Single women 'on the lookout for a man'

Up-n-atom!

You're less likely to do it if you're getting negative feedback - hence I can feel for Mussolini! You can strike up conversations with randomers here of course, and it does happen, but just not as regularly or for a long time. It's probably a state-of-mind thing too, when I'm here I'm much less open too...

Eve_Dublin

donfers wrote: »

ummm you can chat to randomers anywhere, it's just that sometimes some people find it easier to do far from home coz they care too much perhaps about what the homebodies think of them but are willing to let the hair down when incognito in some exotic land, I find it understandable but a tad disappointing.............better to just not give a shoite wherever you are and chat to who you like when you like and if somebody doesn't like it then that's their problem

Honestly, you can´t do it in Madrid. Not done. Believe me. I find it easier in Ireland and I´m from Ireland. I spoke to many, many Spanish about this and it´s not done. Their attitude is why would you when you´re with your own friends. It´s not part of the culture and from my experience, it is here in Ireland. Even chatting to other girls in the queue for the loo. God I miss it. In fairness, I´m not on my holidays there...I live, work, speak the lingo, pay taxes etc. The novelty and the need to go mental in a foreign country passed about 9 months ago. I just wouldn´t mind occasionally being able to strike up a conversation with someone randomly in a bar, cafe, shop etc without being blanked or being presumed to be trying to chat a man up.

Sorry...really bringing the thread off the topic.

WindSock

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

Ive made it pretty clear that I wasn't on the pull, the only judgement I made was that they seemed friendly, and could b nice to talk to. "but who knows" That suggests you see nothing wrong with the way they treated me? Well, to be specific, how she treated me. Did my approach, which I see nothing wrong with, no one else here has claimed it was weird, warrent such a response? It was perfectly friendly.

'But who knows' means who knows what had happened for the woman to warrant that response to you. I already gave you the benefit of the doubt that she was probably dismissive to you. I have said before, could have been a myriad of things as to why.
Could have been a sense that you were expecting rejection when you approached and it had shown, could have been that she just simply declined and you misread her for being rude, could have been that her group had already been approached several times that evening,

Or, shallow as it sounds...it could even be that they were out on the pull and didn't want their chances decreased on being chatted up by others if you and your mates were chatting to them for the evening.

I don't know you or your mates, or the group of girls and I am not judging you or your actions by what you have posted here. I am giving possible explanations for the reaction you recieved. And also my opinion on a single person approaching a large group, perhaps cocky was a harsh word, but it is not something that is often done by genuine people, in my experience anyway.

Socialising in bars can be a cnt sometimes. There are always rude people wherever you go, throw booze into the mix and it has the potential to ruin your evening. But it should not stop you from going out again and looking to talk to or approach people. If they are not receptive, don't always take it personally as it happens to us all (I reckon... )

WindSock

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Honestly, you can´t do it in Madrid. Not done. Believe me. I find it easier in Ireland and I´m from Ireland. I spoke to many, many Spanish about this and it´s not done. Their attitude is why would you when you´re with your own friends. It´s not part of the culture and from my experience, it is here in Ireland. Even chatting to other girls in the queue for the loo. God I miss it. In fairness, I´m not on my holidays there...I live, work, speak the lingo, pay taxes etc. The novelty and the need to go mental in a foreign country passed about 9 months ago. I just wouldn´t mind occasionally being able to strike up a conversation with someone randomly in a bar, cafe, shop etc without being blanked or being presumed to be trying to chat a man up.

Sorry...really bringing the thread off the topic.

I didn't realise that it is not easy to talk to strangers in Spain. I don't have too much experience with going out in Europe to bars, but I have in Oz/NZ, and found it easier to talk to people there than here. I know a big part of it was that I was Irish and it was an easy conversation starter.

missrandomer

what happens if your shy.... basicaly your fecked because A) you appear to be boring and b) they will move on to the girl that is way more flirty and confident in the group. ive tried to take chances but i usualy mess it up and rejection is a killer for a shy person.
ok my self pity rant is now over! continue boarders.... ha ha

Eve_Dublin

WindSock wrote: »

I didn't realise that it is not easy to talk to strangers in Spain. I don't have too much experience with going out in Europe to bars, but I have in Oz/NZ, and found it easier to talk to people there than here. I know a big part of it was that I was Irish and it was an easy conversation starter.

I can only talk about Madrid and I get the feeling Madrid is different to other parts of Spain.

Maybe they see talking to a girl with an intermediate level of the lingo hard work when they just want to relax. I don´t know.

Thing is, I travelled for a year alone and got very used to approaching strangers...I developed a bit of an addiction to striking up conversation with people when I got the chance (because I had to) but I was always the one in the pub in Dublin talking to randoms back in the day. My friends would have to try and locate me in the bar at the end of the night. Maybe I take it for granted that it´s the norm when maybe it isn´t? Hmm.

Ickle Magoo

missrandomer wrote: »

what happens if your shy.... basicaly your fecked because A) you appear to be boring and b) they will move on to the girl that is way more flirty and confident in the group. ive tried to take chances but i usualy mess it up and rejection is a killer for a shy person.
ok my self pity rant is now over! continue boarders.... ha ha

Do something about your shyness then. I was one of the most timid and terrified people you ever met, I know, I know, it's hard to believe :pac: and I got so fed up with feeling anxious and passed over all the time I set myself a mission to become braver. I did everything that terrified me and the more it terrified me the more I did it until I lost any reason to be/forgot how to be shy. :cool:

liah

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Do something about your shyness then. I was one of the most timid and terrified people you ever met, I know, I know, it's hard to believe :pac: and I got so fed up with feeling anxious and passed over all the time I set myself a mission to become braver. I did everything that terrified me and the more it terrified me the more I did it until I lost any reason to be/forgot how to be shy. :cool:

This x 1000000!

I was the exact same way, could barely even speak to people, then just said fcuk it and forced myself to get out there and hey, presto, I actually pass as normal now (well.. mostly). :pac:

Get out there and scare the hell out of yourself. It's the best way to learn.

maxxie

missrandomer wrote: »

what happens if your shy.... basicaly your fecked because A) you appear to be boring and b) they will move on to the girl that is way more flirty and confident in the group. ive tried to take chances but i usualy mess it up and rejection is a killer for a shy person.
ok my self pity rant is now over! continue boarders.... ha ha

if guy likes you he will see you are shy and not boring so will want to get to know you abit better!

unless hes a gimp that is

Up-n-atom!

+1 - me 3! Now I'd talk to anyone (or at least try!). Am not 100% confident still but way better than I used to be - you just have to get out there and purposely put yourself in the kind of social situations you are afraid of! Still have to get over the fear of asking guys out though, but I'm getting there.

maxxie

Up-n-atom! wrote: »

+1 - me 3! Now I'd talk to anyone (or at least try!). Am not 100% confident still but way better than I used to be - you just have to get out there and purposely put yourself in the kind of social situations you are afraid of! Still have to get over the fear of asking guys out though, but I'm getting there.

you can word it in such a way where he will ask you

nonsmoker

I'm a single girl, I enjoy going out for drinks with my friends - I don't go out 'looking for a man', if I happen to meet one then great but I like socialising with friends and catching up on a night out.

Its a vicious circle out there. There are a lot of men who are a**holes and arrogant when they have a few drinks in them but there are also a lot of women who are bitches and so ignorant to men who approach them....

Wolfe Tone

missrandomer wrote: »

what happens if your shy.... basicaly your fecked because A) you appear to be boring and b) they will move on to the girl that is way more flirty and confident in the group. ive tried to take chances but i usualy mess it up and rejection is a killer for a shy person.
ok my self pity rant is now over! continue boarders.... ha ha

I would suggest smiling at the guy so he knows you arent being an ice queen. If you kina look at your shoes or whatever, the guy will feel like he is drowning, been there!

Eve_Dublin

maxxie wrote: »

you can word it in such a way where he will ask you

Share your secrets oh wise one!

Eve_Dublin

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Do something about your shyness then. I was one of the most timid and terrified people you ever met, I know, I know, it's hard to believe :pac: and I got so fed up with feeling anxious and passed over all the time I set myself a mission to become braver. I did everything that terrified me and the more it terrified me the more I did it until I lost any reason to be/forgot how to be shy. :cool:

Can I ask you Ickle Magoo, what would you consider to be terrifying situations??

Wolfe Tone

maxxie wrote: »

you can word it in such a way where he will ask you

No you cant, most guys never pick up on crap like that.

Ickle Magoo

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Can I ask you Ickle Magoo, what would you consider to be terrifying situations??

Terrifying situations for me were anything - and it used to be pretty much everything...from trying new activities (I can't begin to count the hours I had spent watching other people ski or snowboard or ice-skate or horse-ride or trampoline as I looked on wishing I could overcome the paralysing fear) all the way up to speaking to people, asking guys out, meeting new people and the pièce de résistance of knee-knockers; public speaking or being the centre of attention infront of a large group of people - or worse - strangers!

Wolfe Tone

I used to really hate meeting new people and stuff, so I just forced myself to do it, still get nervous, you learn to hide it.

Eve_Dublin

Right ye see that´s interesting. I´ve thrown myself into lots of terrifying situations...travelled alone for a year, moved to Spain on my own not knowing anyone and I get up in front of adults everyday to teach them English...but I´d still consider myself quite shy. It comes and goes...I know some people who think I´m very confident and sometimes a bit mouthy but those who really know me have seen me freeze in some social situations and I still go red sometimes from embarrassment.

And yeah, I´ve approached men I fancy in pubs but only if I was getting some eye contact first and I know it´s a done deal (and I´ve had at least one drink....God Bless Ireland, eh?). If I´m honest, I find the idea of asking a man out that I fancy soberly and totally out of the blue without getting the "your good to go" signal terrifying.

I live with a girl from Canada and Jesus, she has confidence coming out of her ears. Before she met her current fella, she was always asking random guys out...giving men her number on public transport in Madrid (which I´m guessing is not too common there...women like the men to do the chasing), going straight up to a guy and asking him can she talk to them in a cafe...she´s never been knocked back and this is a 40 year old women sometimes asking a guy 10 years younger than her out....she´s an inspiration but I honestly get sweaty palms and my heart pounds when she´s telling me her stories and I´m trying to imagine myself doing something similar.

How do you even go about that? I want to do it in the New Year.

Larianne

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

I used to really hate meeting new people and stuff, so I just forced myself to do it, still get nervous, you learn to hide it.

And you do get better at it the more you practice!

I use to be very shy. Then I started seeing a guy who was very extrovert and watched how he interacted with people. I learnt some of his tricks. I also travelled abroad and on my own so I had to go and speak to people.

I'm still not the best in large groups of people and speaking in front of a crowd is my worst nightmare but its definitely something that can be improved on.

Oh I just see Eve's reply. Snap! (I even go red, too often!)

Up-n-atom!

I'm in a similar boat to the 2 above - not actively 'looking for a man' or fishing for a husband, but defo want to put myself out there a bit more and ask guys - esp as it's something I definitely need to overcome! I've gone travellling by myself in the last couple of years (I still get nervous before I go on one of these trips but it's always fine) and did some teaching as well, would never have thought I'd be able to do any of these things 3 or 4 years ago.

Am also intrigued as to maxxie's secret 'turn it around so they ask you' thing. I'm really crap at telling if someone likes me, so I'd rather just be upfront about it and find out, rather than trying to gauge if they like me and getting them to do it.

Eve_Dublin

There´s actually a guy who works in a shop close to my house (the down side is that it´s a shop that sells furs and leather....does that make him a bad person??) He´s given me no signs that he fancies me and we both regularly have coffee in the same cafe close to the shop...no eye contact, nothing. I walk past his shop everyday and sometimes we catch each other´s eye but he looks away immediately. I don´t think he even notices me. I don´t fancy too many men I come across but this man is rugged. Should I even bother my arse if I´m not getting the signals? I´m not looking for a relationship but I´d love to ask him out, even just to get over the fear. I mentioned in another forum and maybe in here too that I had a disappointing experience with a guy I really, really liked who didn´t want anything more except friendship and sex, so this could knock the confidence even more...or maybe it´d have the opposite affect, even if he rejects me. What do you think?

Ickle Magoo

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

I used to really hate meeting new people and stuff, so I just forced myself to do it, still get nervous, you learn to hide it.

Yeah, or at least it graduates from being a paralysing nauseous with fear awful feeling to getting a real kick or high or adrenalin rush that's a good feeling and one I like getting and am motivated to get more of.

Eve_Dublin wrote:

How do you even go about that? I want to do it in the New Year.

I'm not sure if it's the activities or just something snapped inside me. I can remember standing sobbing at the top of a 90ft cliff too terrified to lean back and take the tension on the rope and go down - and what was worse was I had a serious crush on the belay. I can remember thinking at my own body parts: "If you don't do this I will seriously injure you" - and I literally had to drag mind-over-matter until I did it. Then I went straight back up to the top of the cliff and did it again - and then again facing down to the ground. After that I just forced myself to keep doing things until I was no longer scared and could actually enjoy it - the following year I worked as the belay.

I got home and bought some hockey skates and conquered my fear of the ice rink - left home at 16 and moved 200 miles away, went up to the cairngorms and learnt how to ski and snowboard - I now have instructors badges. I joined the amateur dramatics club, the debating club, took a job as a tour guide, took up kick-boxing - basically deliberately put myself in the position of having to continually do things that scared me. The more I did, the less I thought things were beyond me and it snowballed itself - the hardest bit for me was getting the whole ball rolling.

Eve_Dublin wrote:

There´s actually a guy who works in a shop close to my house (the down side is that it´s a shop that sells furs and leather....does that make him a bad person??) He´s given me no signs that he fancies me and we both regularly have coffee in the same cafe close to the shop...no eye contact, nothing. I walk past his shop everyday and sometimes we catch each other´s eye but he looks away immediately. I don´t think he even notices me. I don´t fancy too many men I come across but this man is rugged. Should I even bother my arse if I´m not getting the signals? I´m not looking for a relationship but I´d love to ask him out, even just to get over the fear. I mentioned in another forum and maybe in here too that I had a disappointing experience with a guy I really, really liked who didn´t want anything more except friendship and sex, so this could knock the confidence even more...or maybe it´d have the opposite affect, even if he rejects me. What do you think?

Go into his shop, have a chat - make plenty eye contact and see what he does then. He could be gay, he could be married, he could just be shy and find it awkward to hold eye-contact.

Larianne

There's a saying something like "you should do something every day that scares you".

Oh I just looked it up and its by Eleanor Roosevelt.

It does help you live an enriched life. And as Ickle Magoo, its the starting off that's hard. Get's easier then.

donfers

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Honestly, you can´t do it in Madrid. Not done. Believe me. I find it easier in Ireland and I´m from Ireland. I spoke to many, many Spanish about this and it´s not done. Their attitude is why would you when you´re with your own friends. It´s not part of the culture and from my experience, it is here in Ireland. Even chatting to other girls in the queue for the loo. God I miss it. In fairness, I´m not on my holidays there...I live, work, speak the lingo, pay taxes etc. The novelty and the need to go mental in a foreign country passed about 9 months ago. I just wouldn´t mind occasionally being able to strike up a conversation with someone randomly in a bar, cafe, shop etc without being blanked or being presumed to be trying to chat a man up.

Sorry...really bringing the thread off the topic.

I lived in Madrid for 3 years and I understand what you're saying, they do have a reputation for being a bit cliquey and judgemental but I think it's more of a big city thing than a Madrid thing....again you'd be surprised if you approach these people that they are often more open and friendly than you'd think, also in every big city there is always a bohemian, counter-establishment, lefty liberal type area....in these type of places it's almost impossible not to get chatting with people even if you don't feel like it, in madrid I'd suggest lavapies or san bernardo/bilbao area

some of them are just close-minded dicks though who won't give you the time of day unless you have sucked up to them and boosted their ego for 20 years, but don't let that put you off from meeting other nicer people and don't be down if they are rude to you as it's not worth considering except maybe being grateful that they have clearly advertised that they are to be avoided

the greatest power the assholes of the world have is not putting you down, it's stopping you from meeting the decent people out there because of the putdown experience you don't wish to repeat, don't let them have that power over you and be thankful that those people are far less common than you might think

Discodog

missrandomer wrote: »

what happens if your shy.... basicaly your fecked because A) you appear to be boring and b) they will move on to the girl that is way more flirty and confident in the group. ive tried to take chances but i usualy mess it up and rejection is a killer for a shy person.
ok my self pity rant is now over! continue boarders.... ha ha

Too flirty and or too confident can be worse than shyness. The best conversation starter will always be a smile. I am comfortable striking up conversations with total strangers - so much so that if I go out with friends they are amazed that I appear to know a lot of people. So I could talk to a girl without fear but it is a different matter trying to take the conversation on to a possible date.

Sometimes a shy person can be attractive in the sense that you know that there are things that are hidden for you to discover.

missrandomer

Discodog wrote: »

Too flirty and or too confident can be worse than shyness. The best conversation starter will always be a smile. I am comfortable striking up conversations with total strangers - so much so that if I go out with friends they are amazed that I appear to know a lot of people. So I could talk to a girl without fear but it is a different matter trying to take the conversation on to a possible date.

Sometimes a shy person can be attractive in the sense that you know that there are things that are hidden for you to discover.

ive never realy thought about smiling, i find it hard talkin to strangers or guys i like and maby its an insecurity thing. defo going to try this, a smile is a start... sure what hav i got to loose.

i can feel myself going red even just reading your comments about taking chances and risks talking to people, but am inspired by all your comments so thank you all very much (ive linked this thread for next time im going out) just to re-motivate myself. now with a bit of luck il take the chance and talk to guys and hopefuly i wont stand there lik a female version of roy cropper aukwardly standing there clutchin my bag bahhaha
thanks you guys xx

Nulty

You know, when its said that your smile makes things easier, its not that you have a beautiful smile that makes the differencee, its that it makes you less intimidating to the other person. don't worry about what you look like when you smile - thats not important. Whats important is the message you send when you smile.

2 cents

Discodog

missrandomer wrote: »

ive never realy thought about smiling, i find it hard talkin to strangers or guys i like and maby its an insecurity thing. defo going to try this, a smile is a start... sure what hav i got to loose.

A smile changes the message that you give out from I am shy & don't want to talk to I am a bit shy but I am really nice & worth getting to know. The right guy will see through your shyness & want to know more about the girl behind the smile.

missrandomer

ok so smile: check
be braver: check

but can i ask.... do guys in your opinion think in that level in just one glance. i dunno but i cant see someone thinkin "she mite be worth getting to know but is shy" just from a room scan and a smile. Its keeping the attention i supose is wher the work comes in.