Single women 'on the lookout for a man'

Feeona

Maguined wrote: »

Not really the opportunity to find out if they are committed you just ignore and pass by, you are just willing to spend the time getting to know a guy that asks you out based on the assumption that a shy guy is less likely to commit to you but I am not sure if this assumption is right.

I am not having a go at you and as you said it is just personal opinion as I doubt there is any real statistics so my own personal gut feeling is that the assumption that a man is willing to ask you out is indicative to his capacity to commit is not related in the slightest.

If you like a guy, ask him out and when you get to know him you will learn if he is a committed person or not, just the same as if a man asks you out you will learn if he is committed or not, don't eliminate your options but refusing to ask men you attracted to out.

I know you're not having a go. It's good to tease it out, it's been rolling around my head for ages!


I personally don't think that men who don't ask women out are less likely to stick around (although it is a valid inference to make). I'm coming from the angle that (specifically) a woman asking a man out is putting herself in the position of not fully knowing if he wants to be with her or not, and thus not knowing if he'll stick around when the going gets tough.

When I asked men out, it didn't feel right. When I stopped doing that, I personally didn't feel like I was limiting my options because asking a man out just wasn't a viable option for me. I've had friends who've asked men out, it worked for them to varying degrees and good for them. But for me, asking a man out was like buying my own Christmas present and wrapping it!

Feeona

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

TBH I dont understand how a guy being shy would mean he wouldnt be likely to stay with the woman if she got pregnant!

If a woman asks a man out, it doesn't necessarily follow that the man is shy. So I don't believe that shy men are more likely to feck off when the going gets tough

Maguined

You are still assuming that a man who asks a woman out is asking her out so he can commit to a relationship and will be there for children, this is simply not true in the slightest, plenty of men will ask a woman out just to sleep with her. Even the committed men who will stick around for children don't want to do that with any person but will only commit to a specific woman after they get to know her so the initial asking out is no clear indication of a mans level of commitment.

I agree with you on your second point, some people prefer the thrill of being asked out by the other party, then again there is also a huge thrill seeing someone you like, taking the courage to go up to that person and to ask them out and have your interest reciprocated. Whichever thrill you prefer yourself is definitely personal preference, I enjoy both but would definitely not rule out one or the other because I felt it infers some level of future commitment.

Discodog

Feeona wrote: »

I'm coming from the angle that (specifically) a woman asking a man out is putting herself in the position of not fully knowing if he wants to be with her or not, and thus not knowing if he'll stick around when the going gets tough.

A guy could easily use the same argument in not asking a girl out. You are on an interesting track in that we now know that what seem like, everyday decisions are actual based on very basic human instincts that relate back to our animal past.

The wonderful Professor Ray Winston showed in his TV series how women chose a man as a potential father & how, once past the menopause, that they use different criteria. He also showed the amazing silhouette test. You make 5 identical "hour glass" silhouettes of a woman & then make one waist 1mm smaller. When you ask men which one they prefer the majority go for the smaller waist. When you ask them why they say that they don't know & just picked one. The 1mm difference is so tiny yet the male brain focuses on it.

I wonder if your feeling that, if he asks you out he will stick around, is based on the inner insecurity that we all possess. In other words if he asks me out he must like me whereas if I ask him out he may say yes just to avoid embarrassment & he may not really like me.

I love the idea of being asked. But then again I think that confidence is a trait that can be attractive to both men & women. So we both like the idea of feeling desired. Plus we are often keen to let someone else take the risk of rejection.

Feeona

Maguined wrote: »

You are still assuming that a man who asks a woman out is asking her out so he can commit to a relationship and will be there for children, this is simply not true in the slightest, plenty of men will ask a woman out just to sleep with her. Even the committed men who will stick around for children don't want to do that with any person but will only commit to a specific woman after they get to know her so the initial asking out is no clear indication of a mans level of commitment.

To me, a man wanting no strings sex would make me feel as uncertain about him as asking him out would. Immediately, I'd be on uncertain ground, and probably wouldn't want to pursue the relationship much further.

Furthermore, a man or woman committing to a single partner after getting to know them is a given. There has to be some initial attraction though for that to happen : initial attraction consisting of looks/personality/whatever's important to you. For me, being asked out is an important aspect of the initial attraction.

Feeona

Discodog wrote: »

I wonder if your feeling that, if he asks you out he will stick around, is based on the inner insecurity that we all possess. In other words if he asks me out he must like me whereas if I ask him out he may say yes just to avoid embarrassment & he may not really like me.

I love the idea of being asked. But then again I think that confidence is a trait that can be attractive to both men & women. So we both like the idea of feeling desired. Plus we are often keen to let someone else take the risk of rejection.

It could be. It's almost like bargaining. We do it everyday (and not only in matters of the heart!) without realising it. Who's willing to show their cards first? Who has more to lose?

Discodog

Feeona wrote: »

It could be. It's almost like bargaining. We do it everyday (and not only in matters of the heart!) without realising it. Who's willing to show their cards first? Who has more to lose?

I agree. But in today's world we don't always want to choose partners purely for breeding so the instinctive behaviour may now be a hindrance.
I just wonder how many potential wonderful relationships never happened because both parties really fancied each other but neither would make the first move.

Also it really does depend on how good we are at giving out the right signals & how good we are at reading them in others. I suspect that the Professor would say that women like the idea of a man asking them out because it shows a lack of fear from possible rejection. But it could also mean that he is an experienced womaniser who is good at chatting up to get his wicked way before moving to the next victim.

Stheno

I first asked my current bf out, we'd been chatting online, and I suggested coffee before I went to a work related evening do.

Two and a bit years later we are very happy

Strangely enough neither of us want kids (he has two) so that never came into it, and I knew it before I asked him out, I don't want kids at all.

He arrived for our date a bit late, and I was on the phone to suppliers arguing, to this day we talk about how he was sure when he walked me down to the place my work do was in that he felt sure he'd never see me again.

That said I'm the same with women I meet online, often suggest a coffee/lunch to get to know those I click with online, so didn't do anything different with the bf really

CathyMoran

I do not think that I was ever on the lookout for a man - the one time I was actively avoiding relatiohships (important year in college) they seemed to be all over me. In the end though I am happy with a man that I fell in love with at first sight (and he did the same), he did not ask me out then but we kept on bumping into one another and got on really well. One evening I was supposed to meet him in college and had to go home early (I left an email with my number) - he rang and after a lot of ups and downs we are happily married.

John400

Up-n-atom! wrote: »

I'd be interested to know what guys in general think of girls making the first move..

If a girl made the first move i'd be quite frankly delighted, most guys would and the blokes who say that they wouldn't be delighted are liars!!

If i met a girl i liked i would ask her out eventually but i would be assessing if i got on with her etc..before i did.

Also eventually asking her out can be quite a daunting prospect. As posters have said it does take courage to do it.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think I've ever "been on the lookout" for a man. In fact all my long term partners arrived on the scene when I'd sworn off men completely and was enjoying the single life.

seenitall

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't think I've ever "been on the lookout" for a man. In fact all my long term partners arrived on the scene when I'd sworn off men completely and was enjoying the single life.

Lucky you.

cazzzzz

Princess Peach wrote: »

I really don't like being single, but I can't say that I'm actively seeking a man. If a guy starts chatting to me, I'll chat back and we'll see how it goes, but I'm never one to make the first move at all. So I would really like a boyfriend, but I'm not really doing much to find one, if you get me!

Exactly like me couldn't have said it better!

Princess Peach

I don't mean to say that girl's shouldn't make the first move. I'm just way too shy for that

PK2008

What are the signs? How do you spot one of these 'on the lookout' women?

Ok women dont approach men but how do they go about letting them know they wish to be approached?

Discodog

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't think I've ever "been on the lookout" for a man. In fact all my long term partners arrived on the scene when I'd sworn off men completely and was enjoying the single life.

Oh so if she says "I am off men" it does not necessarily mean that she is off men.

Gosh a little more to add to the confusion .

Or does it mean that she is off men like me ?

EricPraline

Feeona wrote: »

I'm coming from the angle that (specifically) a woman asking a man out is putting herself in the position of not fully knowing if he wants to be with her or not, and thus not knowing if he'll stick around when the going gets tough.

No matter what angle I look at this, I can't see how the situation is any different for a man. If what you say is true and a man is asking a woman out, would he not be putting himself in exactly the same position? Does it mean he doesn't know if she'll stick around when the going gets tough - you know, when he loses his job, gets ill, or has difficulties with his family? Or does the going only ever get tough for a woman?

I don't mean to be critical, but to me it sounds like you're not prepared to risk rejection, and would prefer if a man puts himself on the line first. That's fine, but it's a massive leap to say that the success of any relationship during difficult times will depend on who asked whom out months or years before. A few anecdotes don't justify that leap.

Ickle Magoo

Discodog wrote: »

Oh so if she says "I am off men" it does not necessarily mean that she is off men.

Gosh a little more to add to the confusion .

Or does it mean that she is off men like me ?

Well, in my case, it was just I had other things going on in my life that I wanted to concentrate on and a relationship would complicate matters - it wasn't that "men" or a man had done anything wrong.

John400

EricPraline wrote: »

I don't mean to be critical, but to me it sounds like you're not prepared to risk rejection, and would prefer if a man puts himself on the line first.

Personally i don't have any qualms about asking a girl out who i like and i do think that generally probably the majority of Irish girls are traditional when it come to this...in that they expect the guy to do the asking.

Girls who expect the guy to ask them out..aren't actually facing the risk of rejection because the guy has to live with being rejected and as the decision is up to her..it can be a bit of a slap in the face for the bloke if he's not sucessful not to mention potentially embarassing and arkward in the future if he works in the same company as her..also it can be a real embarassment for the guy if the girl is already seeing someone...nightmare scenario.!

In saying that though nothing wrong in the girl refusing the guy if she's not into him.

Feeona

EricPraline wrote: »

I don't mean to be critical, but to me it sounds like you're not prepared to risk rejection, and would prefer if a man puts himself on the line first. That's fine, but it's a massive leap to say that the success of any relationship during difficult times will depend on who asked whom out months or years before. A few anecdotes don't justify that leap.

If I wasn't prepared to risk rejection, I never would have asked anyone out.

I think it's a massive leap to say that I believe that the success of a relationship entirely depends on who asks who out. There are a myriad of factors involved in cultivating a successful relationship, and I think who asks who out is just one of them.

Feeona

John400 wrote: »

In saying that though nothing wrong in the girl refusing the guy if she's not into him.

Hear, hear! It happened to me a few times during my 'asking men out' stage. All part of the game, you have to learn not to take the rebuff too personally!

Daisy03

Whenever I go out I wouldnt be on "the lookout". If I meet someone, I meet someone. I am in my early twenties and I thought that most people my age would be like this.

A few weeks ago though, I went to a gig with a friend. She wasn't very impressed with the standard of the other gig-goers, who were mainly male. (She knew going to it that it wasn't her type of music but she said she would go). She made a comment saying she wouldn't be meeting her future husband there. I thought she was joking but she was dead serious.. She's also in her early twenties. The way she talked it was like every night out is a potential chance to meet Mr Right. I couldn't believe her. She sat there all night pouting and couldn't even appreciate the fantastic music.

killerking

John400 wrote: »

Hi ladies, the title of this thread is self explanatory in itself.! Just a wondering from me.. i hear this phrase being bandied about from time to time that single women are always 'on the lookout for a man', be it at work or when out socially etc.

Do you think that this is generally true?

Absolutely.
They don't wear signs that say 'I want a man' but if a woman is straight and unattached that means she is open to the idea of getting together with a man.

Ickle Magoo

As per the forum charter;

This forum is for the discussion of topics from a woman's point of view.
We do welcome male input, but do bear in mind that this forum is firstly for the women of boards to have their say, from their point of view.

Anyone breaking any aspect of the charter will be warned firstly (by one or a combination of PM/infraction/on-thread) and then banned for any further violations. The length of the ban will depend on the degree of the violation or amount of previous violations.

Please take this as a warning that crass generalisations about "women" are not appropriate.

Many thanks

John400

Daisy03 wrote: »

A few weeks ago though, I went to a gig with a friend. She wasn't very impressed with the standard of the other gig-goers, who were mainly male. (She knew going to it that it wasn't her type of music but she said she would go). She made a comment saying she wouldn't be meeting her future husband there. I thought she was joking but she was dead serious.. She's also in her early twenties. The way she talked it was like every night out is a potential chance to meet Mr Right. I couldn't believe her. She sat there all night pouting and couldn't even appreciate the fantastic music.

Girls with an attitude like that would make any potential Mr. Right's run a mile!

NickDrake

A lot of Irish women are so very difficult to chat up.

They have high notions about themselves.

Therefore they arrive in their early 30's and realise they don't have a husband.

Pretty pathetic really.

Some Irish men are idiots but it is a hard job for some many of us.

liah

Can't say I've ever actively been on the lookout. I wouldn't complain if I happened to come across the right person, mind! But I tend to just fall into my relationships and they always come when I least expect it, and I like it much more that way, rather driving myself nuts trying to find them.

John400

NickDrake wrote: »

A lot of Irish women are so very difficult to chat up.

I'd tend to agree with that.

trixie_belle12

NickDrake wrote: »

A lot of Irish women are so very difficult to chat up.

They have high notions about themselves.

Therefore they arrive in their early 30's and realise they don't have a husband.

Pretty pathetic really.

Some Irish men are idiots but it is a hard job for some many of us.

wow i just realised i'm going on 32 and I don't have a husband! nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!:eek:

Feeona

NickDrake wrote: »

A lot of Irish women are so very difficult to chat up.

And a lot of Irish men get drunk and aggressive. It didn't stop me from meeting my boyfriend though.

If you want to spend your life thinking that Irish women are pathetic, then so be it. Don't come complaining though when you find it hard to chat them up. Your attitude says more about you than any words could.