Single women 'on the lookout for a man'

Eve_Dublin · 27-12-2010 9:58pm

Discodog wrote: »

Maybe we should rename this thread Mussolini getting grief from angry women. Lighten up mate & don't tar all women with the same brush - actually don't tar them at all. Don't lose your confidence - nothing worse than going to a pub/club & looking like Father Dougal in a room full of Nuns !.

Haha...thumbs up!

Maguined · 27-12-2010 10:02pm

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

I said it was a mixed group, because it was a mixed group. The poster said I should just go talk to different people, another group, which I did. The relevance is that if I say "another group" the natural query would be whether it was a group of girls or not, I preempted that. Simple as. You are reading too much into it.

I have never had issues with lads induced by me merely saying what was basically hello.

How it was induced is not relevant, some people are rude in different circumstances, the fact remains that they were rude as individuals and this does not reflect on anyone else.

If the queen bee that was rude to you was blonde would you trying to infer that all blondes are rude in clubs? of course not.

Just accept the experience and don't let it put you off, if you do then you will end up like the blokes that are so intimidated by women that they feel they have to be super aggressive in approaching women which intimidates the women and the circle starts all over again.

Rabble Rabble · 28-12-2010 1:51am

killerking wrote: »

First of all old country dances were just as sexually charged as modern nightclubs.
Secondly if a woman doesn't want a man to talk to her she doesn't have to tolerate him if she doesn't want to. Being polite often doesn't work because many men simply don't understand plain English so they have to be told to 'f*ck off.'

You missed my point. You can't tell someone to f#ck off at a house party just because they say hello, or at a dinner party. It doesn't matter how underlyingly sexually charged these places are there are normal social rules.

Hence my italics around the and only. The nightclub is only sexual, the rest have normal social rules.

Wolfe Tone · 28-12-2010 2:51am

Maguined wrote: »

How it was induced is not relevant, some people are rude in different circumstances, the fact remains that they were rude as individuals and this does not reflect on anyone else.

If the queen bee that was rude to you was blonde would you trying to infer that all blondes are rude in clubs? of course not.

Just accept the experience and don't let it put you off, if you do then you will end up like the blokes that are so intimidated by women that they feel they have to be super aggressive in approaching women which intimidates the women and the circle starts all over again.

In fairness I was given a list of reasons why the woman was a bitch in this instance. Those reasons are fairly unique to women tbh, I don't know any lads who regularly have to tell girls to feck off cause they don't want to be chatted up and want to be left alone. Seemingly a good few women here have done such, although in politer terms. Seen as way more men approach women than the other way around, it is an issue mainly to do with women being rude and insensitive, rather than people being rude and insensitive in general.

Just as groping people and being drunkenly lecherous when approaching people seems to be a mainly male problem.

Attitudes like this for instence:

Sometimes you're better off with an outright 'no' from the get-go, rude as it might be

Maybe that was the attitude the girls I met had? Do any other posters share that attitude?

And as for being intimidated by women, no I am not at all, I would just be wary of approaching a group of women in the same circumstances again, as I have no desire to be treated similarly. I will do it anyway. Of course odds are that these are bad apples, in fact it had never happened before prior to last week, the only incident I had before was with a woman taking advantage of me in order to get a free drink(I wrote about that before) lesson learned there, I dont buy girls drinks anymore, well at least ones I just met. However, seeing the reasons why women act in such a way, fed up being approached, could make people even more wary of approaching them. So when is it ok? Its a bit of a minefield. When is it ok to simply be friendly? Only solution seems to do it anyways, will meet nice people eventually, however if a guy is unlucky and meets a group like I did five or six times in a row when he is out, it is perfectly understandable that he would not be inclined to do it again.

To be honest it is a bit of a generalization to say that the only reason a guy would talk, or go up to a woman in a night club, specifically in the beer garden where everyone hangs out to chat, is interested in "getting some". Or maybe I am just a weirdo who likes having women and male friends.

WindSock · 28-12-2010 3:08am

Does approaching a group of any people like that ever work? Seems a little cocky to me, imo.

Wolfe Tone · 28-12-2010 3:19am

WindSock wrote: »

Does approaching a group of any people like that ever work? Seems a little cocky to me, imo.

Depends what you mean by "work" tbh, usually we would end up talking away yeah. I don't see how it is cocky, I wouldn't be described as a cocky person at all. How is it cocky?

Idbatterim · 28-12-2010 3:29am

I can totally understand women getting sick of being apporached and hassled on nights out, but the main problem is generally they dont do any of the initiating even if they really like / fancy the guy, and guys arent good at reading signals. So were back to square one of guys having to approach the women, some women will welcome this, others wont... Also to mussolini, atleast you have the courage to go up the a group of women, alot of men cant even do that, when you go up, they might just not have interest in men that night even if you are great looking etc. I really wouldnt take it personally, honestly you have got to look at who on average most guys are being rejected by, for the most part id say average value females, who reckon they are far higher than the pecking order than they are! Strip them down ie. without concealer, make up, mascara bla bla bla and without the sexy clothes, heals etc, put them in the pub and club then and see where their confidence is!

WindSock · 28-12-2010 3:35am

Well, I just think it is an odd to approach a group, any group and ask to involve yourself in their conversation like that. It seems a bit unnatural. I don't know what sort of reaction you would expect as it seems strange to me to do that.

Wolfe Tone · 28-12-2010 3:39am

WindSock wrote: »

Well, I just think it is an odd to approach a group, any group and ask to involve yourself in their conversation like that. It seems a bit unnatural. I don't know what sort of reaction you would expect as it seems strange to me to do that.

Huh, fair enough, they were standing beside my group I basically just turned to them and said that, seemed a natural thing to do tbh

WindSock · 28-12-2010 3:48am

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

Huh, fair enough, they were standing beside my group I basically just turned to them and said that, seemed a natural thing to do tbh

Well, in most cases, I would respect a persons confidence to approach a group like that. But there are several circumstances for how you were denied access. It could have been from anything to your method of approach, to private conversation, to the unfriendly one speaking for the rest.

Wolfe Tone · 28-12-2010 4:31am

WindSock wrote: »

Well, in most cases, I would respect a persons confidence to approach a group like that. But there are several circumstances for how you were denied access. It could have been from anything to your method of approach, to private conversation, to the unfriendly one speaking for the rest.

TBH I think the woman in question was just a stuck up cow and was speaking for the rest of them. As I said, she looked me up and down first the clear impression that I got was that her decision was based on how I look. Bit rich, now I think about it, she wasn't exactly a looker herself, didnt matter how they looked tbh as I said I was only looking to chat.

Thats a rather strange phrase to use, "denied access".

If you where the woman how would you have reacted?

WindSock · 28-12-2010 4:48am

Yeah, denied access to the group, not too strange.
How I would have reacted as I said before, depends on how I were approached or what conversation is happening, but I generally go out to talk and socialise and meet new people so I doubt I would have been as dismissive, but who knows. Maybe she had something against your approach. MAybe you had time to make judgements on her looks from afar and she just had there and then to assess you and whether or not your mates would also be joining their group when they return.

Wolfe Tone · 28-12-2010 5:11am

WindSock wrote: »

Yeah, denied access to the group, not too strange.
How I would have reacted as I said before, depends on how I were approached or what conversation is happening, but I generally go out to talk and socialise and meet new people so I doubt I would have been as dismissive, but who knows. Maybe she had something against your approach. MAybe you had time to make judgements on her looks from afar and she just had there and then to assess you and whether or not your mates would also be joining their group when they return.

Ive made it pretty clear that I wasn't on the pull, the only judgement I made was that they seemed friendly, and could b nice to talk to. "but who knows" That suggests you see nothing wrong with the way they treated me? Well, to be specific, how she treated me. Did my approach, which I see nothing wrong with, no one else here has claimed it was weird, warrent such a response? It was perfectly friendly.

Eve_Dublin · 28-12-2010 11:45am

I have to agree with Windsock...there's something unnatural about your approach. Usually when I get talking to groups I'm standing beside one person from the group, strike up a conversation over something but I definitely wouldn't say, "Hello do you mind if I join you for a moment...." or anything along those lines. I'm trying to get into the frame of mind of these women (leaving the mouthy cow out of the picture)...I would view your approach as a bit too "Mr Smoothy" for an Irish bar (and I know you weren't trying to pull them...even for a chat) and I would definitely presume that your trying to pull either me or one of my friends. Yes, I'm a big head, fair enough but I can tell you now that 99% of men that have appraoched me (as in made a point of walking up and talking to me as supposed to having a random chat at the bar just by chance) have wanted more because they've made it known early on with a compliment or a vibe (easy to read...most men don't do subtlty). I KNOW I'm not the exception here so for those women to presume that you fancied one of them and wanted to pull her is not so strange...believe me, it's what all women would have presumed.

Listen, as I said before, Ireland is really the only country I've lived in where you can talk to randoms without something more happening necessarily. It doesn't happen in Madrid where I live and it's pants. I just feel your approach was a little forced. Very brave (fair play...seriously!) but they don't know anything about you...you basically came up out of the blue and asked them to join them. It's a little unusual. If you happened to be talking to one of us and made a joke and showed a little bit of your personality, then things might have been different but honestly, with men knocking about trying this PUA crap, perhaps women are wary of a man who approach in this way.

I'm open-minded and friendly when I'm out and I love to talk to randomers (it's a serious gripe for me in Madrid) but if a guy gives off a vibe that he wants to chat me up (which, as I said, is most men who are strangers who go out of their way to talk to me), then I've the right to say, "Listen, I'm just here with my friends...sorry!" and give a smile.

Ickle Magoo · 28-12-2010 1:51pm

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

Ive made it pretty clear that I wasn't on the pull, the only judgement I made was that they seemed friendly, and could b nice to talk to. "but who knows" That suggests you see nothing wrong with the way they treated me? Well, to be specific, how she treated me. Did my approach, which I see nothing wrong with, no one else here has claimed it was weird, warrent such a response? It was perfectly friendly.

You have to bear in mind that most women have been dealing with all manner of men approaching them and trying to strike up conversation with them since the the days of school discos - that you know there was nothing more to it that friendly banter doesn't mean they would or should know automatically you weren't one of the legions of others trying to muscle into their night out on the guise of "a bit of friendly banter".

Of course it was a rude response and not one I use with any but the drunkest and slimiest of guys that wander up to me in the middle of a night out or chat with one of my friends and act as if I should be delighted with their intrusion but others have a lower tolerance - or perhaps they'd just gotten rid of a leering clown that opened with the same line. It's kind of short-sighted to just presume its someone being awful or that the rest of the group weren't profoundly grateful for her comment.

She may just have been rude and it may be because she was fugly and a stuck up cow - if that's the way you'd rather view it. The flip side is she could also be loosing the head at the seemingly never-ending conveyor belt of guys demanding conversation/time/to join groups/an opener for a friend/player techniques - something I think all women can relate to and why although I wouldn't condone her methods, I have some empathy with to why she might have done it.

Wolfe Tone · 28-12-2010 3:19pm

I think I will keep my anecdotes to myself in future, I mean, how dare I try to be friendly and say hello when these poor women are subjected to the never ending horrors that they have been? How unthoughtful of me.

I see nothing unnatural about saying hello and introducing myself to a group of people, Ive done this quite a bit, no one has ever said it was weird, and Ive made some great friends in doing so. Its a bit strange, you complain, and rightly so, about drunken lecherous guys approaching, yet you also complain about what I said. Its a bit of a joke tbh, I was friendly and clearly said why I was there. If she doesn't believe that, then thats her problem, not mine, not much else I can do. Its attitudes like this which result in guys getting tanked up before going over to women, I didn't do that, I was just friendly, yet am still wrong.

I was told to feck of solely based on my looks, I am sure if I said I told some woman who came over in the same circumstances to feck off because I thought she was ugly I would be rightly crucified.

liah · 28-12-2010 3:29pm

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

I think I will keep my anecdotes to myself in future, I mean, how dare I try to be friendly and say hello when these poor women are subjected to the never ending horrors that they have been? How unthoughtful of me.

I see nothing unnatural about saying hello and introducing myself to a group of people, Ive done this quite a bit, no one has ever said it was weird, and Ive made some great friends in doing so. Its a bit strange, you complain, and rightly so, about drunken lecherous guys approaching, yet you also complain about what I said. Its a bit of a joke tbh, I was friendly and clearly said why I was there. If she doesn't believe that, then thats her problem, not mine, not much else I can do. Its attitudes like this which result in guys getting tanked up before going over to women, I didn't do that, I was just friendly, yet am still wrong.

I was told to feck of solely based on my looks, I am sure if I said I told some woman who came over in the same circumstances to feck off because I thought she was ugly I would be rightly crucified.

Ah now in fairness the girls have explained it pretty well so far. Please try to stop getting defensive about it. No one has condoned their reactions, just simply tried to offer up an explanation. Nobody has said you've done anything wrong, either!

You're frustrated because someone took you up wrong on your intention in an environment in which the intention they expected was a much more likely scenario than the one you were presenting. They played the odds and lost, that's their loss. That in no way is a reflection upon you or your character, nor is it a reflection of all women, Irish women, or even just the sort of women in that pub. It's just a reflection of that particular group of women, no more, no less.

Next time, if it makes you feel better, call them up on it-- but honestly, I personally would use it as a good idiot filter. If the girl reacts rudely when you approach her in a non-sleazy way, then she's not the kinda girl you wanna waste time talking to anyway. Take the positive away from it.

Plenty of girls have gone through the exact same thing you are right now. It's not a gender issue. It's a human one. Nobody likes getting rejected, and the people do it because they're insecure. Both human conditions, not gender ones.

Maguined · 28-12-2010 5:53pm

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

I think I will keep my anecdotes to myself in future, I mean, how dare I try to be friendly and say hello when these poor women are subjected to the never ending horrors that they have been? How unthoughtful of me.

I see nothing unnatural about saying hello and introducing myself to a group of people, Ive done this quite a bit, no one has ever said it was weird, and Ive made some great friends in doing so. Its a bit strange, you complain, and rightly so, about drunken lecherous guys approaching, yet you also complain about what I said. Its a bit of a joke tbh, I was friendly and clearly said why I was there. If she doesn't believe that, then thats her problem, not mine, not much else I can do. Its attitudes like this which result in guys getting tanked up before going over to women, I didn't do that, I was just friendly, yet am still wrong.

I was told to feck of solely based on my looks, I am sure if I said I told some woman who came over in the same circumstances to feck off because I thought she was ugly I would be rightly crucified.

No one said you did anything wrong, your actions were completely fine, it is completely okay to go up to people in a bar and say hello. Their response while rude is still completely withing their rights, you don't have to be nice or civil to anyone, sure it makes you a nicer and more polite human being if you do but it is not mandatory.

If you told a woman to feck off you would be criticized the same as those women did to you, you would be labelled rude and not very nice, gender is irrelevant.

There is nothing wrong with your anecdote, only your expectations from it, you do not have the right to demand that people are nice and polite to you, people can be rude and disrespectful to you if they want. You should just do what liah says and use it as an idiot filter and ignore these people as no one likes rude and impolite people.

You did nothing wrong, those women did nothing wrong, they were rude but that is not wrong as it is within their rights to be rude if they so choose, just don't let it get to you and learn to brush it off as what random strangers say to you should not bother you.

Discodog · 28-12-2010 6:30pm

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

I think I will keep my anecdotes to myself in future, I mean, how dare I try to be friendly and say hello when these poor women are subjected to the never ending horrors that they have been? How unthoughtful of me.

If every woman here posted, when they have had similar experiences with men, the Board would be full. For heavens sake lighten up & forget it.

This thread has changed totally from Single women on the lookout to Pack/Herd behaviour. We all behave differently when we are in a group to the way that we behave on our own. Social stereotyping makes us wary of the lone wolf - the guy or girl that's out & clearly on their own. So we feel more comfortable "hunting" in packs, or at least with a safety companion & we can easily be over-influenced by the views of the pack.

So you might see someone that attracts you but you cannot make any approach without the "approval" of the pack. If you are very strong willed you might ignore the pack's views but this will be rare because you need to conform. Some members may of been happy with Mussolini's intervention but the "leader" decided to see him off.

If you meet someone, away from your friends - say at work, you get to know them before your friends have any influence. You will choose if or when your friends meet your new partner & by the time they do, they will already know that you are hooked so they are far less likely to be critical.

So really we are at a mixed up stage of evolution. We socialise in groups & use this as a way of finding a mate but when we do find someone we will live with our mate, away from the group. The views of the group play a key part in the courtship but once the decision is made they will go along with it.

The mind boggles as to how many potentially wonderful relationship were killed because a "friend" said no. If the friend had not been there the outcome might of been different & the friends actions may be motivated by all sorts of reasons - even jealousy !.

We need to evolve a kind of automatic Claddagh Ring. Something that tells a stranger that you like them & are single. Oh & wearing them needs to be compulsory - now wouldn't that be fun

.

Maguined · 28-12-2010 6:58pm

Discodog wrote: »

We need to evolve a kind of automatic Claddagh Ring. Something that tells a stranger that you like them & are single. Oh & wearing them needs to be compulsory - now wouldn't that be fun .

Something that tells a stranger you like them and are single? you mean like verbally telling them you like them and are single?

The only problem with the current setup is people already make it far more complicated than it needs to be, with all these subtle body language hints (laughing, smiling, touching hair and all the other stuff people do normally anyway) and then the crappy mind games (dont show you like them, act cool, rules for how soon and often you can call, blah, blah, blah).

Larianne · 28-12-2010 6:59pm

Traffic Light Discos ftw!

Discodog · 28-12-2010 7:04pm

Maguined wrote: »

Something that tells a stranger you like them and are single? you mean like verbally telling them you like them and are single?

The only problem with the current setup is people already make it far more complicated than it needs to be, with all these subtle body language hints (laughing, smiling, touching hair and all the other stuff people do normally anyway) and then the crappy mind games (dont show you like them, act cool, rules for how soon and often you can call, blah, blah, blah).

Ha no I mean a big light bulb like on the Ocean Finance ad

Well the natural body language is very real & hard to fake. We can hardly blame the girls for playing mind games after all men started the whole "Game" thing - even if just as many girls read it as men. But it is a scary thought that both potential lovers have read the books & acting out the ridiculous scenarios with wrong conclusions.

Discodog · 28-12-2010 7:06pm

Larianne wrote: »

Traffic Light Discos ftw!

It has to be simple enough for men to understand

Wolfe Tone · 28-12-2010 7:07pm

For heavens sake lighten up & forget it.

Good advice, tbh I didn't mean to derail the thread into a discussion of my Thursday on the town, truth is I have been down lately and it had a bigger effect than it normally would have.

Discodog · 28-12-2010 7:14pm

Christmas can be like that.

Now regarding the topic. Please feel free to tell me if anyone knows of a Single woman 'on the outlook for a man'

Gosh does that sound as desperate as I meant it too ? !

Maguined · 28-12-2010 7:15pm

Discodog wrote: »

Ha no I mean a big light bulb like on the Ocean Finance ad

Well the natural body language is very real & hard to fake. We can hardly blame the girls for playing mind games after all men started the whole "Game" thing - even if just as many girls read it as men. But it is a scary thought that both potential lovers have read the books & acting out the ridiculous scenarios with wrong conclusions.

I was not blaming women for mind games, both genders are just as guilty for stupid mind games.

I just don't see the fear most people put into just telling someone that you like them, people build up rejection like it will physically cut them. It shouldn't be such a big issue, you tell someone you are interested in them, if they reciprocate then happy days, if not then you are free to move on and find someone that does like you back.

Chin up MUSSOLINI, ignore negative nasty crap stranger say to you, the less time you focus on it the more time you have to focus on the positive good things, so the next time it happens just walk away from the rude people and go find nice people to talk to.

Ickle Magoo · 28-12-2010 7:39pm

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

Good advice, tbh I didn't mean to derail the thread into a discussion of my Thursday on the town, truth is I have been down lately and it had a bigger effect than it normally would have.

I think you have to just draw a line under crap like that and put it down to other people and their issues - and have the confidence that you, your looks and your personality just don't come into it. There is no logical reason for being nasty to someone who is just trying to pass the time of day other than if they have just had a bad experience, they are nasty people or they seriously want left alone - in which case they make lousy company anyway. Keep the faith that there are a whole heap of other people who would love for you to chat to them - and more again who lack the confidence to approach you and say hello.

Believe it or not I'm quite a sensitive soul underneath my teflon exterior (:eek:

) and it took me a long time to stop letting these drama queen/kings bother me, these days I view them in much the same way as I view the bullies at school or the idiot at work; except on a night out you have the benefit of not having to spend another second in their company nor ever see them again. :cool:

Apologies, that started as a chin up and morphed into a pep talk.

Up-n-atom! · 28-12-2010 7:49pm

Fair play to Mussolini, don't think there's anything wrong with approaching randomers on a night out for a friendly chat - I was travelling on my own on a long trip until early summer this year and it's something I did all the time (a case of having to!). I love meeting new people all the time and it's something I really miss being back home - you just don't get the same opportunities to talk to people like that here, and it's far more intimidating here too (since it's not as expected).

I know it's hard for me to chat to people when I'm out, especially with the girls - it's like an unspoken thing that we're all together and it's a girls/group night out and strangers will not be tolerated for very long! You can get around it a bit if there's a good few people out in your group, but if you're only with one or two girlfriends you feel responsible for them and don't want to leave them on their own. Anyways, I wouldn't necessarily be on the look-out for a man when I'm out drinking - especially if it's a club - I'd definitely be up for a laugh, but it's nice to just chat and get to know someone in a non-pressured environment, and there are definitely certain expectations when you talk to someone on a night out - it's not the norm that you've met your new male best friend!

Eve_Dublin · 28-12-2010 8:47pm

Up-n-atom! wrote: »

Fair play to Mussolini, don't think there's anything wrong with approaching randomers on a night out for a friendly chat - I was travelling on my own on a long trip until early summer this year and it's something I did all the time (a case of having to!). I love meeting new people all the time and it's something I really miss being back home - you just don't get the same opportunities to talk to people like that here, and it's far more intimidating here too (since it's not as expected).

I miss it so much and it's such a big issue for me that I'm considering moving continent to place where I found it easy (I can't move back here, obviously).

donfers · 28-12-2010 10:16pm

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I miss it so much and it's such a big issue for me that I'm considering moving continent to place where I found it easy (I can't move back here, obviously).

ummm you can chat to randomers anywhere, it's just that sometimes some people find it easier to do far from home coz they care too much perhaps about what the homebodies think of them but are willing to let the hair down when incognito in some exotic land, I find it understandable but a tad disappointing.............better to just not give a shoite wherever you are and chat to who you like when you like and if somebody doesn't like it then that's their problem

Single women 'on the lookout for a man'

Comments