel that way. But I refuse to ever kick someone when they are down.

Yes my actions had negative consequences for people , probably still do some days, and I am a long time away from drugs. Anyway, such is life.

Old Perry

Thanks very much for this. Very informative, not just in terms of opiate addiction but addiction in general also.

Sorry if this is a bit of an impolite/morbid question, but if if you knew tomorrow/ next week was going to be your last, would you use again, why? Why not?

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Old Perry wrote: »

Thanks very much for this. Very informative, not just in terms of opiate addiction but addiction in general also.

Sorry if this is a bit of an impolite/morbid question, but if if you knew tomorrow/ next week was going to be your last, would you use again, why? Why not?

Hi,

No problem. I would chose not to use. After lots of work, I think I have gained self respect and respect for my body, and in some sort of karmic sense I don't ever wish to contribute to that way of life again, and I hope that will always be the same.

I would chose to see it out with dignity.

Thanks !

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Someone was takling about poetry earlier. I always liked this one by Clare Pollard

Thirtieth by Clare Pollard



Sandy Denny's singing who knows where the time goes?
and it isn't us, still partying on a Saturday afternoon,
slumped on a garden patio beneath a greasy sun,
after a night of pale, crooked lines;
after improvised cocktails of gin and rasberry vodka.

"She died at thirty one", someone says,
plucking
an olive from an ashy slick.
"Fell down the stairs".

And I'm aware I'm wearing grim, glittery rags; yesterdays knickers.
My back to honeysuckled brick, I flick
tongue over gums
that taste like a gun in my mouth.

A mobile flashes MUM. No one picks up.
We know how mothers fret over the ticking clocks;
our one-bed flats,
our ovaries.

Instead we fill our plastics up with cider,
and watch wasps as they circle spikes of lavender;
the big sky's cirrus scraps-
a Brimstone butterfly flaps, then settles
on a blackened bone.

My friends, we are so lucky and disgusting,
and will pay for this tomorrow.

madmaggie

Hi OP, firstly thank you for being so brave in sharing your experiences, and for your candour. I would like to ask, having read in one of your replies that you came from a very good and stable background, what was the trigger for your becoming addicted. It is possible to point to one event, or was it a gradual process? You most certainly do not fit the stereotype of drug user, being employed and very articulate. Thanks.

CruelCoin

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA wrote: »

Yes my actions had negative consequences for people , probably still do some days, and I am a long time away from drugs. Anyway, such is life.

Do you feel that there is any truth in the idea that former drug addicts are more prone to criminal behaviour?

We see lots of opinions on the benefit of counselling etc, but it all seems to be focused on combating drug use, not on what goes with it....

Would former drug users, and society at large, benefit from making people like yourself attend counselling to combat criminal mindsets/tendencies forming/recurring?

tmabr

I often wonder what I would do if one of my kids came in with track marks on his arm. I think I would lock him in a room cold turkey 24/7 and sit outside for as long as it took. Painkillers food n water.

Do you think this would work?

Could a prison type clinic work. Padded cells in the middle of nowhere so no dealers hanging around. No visitors so no smuggling of drugs. Doctors for the pain. No methadone. It could be a voluntary option instead of real prison and you stay as long as it takes

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

madmaggie wrote: »

Hi OP, firstly thank you for being so brave in sharing your experiences, and for your candour. I would like to ask, having read in one of your replies that you came from a very good and stable background, what was the trigger for your becoming addicted. It is possible to point to one event, or was it a gradual process? You most certainly do not fit the stereotype of drug user, being employed and very articulate. Thanks.

Thank you. I cannot pin point it to any one thing. I do remember as a young boy filling myself up with sweets, I could not stop. This was my secret. It was as if I had some sort of hole inside me that needed to be filled. Years later I realise it was an impossible task to fill that hole.

I kept trying though, and would always get temporary relief. Yes I came from a stable background, I was quite sensitive, at times felt insecure, I cannot tell you why, just my make up. Drugs did for me what I could not do for myself.

The internal rambmlings of my teenage self were just too much, and I kept self medicating, again this is no one elses fault , I was always trying to make myself feel better.

I mentioned earlier about the drinking culture, I had arrived. I fitted right in, problem was,I never wanted party to stop, at the same time I never wanted people to know that I didn't want the party to stop.


So it really is a minefield. A gradual process. A very tricky and dangerous one to manoeuvre around. It kicked the **** out of me in the end. I understand how hard it is for someone to turn to their friends and say "I am beaten, I throw the towel in".

You just don't talk about it, and the internal rage is like a steam cooker, ready to blow.

You have the job, the house, the car, the opportunities, the holidays. Maybe I am gay, you tell yourself, you find out you are not gay. Dying on the inside and afraid to tell anyone... There has to be something wrong, maybe I need some sort of operation, take something out or put something in. You carry on, the lies and the deceit, until you realise it would be easier to die.

You throw the towel in ten times a day, but the pain is to much so you jump back into the ring. Might be different this time.

You get knocked around again, fck this , put the cards on the table and go into treatment get the professionals ro fix you, they are on good money right? Massage this pain out of me, put some spell on me, someone just fix me...

Like a little boy you try and let these professionals in, you try your very best, your family visit you, dazed and confused.

But these professionals and this cotton wool of a treatment centre are not there when you get out. It is just you and your head. It convinces you to have one more, you do, and the insatiable craving has started again.. Again you cannot stop, anyone close to you are saying "but, but...."

You have no answers, anyone in the world would say you shouldn't have had that first one, heroin is bad. You are lost for words, the self hatred and the internal rage is strong.

These drugs aren't working, you go back to the professionals who look as confused as you do. Get a hobby they say, in the meantime they come to a conclusion "This guy is on drugs, let's give him more drugs"

You really begin to think you are on your own, you isolate to die, but you keep waking up.

Then when no one is looking, you fold the four corners of the towel and you throw it into the ring, and admit total, complete and utter defeat....

Then the work starts because all those feelings of a twelve year old are back and you have nothing of substance to relieve them. But you hold on, with good people on your side who say , I know exactly how you feel, I was there to, this is what I did..

Your family is great, but they just don't get it, and never will... So you learn to not take offence, or listen to anyone who suggests it is okay to do coke at the weekends, or drink when Liverpool are playing. So what if they win the champions league, there are no more excuses.

You are still filling that hole, this time with wholesome stuff, meditation, friendship, honesty, self belief, hope, it doesn't feel as empty anymore, one day you say to yourself, it is okay to be me... Eureka !


#ramblings

Loveinapril

Thank you for your honesty and bravery in this thread. I am reading this thread with tears in my eyes. Your strength is incredible. I appreciate that you work at it every day but your willpower and committment to both your future and that of your family is just so so inspiring.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

CruelCoin wrote: »

Do you feel that there is any truth in the idea that former drug addicts are more prone to criminal behaviour?

We see lots of opinions on the benefit of counselling etc, but it all seems to be focused on combating drug use, not on what goes with it....

Would former drug users, and society at large, benefit from making people like yourself attend counselling to combat criminal mindsets/tendencies forming/recurring?

Hi There,

I don't think former drug addicts are more prone to criminal behaviour. I don't think you can make someone go to counselling so as society benefits, in fact I would be very against, making anyone do anything.

"Drug use" with addicts is one trait, there is a far more complex emotional and mental and dare I say it spiritual things at play, and if you attend a counsellor worth their salt they will be aware of this. Unfortunately some are more concerned about what "substance" you took, which is complelety pointless in my opinion.

I sort of had my tongue in my cheek when I said, my behaviour still has a negative impact on others. I guess I was referring to random acts of road rage or upset at various day to day life things. I am certainly not up to any criminal behaviour.

Yes you are right, and I mentioned it earlier that I do have a self entitlement trait, and I suppose a lot of addicts do, but with the right therapy , and program it can be overcome.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

tmabr wrote: »

I often wonder what I would do if one of my kids came in with track marks on his arm. I think I would lock him in a room cold turkey 24/7 and sit outside for as long as it took. Painkillers food n water.

Do you think this would work?

Could a prison type clinic work. Padded cells in the middle of nowhere so no dealers hanging around. No visitors so no smuggling of drugs. Doctors for the pain. No methadone. It could be a voluntary option instead of real prison and you stay as long as it takes

Hi There,


Okay, I think addiction is three fold, mental, physical and spiritual. The vast majority of people think, ah just take care of the physical and he will be grand.

I include myself in that, I always thought if I could only stay away from certain parts of Dublin I would be fine. My family have taken me up the mountains, down the country, and yes that always took care of the physical side. Wasn't very pleasant I must say. I went through the withdrawls, but there were still another two attributes that were just as important.

So yes locking up someone in a room might be okay to start. I did it in hospital a few times, like "get me off the streets"


Once the physical side is sorted, that I think is the easy part, mind you it is not easy when you are going through it. Then there is the mental side, which in itself is a minefield, I personally think if you take care of the spiritual side the mental side will follow.

What do I mean by spiritual ? I am not religious at all, I am talking about mixing with (the right) people, healthy conversations, laughter, building yourself up. I am reading a good book at the moment called "The Village Effect" and the author is far more better at trying to explain it than me.

I have young kids myself and that thought that you had often crosses my mind, and you have to be careful, because addicts and I include myself in this, can be very manipulative.

Anyway, I understand your suggestion, I have heard it loads of times, and done it several, and it has never worked for me in the long term.

Sorry just to get back to you, that "stay as long as it takes" , it makes perfect sense, there are no drugs, no visitors, just you. I might be clean, but I could see myself committing suicide very soon after, it would be too hard to live inside my head in those surroundings. I know that might be hard to imagine..