The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

finnezzia

Big shout out to Phill Babb on the birth of his son, Donnacha

h3000

A brain and a pair of jump leads walk into a bar. The jump leads take a seat and the brain gets the round in, but the bartender refuses to serve the brain.

"How come?" says the brain.

"Well," replies the bartender, "you're out of your head and your mate looks like he's gonna start something."

Craven99

Did you hear about the pervert egg?

He ran down the road with his yolk hanging out.......

longshanks

Whats pink and covered in cobwebs?

Madeline McCanns bike

Funkfield

A man is going to get on a plane with his very special budgie. The budgie can talk, sing and juggle at the same time. The only thing is the budgie needs special attention all the time or he'll stop performing forever. So when the owner tries to board the plane with the budgie the crew stop him and tell him the budgie can't be on the plane. He's very distressed at this news and continues to argue. He eventually convinces the crew to bolt the cage to the wing and for him to have a window seat, it costs him a lot of money to arrange this. He sits at the window playing with the budgie, rubbing the window, blowing kisses and the budgie loves it. Half way through the flight he needs to go to the toilet. There's a nun sitting beside him and he asks her to play with the budgie while he does his business. When the man comes back from the toilet the nun is shaking and apologizing. The man is saying "what happened?" and the nun says "i was sitting here playing with the budgie having a great time and next of all BAM! a yellow brick knocked the whole cage right off the wing"

:cool:
FTW

reap-a-rat

Funkfield wrote: »

A man is going to get on a plane with his very special budgie. The budgie can talk, sing and juggle at the same time. The only thing is the budgie needs special attention all the time or he'll stop performing forever. So when the owner tries to board the plane with the budgie the crew stop him and tell him the budgie can't be on the plane. He's very distressed at this news and continues to argue. He eventually convinces the crew to bolt the cage to the wing and for him to have a window seat, it costs him a lot of money to arrange this. He sits at the window playing with the budgie, rubbing the window, blowing kisses and the budgie loves it. Half way through the flight he needs to go to the toilet. There's a nun sitting beside him and he asks her to play with the budgie while he does his business. When the man comes back from the toilet the nun is shaking and apologizing. The man is saying "what happened?" and the nun says "i was sitting here playing with the budgie having a great time and next of all BAM! a yellow brick knocked the whole cage right off the wing"

:cool:
FTW

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, its all so clear to me now

finnezzia

why did the baker have dirty hands? because he kneaded a poo

kfallon

Little girl walks in on Daddy in the shower, pulls back the curtain:

"Daddy, Daddy what's that?" as she points at his nether regions
"Oh, erm, eh, that's my snake honey!" he replies
Daughter say, "Jaysus he has some cock on him!!!"

:pac:

Same joke but son and Mammy

"Mammy, Mammy what's that?"
"Oh that's where Daddy hit me with the hatchet"
"Jaysus he got you right in the cnut!!!"

irish_goat

Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

livinsane

God said to Moses, "come forth and you will inherit the world".
But he came fifth and won a toaster.

chin_grin

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?






















Christopher Walken.

finnezzia

what happens when there's too much uranium in a church? you have critical mass

Daemos

What do you call a thousand dead lawyers under the sea?

A good start

trashcan

Two cannibals sitting eating a clown. One turns to the other and enquires........."Does this taste funny to you ?"

And my all time favourite

Skanger girl heavily pregnant and about to give birth rings for an ambulance in a panic....

"Help, me waters have broken"
"Ok,calm" down says the switchboard operator " First of all, where are you ringing from ?"........

"From me gee down to me ankles.."

dvpower

Two IRA men walk out of a pub and spot a guy in uniform in the distance.
IRA Man 1: Ceapeann tu go bhfuil an fear san RUC?
IRA Man 2: Ni ceapeann

English Bob

My wife has recently had a facelift.

It didn't work out so well.

They didn't lift it high enough,, I can still see it!!!

Years and years ago (pre internet, mobile phones, Euro etc) their was a virgin 49 year old bachelor dude. This guy had never ever had a girlfriend etc but was a fairly perverted chap, he watched loads of porn etc. He fell upon the idea of heading off somewhere to get himself a prostitute for his 50th birthday party.... after doing his research he reckoned Berlin was the best spot for him. He booked a return flight, currency, hotel etc for his birthday and waited patiently. Time passed and the weekend came, he landed at the airport and got a cab (big beige ole Merc) to the hotel. After checking in he picked up a local paper from the shop, rushed back to the hotel room and went to the personal section. He had learned some basic German and soon found what he was looking for, busty blond in her early 30s with uniforms. He nervously rang the number, she answered, luckily she had good English and she was happy to discuss his requirement, he wanted her to wear stockings, suspenders and a nurses uniform and also wanted to try anal (each to their own), she said this would be no prob, he made an appointment for later that evening and got the address off her.

Few hours later he hopped in a cab (all excited) and gave the driver the address, upon arrival he rang the bell of the apartment number she gave him. She answered and let him in to the building. As he got to the apartment he heard her high heels clicking on the floor, she opened the door, his jaw dropped, gorgeous German blond, busty in a nurses uniform with black stockings visible. He was delighted.

In he went and stripped off, he made full use of his time (bj, sex and anal), giving her an awful rodgering altogether, 50 years of pent up frustration :eek: Afterwards he thanked her repeatedly as he got dressed, she was lying on the bed (feeling a bit worse for wear). She asked did he enjoy himself, oh yes says he :cool: very much so...... there was then a nervous silence, then she said.....................









well, what about the marks ??


The marks he says........................


















Ten out of ten love :pac: :pac:

silliegillie

Whats the Difference between PMS and BSE


One is a Mad Cow Disease, the other infects Cattle.

CarrickMcJoe

Since it started snowing all my wife has done is look through the fcuking window.

If it gets any worse Ill have to let her in!

RoadKillTs

I went to the doctor the last day. He said I was a paranoid racist.

Well he didn't actually say that but I knew that's what he was thinking the black boll*x

DeadSkin

Was clearing out some old emails and came across this gem;

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond.
Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the
lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it!, I'm not ****ing going.'

weldoninhio

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit???

An Egg

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

dvpower wrote: »

Two IRA men walk out of a pub and spot a guy in uniform in the distance.
IRA Man 1: An cheapann tú go bhfuil an fear sin san RUC?
IRA Man 2: Ní cheapaim.

FYP.

bonzodog2

I couldn't choose, so here's a few for you all:





It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Sue.He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh,come on in!" Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in." Have a seat in the living room.Would you like something to drink?Lemonade?Tea?"
" Tea,please", Fred said.Mam brought the tea....
" So,what are you and Sue planning to do tonight?" She asked.
" Oh,probably catch a movie,and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the wimpey bar,maybe take a walk on the beach...."
" Sue likes to screw,you know" Mam informed him.
" Really?" Fred replied;eyebrows rose.
" Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
" Is that so?" asked Fred." Yes" said the mother." As a matter of fact,she'd screw all night if we let her!"
" Well thanks for the tip!"Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later,Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt,and wearing her hair tied in a bouncy ponytail.She greeted Fred.
" Have fun,kids!"The mother said as they left.
Half an hour later,a completely disheveled Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
" The twist,mam!" She angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
" The ****ing dance is called the twist!"








A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said.
"Very good," the teacher replied.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'."

"That was a fine story, Sarah," said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."











Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens
it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the
Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong
man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge
truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is
getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got
the wrong man, I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening
the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You
sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he
picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You
must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"













When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the ****. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

















A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ****ing bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any ****ing bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your ****ing beak to the bar, you irritating bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"










The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival,
you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear,
and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse,
but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers
in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening,
to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than
the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is
again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!"















A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is
with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"

Sitec

Duck says: "Got any nails?".




hahahaha i ****ing love it! Quality of the highest order!:)

Galway K9

whats with the censorship! jesus! the good jokes are blacked out. A least i know the obvious jokes.

take everything

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.



What did batman say to robin to get him in the batmobile?

"Get in the batmobile"


How do you stop a clown from smiling?

Hit it with an axe.


Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.


Edit: one more.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Wheres my tractor??!??

take everything

Couple more.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?


A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.



So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.



A duck walks into a bar...

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.



How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.


Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb.


Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

Sitec

take everything wrote: »

Couple more.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?


A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.



So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.



A duck walks into a bar...

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.



How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.


Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb.


Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

Wow. There bad and not even funny.

Hootanany

I feel sick.............. A strange hobby but i like the texture