The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Pandoras Twist

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and then his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely

Lockstep

Pandoras Twist wrote: »

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and then his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely

An unexpected twist at the end.
Brilliant.

What's better than a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
What's better than a silver medal in the Special Olympics?
Crayons.
=========
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to cook?
The wheelchair.

4zn76tysfajdxp

Jordan and Peter Andre are still fighting each other over custody of Harvey - eventually one of them will lose and have to keep him.

I came up with that myself. I swear.

fred funk }{

My Girlfriend asked me the other day if I ever pissed in the shower, I told her I did sometimes by accident. "By accident" she said. I told her that when I was having a sh1t that sometimes I accidentally pissed too.

Capt'n Midnight

Tiffany Vast Liposuction wrote: »

I came up with that myself. I swear.

Guill

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!"

CrazyFish

I apologize in advance.

Why was Mr kiplings wife so mad with him ?

Because he brings home so many tarts.

saintsaltynuts

Man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor every time i sneeze i get this massive erection".Doctor replies "Have you taken anything for it?" Man replies"Yes Pepper!"

baldymac

you can put a man on the moon

but you cant put a man on susan boyle

Fluorescence

^ The best joke you ever heard? Really? :pac:

howsthehead

baby seal walks into a bar barman says what are you having,
baby seal says anything except a canadian club

Daniel S

Piste wrote: »

venison's deer, isn't it?



(works better spoken)

That's Rowan Atkinson's joke isn't it?

CorkMan

*knock knock*

Occupant: Who's there?

Person: Barack Obama, you own a medium sized business yet have not paid your increased taxes. I'm fleecing you of everything you have, and you best be out of town before dawn.

Occupant: OKilly Doke. *slams door in face and runs up stairs*

*Obama chases*

Obama: Mam I know you are in the toilet, Please Open It.

Occupant: I am going for a crap.

Obama: OK Mam.

*occupant escapes out through the roof*

*Obama makes loves to her 70 year old husband when he comes home*

Johro

CorkMan wrote: »

*knock knock*

Occupant: Who's there?

Person: Barack Obama, you own a medium sized business yet have not paid your increased taxes. I'm fleecing you of everything you have, and you best be out of town before dawn.

Occupant: OKilly Doke. *slams door in face and runs up stairs*

*Obama chases*

Obama: Mam I know you are in the toilet, Please Open It.

Occupant: I am going for a crap.

Obama: OK Mam.

*occupant escapes out through the roof*

*Obama makes loves to her 70 year old husband when he comes home*

Emm... wtf?

EverEvolving

I love self deprecating humour.
















Unfortunately, I'm no good at it.

sdanseo

There was once a fella from Dublin who was seeing a girl from down the country who was up working in the shmoke. One day, the Cailín decides to ask the fella down home to meet the parents. She also suggests that they should consumate their relationship, as until this stage they hadn't, as she was a traditional sort of girl.

So the fella packs up the car, and off they set. On the way, they pull in for petrol, and the guy goes in to pay. Next door is a pharmacy, and the fella decides he better pop in for some condoms, seeing as the first time was gonna be tonight.

On the shelf, there were many different brands, and being a young fella, and still a virgin, the fella wasn't really sure which one to choose. The pharmacist, noticing his confusion, offers his assistance and reccomends durex as the best brand.

"Cheers", says the fella, "it'll be my first time" he adds in a lowered voice. The he spots the larger packs, and says "should I maybe get a bigger pack?"
The pharmacists eyes widen at the prospect of a bigger sale and he says why yes, we do 3, 12's and super size packs of 24."
The fella says ah sure, he better go for the super size pack. "It's our first time, so we're bound to need a bit of practice. I might fúck it up first time or something".

So the couple arrive later on at the parents' house and soon they're sitting down to dinner. The fella greets the parents jovially, but after that as the night wore on, the fella is avoiding talking to the father, and as this becomes evident, the girl takes him aside.

"You seem very nervous about meeting my family", she says, "I never knew you to be nervous!"

The fella replies, "well yeah, but you never told me your father was a pharmacist!"

Galway K9

Johro wrote: »

Emm... wtf?

What was that?

Galway K9

What to knackers and cigarettes have in common?


1) They both smell
2) They both comes in packs of 10's and 20's
3) Thyre both banned in every pub in Ireland

fred funk }{

My wife phoned me up in work ask me for a double entendre. I went home and gave her one.

BengaLover

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench.
A streaker ran by, and one of the old ladies had a stroke.
The other could't quite reach.

Feelgood

Not exactly a joke, but possibly the funniest thing I have read in the last few years, especially if you remember the old Ladybird books :D:D

Ladybird - The Policeman

BengaLover

Ok its more of a one liner.
Those LAdybird books eh, werent they great.. i just read the policeman one, brilliant!

Feelgood

BengaLover wrote: »

Ok its more of a one liner.
Those LAdybird books eh, werent they great.. i just read the policeman one, brilliant!

Benga, I have no idea what you are talking about.

You do know there is a link on my post to an old Ladybird book right?

Johro

Galway K9 wrote: »

What was that?

That's what I thought.

seanbmc

kickoutthejams wrote: »

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to cook?
The wheelchair.

Haha, excellent.

LionelNashe

Condi wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I don't get it?

Poor Uncle Tom

Example of psycological imagery imitating real life......

The main entrance to most every chapel is through the back door.....:p

yesno1234

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust.

JohnnyBananas

amacca wrote: »

sure its been posted already but if not


A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Old McDonald was dyslexic.
I E I O E

(oh shut up, it's funny).

JohnnyBananas

DarkJager wrote: »

A woman is on a beach one day when she sees Gary Glitter.

She turns to him and says "Excuse me but you're in my son".

Gary Glitter's get's home one evening and is confronted by his girlfriend.

Girlfriend: "What's all this in the papers about you being a paedophile???"

Gary: "Paedophile, that's a big word for a 12 year old"