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Confused About my fiancé watching gay porn

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    #32
    Hunchback
    Registered Users Posts: 1,629 ✭✭✭Hunchback


    ixoy wrote: »
    Eh no he doesn't. Joey thinks that some men, who identify as straight, on occasion like to watch gay porn as an alternative to only watching straight porn. That's very different to what you're trying to say.

    Both different and hard to believe. Straight men who sleep with men 'identify' as 'straight', but it stretches the meaning of the phrase 'straight' to breaking point IMO.


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    #33
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    ixoy wrote: »
    Eh no he doesn't. Joey thinks that some men, who identify as straight, on occasion like to watch gay porn as an alternative to only watching straight porn. That's very different to what you're trying to say.

    How can straight men "like" to watch another man ride another man. Another ridiculous mod has entered the conversation. Let me reverse what you said, gay men, on occasion like to watch lesbian porn as an alternative to watching gay porn. See how thick that sounds

    And yes joey does think that, "There are lots of straight men who sometimes fantasise about other men or have sex with other men." I propose you throughly read what he said before attempting to tell what I was trying to say, should be a given when you're a mod.

    So there you go joey thinks lots of straight men fantasise about men sexually, watch gay porn and have sex with men and they're still straight. K


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    #34
    Hunchback
    Registered Users Posts: 1,629 ✭✭✭Hunchback


    ixoy wrote: »
    Eh no he doesn't. Joey thinks that some men, who identify as straight, on occasion like to watch gay porn as an alternative to only watching straight porn. That's very different to what you're trying to say.

    To clarify, I feel the same way about 'straight' men who watch gay porn. It stretches the meaning of the phrase 'straight' to breaking point, if the individual watches gay porn over an extended period.

    I also think Summertime made a very salient point re lesbian porn. I identify as exclusively homosexual and never EVER once have I watched lesbian porn or porn of any nature for the purposes of observing women in sexual situations. Why? Because I am not sexually attracted to women and therefore am not even curious.


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    #35
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    Thank you CK for clarifying my point. You don't watch lesbian porn because for you as a gay man it's pointless. Just like gay porn is pointless for a straight man. If a man enjoys gay porn he isn't entirely straight, he may well be bi but he isn't completely straight no matter how much he "identifies" he is(in denial).


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    #36
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,000 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    In conclusion Joey thinks A) Straight men fantasise about having sex with men. B) Watch gay porn instead of straight porn. C) Have sex with men. D) They're still straight. K

    No.

    I am pointing out that

    A) Gay, Straight and Bi are a trinary of sexual orientation but not everyone identifies as gay, straight or bi
    B) People can place themselves into one of the trinary but they may possibly display characteristics associated with one of the others
    C) Not everyone fits neatly into one of the trinary labels
    D) Because I realise that there is a fluidity associated with the labels I never force them onto other people and I actually think it's really rude to do so. E.g. I would never prescibe the OPs other half as "definitely gay" or "definitely bi" - who am I to appoint myself as an expert on someone else. I also believe if he identifies as straight then he is straight. Many lesbians watch straight porn, many gay men watch straight porn etc etc.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #37
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    How many gay men watch lesbian porn to get off to it? You keep ignoring that as you can't answer. "I also believe if he identifies as straight then he is straight." Yeah because **** to two men sleeping together is really straight. Coming from someone who said ""There are lots of straight men who sometimes fantasise about other men or have sex with other men."it isn't surprising. You must have a fantasy about getting with a "straight" man and this is where it stems from. Do you fantasise about women and sleep with them?


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    #38
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    No.

    I am pointing out that

    A) Gay, Straight and Bi are a trinary of sexual orientation but not everyone identifies as gay, straight or bi
    B) People can place themselves into one of the trinary but they may possibly display characteristics associated with one of the others
    C) Not everyone fits neatly into one of the trinary labels
    D) Because I realise that there is a fluidity associated with the labels I never force them onto other people and I actually think it's really rude to do so. E.g. I would never prescibe the OPs other half as "definitely gay" or "definitely bi" - who am I to appoint myself as an expert on someone else. I also believe if he identifies as straight then he is straight. Many lesbians watch straight porn, many gay men watch straight porn etc etc.

    Joey, I'm afraid I disagree entirely. This whole notion of a fluid 'spectrum' is a myth. Nobody is forcing a label on anyone else here.
    The point is that a straight man will not get anything from watching gay porn. In fact, it will be difficult for him to watch.
    If a man is regularly watching gay porn over an extended time frame, he is gay or bi-sexual. He ain't straight. No, nay, never.
    That's not to 'label' him - that's just the facts. And very important for his fiance to know.


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    #39
    rochey84
    Registered Users Posts: 318 ✭✭rochey84


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    How many gay men watch lesbian porn to get off to it? You keep ignoring that as you can't answer. "I also believe if he identifies as straight then he is straight." Yeah because **** to two men sleeping together is really straight. Coming from someone who said ""There are lots of straight men who sometimes fantasise about other men or have sex with other men."it isn't surprising. You must have a fantasy about getting with a "straight" man and this is where it stems from. Do you fantasise about women and sleep with them?

    I think you're missing the point that Joey is making, he is saying that we have to respect people's own self identification, I have had encounters with plenty of lads that would identify as straight, in my mind I don't think they are straight but until they are willing to admit that to themselves then there is zero point in me prescribing it to them.

    Personally, I agree with you that the OP's fiance does have, at best, bisexual tendancies but if he is closeted enough to ask a woman to marry him then that woman confronting him telling him he must be bi/gay will only push him further into the closet leading him to further identify as straight.

    This is the reason that the Blood transfusion service puts a ban on MSM (Men who have had sex with men) instead of "Gay or Bi" men. Because you will have plenty of lads who will identify as straight despite looking for a bloke a couple of times a year donating blood against the rules.

    That's my 2cents and I hope I've helped clear things up!


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    #40
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    Just popping my head up above the parapet and stating I'm a lesbian with zero desire to sleep with a man ever, that enjoys gay male porn.

    It's very much possible. And a pretty common thing. So why wouldn't the reverse work too?

    In any case, maybe the guy is bisexual but committed to his fiance. Just because he may be attracted to men aswell as women doesn't mean he's on Grindr looking to get his end away with a random dude. People fantasise even when in relationships, it's weird if you don't.


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    #41
    TheChizler
    Registered Users Posts: 9,439 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    LorMal wrote: »
    If a man is regularly watching gay porn over an extended time frame, he is gay or bi-sexual. He ain't straight. No, nay, never.
    That's not to 'label' him - that's just the facts. And very important for his fiance to know.
    That's the dictionary definition of labeling...

    And why is it important for the fiance to know? That's a very definitive statement, you should be able to outline the reasons behind it. Is it any more important for her to know than that he might like straight porn?


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    #42
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    rochey84 wrote: »
    I think you're missing the point that Joey is making, he is saying that we have to respect people's own self identification, I have had encounters with plenty of lads that would identify as straight, in my mind I don't think they are straight but until they are willing to admit that to themselves then there is zero point in me prescribing it to them.

    Personally, I agree with you that the OP's fiance does have, at best, bisexual tendancies but if he is closeted enough to ask a woman to marry him then that woman confronting him telling him he must be bi/gay will only push him further into the closet leading him to further identify as straight.

    This is the reason that the Blood transfusion service puts a ban on MSM (Men who have had sex with men) instead of "Gay or Bi" men. Because you will have plenty of lads who will identify as straight despite looking for a bloke a couple of times a year donating blood against the rules.

    That's my 2cents and I hope I've helped clear things up!

    Surely then the correct response to this girl is to say the guy is most likely gay. Surely we should 'respect her right' to marry someone in good faith more than t 'respect the right' of th man to lie about his sexuality when entering into a marriage??


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    #43
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    TheChizler wrote: »
    That's the dictionary definition of labeling...

    And why is it important for the fiance to know? That's a very definitive statement, you should be able to outline the reasons behind it. Is it any more important for her to know than that he might like straight porn?

    Christ almighty! Why is it important for the fiancé to know?????


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    #44
    TheChizler
    Registered Users Posts: 9,439 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    LorMal wrote: »
    Surely then the correct response to this girl is to say the guy is most likely gay. Surely we should 'respect her right' to marry someone in good faith more than t 'respect the right' of th man to lie about his sexuality when entering into a marriage??
    If he's attracted and dedicated to her and isn't cheating what's the problem?


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    #45
    TheChizler
    Registered Users Posts: 9,439 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    LorMal wrote: »
    Christ almighty! Why is it important for the fiancé to know?????
    Yup, that's what I asked.


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    #46
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    Given some of the recent responses here, I am beginning to question some gay people's understanding of marriage.
    Are you seriously suggesting she should not have to know about her future husbands sexuality? I am missing something here?


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    #47
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    TheChizler wrote: »
    Yup, that's what I asked.

    You are either pulling the piss or you are off your trolley.


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    #48
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    TBh the sexuality of the partner is not of big concern to a marriage as long as

    1) they have a good sexual relationship together
    2) they both respect each other and understand marriage is a commitment to each other

    My wife has sexual fantasies about women, this is as much a concern for me as her fantasies about other men. i.e. not an issue, unless she acts on them without discussing with me first. This would be the same viewpoint for her.

    This view wouldn't change if she had kept the fact secret. So I don't see how it would affect things. However, I do believe being open and honest in a relationship builds stronger bonds.

    NB I've gone anon as I'm not sure if she might want me to post this on Boards.


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    #49
    TheChizler
    Registered Users Posts: 9,439 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    LorMal wrote: »
    Given some of the recent responses here, I am beginning to question some gay people's understanding of marriage.
    Are you seriously suggesting she should not have to know about her future husbands sexuality? I am missing something here?
    LorMal wrote: »
    You are either pulling the piss or you are off your trolley.
    Didn't say anything about sexuality, and no I'm not 'pulling the piss' (never heard that phrase before). I'm genuinely wondering why you think that it's very important that a fiance knows that the other person enjoys porn of a different type to the type of relationship they're in.


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    #50
    rochey84
    Registered Users Posts: 318 ✭✭rochey84


    LorMal wrote: »
    Surely then the correct response to this girl is to say the guy is most likely gay. Surely we should 'respect her right' to marry someone in good faith more than t 'respect the right' of th man to lie about his sexuality when entering into a marriage??

    Forgive my ignorance here, but how did you reach the conclusion from what I wrote that the guy is most likely gay? Do you not think there is equal chance that he is bisexual?

    In fact if I was to go to the effort of prescribing a sexuality for him I would say he is bisexual given that he is marrying a woman and I assume sleeping with a woman on a regular basis but only watching gay porn and to the best of our knowledge not acting on it, but then this is why I wouldn't like to prescribe anyone's sexuality to them!


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    #51
    kickthecan
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭kickthecan


    The OP is happy with her conclusion to the problem. That was the point of the tread. Get over yourselves trying to convince everyone you know more about this situation. You don't.


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    #52
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    LorMal wrote: »
    Given some of the recent responses here, I am beginning to question some gay people's understanding of marriage.
    Are you seriously suggesting she should not have to know about her future husbands sexuality? I am missing something here?

    If it doesn't impact her relationship with him, then yes, I am saying that. Would you seriously say that you need to tell your partner/ wife every single woman you fancy? No, because some things are private. Would you expect to be told if your partner/ wife fantasized about having sex with another man? Or even another woman? If he is faithful to her, it makes zero difference.

    Being someone's partner doesn't give you a right to be told about everything that happens in their head. If it doesn't impact on the relationship, then it's up to the individual to decide who knows and when.


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    #53
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    If it doesn't impact her relationship with him, then yes, I am saying that. Would you seriously say that you need to tell your partner/ wife every single woman you fancy? No, because some things are private. Would you expect to be told if your partner/ wife fantasized about having sex with another man? Or even another woman? If he is faithful to her, it makes zero difference.

    Being someone's partner doesn't give you a right to be told about everything that happens in their head. If it doesn't impact on the relationship, then it's up to the individual to decide who knows and when.

    I agree with what you're saying if the partner is straight or bi but if the partner is gay and in the closet(which is a possibility here)then the other half deserves to know. The wife deserves a full happy relationship and she won't get that with someone who is gay and in the closet


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    #54
    Cheerful Spring
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,893 ✭✭✭Cheerful Spring


    No straight man watches gay porn sorry if you are watching men have sex you have to be gay.


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    #55
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    kickthecan wrote: »
    The OP is happy with her conclusion to the problem. That was the point of the tread. Get over yourselves trying to convince everyone you know more about this situation. You don't.

    Oh the irony


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    #56
    TheChizler
    Registered Users Posts: 9,439 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    Cheerful Spring wrote: »
    No straight man watches gay porn sorry if you are watching men have sex you have to be gay.
    Glad to hear the rules are so clear!


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    #57
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    TheChizler wrote: »
    Glad to hear the rules are so clear!

    Glad you understand


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    #58
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,000 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    LorMal wrote: »
    Joey, I'm afraid I disagree entirely. This whole notion of a fluid 'spectrum' is a myth. Nobody is forcing a label on anyone else here.
    The point is that a straight man will not get anything from watching gay porn. In fact, it will be difficult for him to watch.
    If a man is regularly watching gay porn over an extended time frame, he is gay or bi-sexual. He ain't straight. No, nay, never.
    That's not to 'label' him - that's just the facts. And very important for his fiance to know.

    You just said noone is forcing a label and you are not labelling and then you labelled.

    Is Baby and Crumble, a lesbian who enjoys watching gay porn a myth?

    I'm sure I could find hundreds of other examples if necessary. I know we all feel comfortable when people fit neatly into labels. Lots of people do fit neatly into labels. The reality is that many don't!

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #59
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    The OP's fiancé watching a bit of gay porn does not mean he's gay.
    I watched a hot space adventure last night, I won't go into any details but my point is it does not make me an astronaut.

    At the end of the day people even when in a relationship or marriage will have own thoughts and Fantasies as long as they don't act on the fantasy behind the partners backs then i don't see the problem. I never cheated and trust me I watched porn whilst in relationship that i could not act out with my then partner, does not mean I wanted to either, it was just porn nothing more nothing less.


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    #60
    Thar_Cian
    Registered Users Posts: 328 ✭✭Thar_Cian


    Cheerful Spring wrote: »
    No straight man watches gay porn sorry if you are watching men have sex you have to be gay.
    This thread certainly needed more bisexual erasure.


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    #61
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    The OP's fiancé watching a bit of gay porn does not mean he's gay.
    I watched a hot space adventure last night, I won't go into any details but my point is it does not make me an astronaut.

    At the end of the day people even when in a relationship or marriage will have own thoughts and Fantasies as long as they don't act on the fantasy behind the partners backs then i don't see the problem. I never cheated and trust me I watched porn whilst in relationship that i could not act out with my then partner, does not mean I wanted to either, it was just porn nothing more nothing less.

    So if man marries a women and he is a closeted gay but doesn't act on it you think that's ok? Wouldn't it be fair to say that the marriage is a sham and he is denying her a chance of real happyness.


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