The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Piste

venison's deer, isn't it?



(works better spoken)

bernardo mac

probably heard Spike Milligan's "condoms should be worn on every conceivable occasion"

Einhard

Two gobstoppers are having a drink in a pub, each boasting about how hard he is, and how he could take any mint in the place. One of them saunters up to a humbug and starts pushing him about, giving him stick, and generally being a menace. Anyway, the humbug manages to squirm out of it and return to his table where he's having a few drinks with his unassuming minty mates. The second gobstopper makes his move next and walks over to the same table, startings intimidating and threatening the mints. He slaps the humbug a few times, and laughs as they all cower away from him. As he's swaggering away, chest puffed up, and eyeing all the rest of the terrified patrons, a Halls Soother walks in, and bouth gobstoppers dive under the nearest table, holding each other and quaking in fear. They remain there until the Soother drinks his pint and leaves. Whereupon the barman turns to them, and says that he thought they were hard men. Still shaking, obviously terrified, the bigger gobstopped peers out from under the table and replies...

....

...

...

...

"Are you mad, we're not going near him. Everyone knows he's Menthol!!!"

sorry

Nulty

Tommy White Garden wrote: »

What do you do if you see a fireman??





You put it out man

What do you do if you see a spaceman?




Park in it man

(Please understand its a reflex and I have no control over it)

Lon.C

What did the snail say when he got a piggyback off the turtle?

Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaa!!


Did you hear about the fella who lived in a wheel?

He got a puncture, now he lives in a flat.

RedDevil1878

I had a job in a orange juice factory. But unfortunately i got let go. When i asked why ? The boss told me i couldnt concentrate.

Whats pink and fluffy ? Pink fluff

Whats purple and fluffy ? Pink fluff holding its breath

Whats red and bad for your teeth ? a brick

I woke up today and there was a airplane in my garden. When i asked the pilot why it was there. He said that my landing light was on.

I bought a new tv for a 10er, problem was the sound was stuck on the highest volume level. But still, i couldnt turn it down.

CrinkElite

what's the difference between snow men and snow women?

snow balls.

danniemcq

misslt wrote: »

No no.

Why did Suzy fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms.

Why did Paul fall off the cliff?

I dunno but Suzy didn't push him!

NO NO NO!!!

Why did suzy fall off the swing?

She had no arms.


Why did Johnny fall off the bike

Someone threw a fridge at him


Who threw the fridge at Johnny?

Dunno but it wasn't Suzy


/wonders how many other variations of this are out there

Orando Broom

Why can't the Dutch tell jokes timing.

ButtersStotch

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi.

Susie_Q

ButtersStotch wrote: »

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi.

Why did he leave early?

Because there wasn't mush room.

dagdha

There was a man who had a son but unfortunately when his son was born he had'nt got a body all he was was a head, no legs, no arms, no torso no nothing. The father loved his son anyway and always wanted the best for his son in life and he tried to give him a normal life as much as possible.

The father always brought the son everywhere so when it came to his sons 18th birthday the father says "son it's your 18th birthday today and I've tried my best to give you a normal life but there is one thing that I always wanted to do with you and that is to bring you to the pub and be able to sit with you while you have your first pint of Guinness." The son was over the moon with this so the father picked his sons head up and popped it under his arm and walked down to the pub.

They went up to the counter and the father put his sons head on a stool and he said to the old barman behind the counter "Can I get two pints of Guinness for myself and my son as its his 18th birthday today and I want to celebrate it with him with his first pint of stout". The barman throws up two pints and the father picks one up and holds it to his sons lips and the son takes a big gulp, all of a sudden BANG.. a torso grows out of the head. Everybody in the bar is amazed and the barman shouts "go on give him another sip there" so the father does and BANG.. two arms grow out of the torso. Everybody thinks this is amazing so the father gives his son another sip and BANG.. two legs grow out of the torso, the son jumps up and hugs his father who is in tears of delight, everybody in the bar is cheering that the son actually has a body and can now have a normal life. The son turns to the father and says "dad you are after giving me the best life I could possibly have considering all I was was a head but I really want to go out and experience the world on my own now that I can walk and be a normal member of society". The father agrees and he thinks this is the best thing to ever happen so he tells his son to head out and explore the new world that has opened for him.

The son walks out of the bar followed by everybody who is cheering and shouting and he goes to cross the road then BANG he gets hit by a bus and dies immediately in front of everyone who are completely shocked. The whole place goes silent apart from the barman who looks down at the body tuts and he says:










"He should have quit while he was a head"

neil_hosey

whats the loudest thing in the world?

a skeleton in a biscuit tin ... havin a ****!!

--Kaiser--

This post is brought to you by the letter B.

Bad
What did the Bee say when he returned to the hive? "Honey, Im Home!"

Better
A fellow goes into a cake shop, and says, "I'd like to buy a bee please."
"We don't sell bees." The shopkeeper replied, confused.
"Well, there's one in your window!”

Best
Two bee keepers are conversing. . . And one says, "How many bees have you got?"
And he says, "I've got 10,000 bees.”
He says, "How many hives have you got?"
He says, "I've got 20 hives".
“20 hives; 10,000 bees?"
He says, "Yeah.”

He says, “How may bees have you got?"
He says, “I've got a million bees.”
“A million bees?!"
He says, "Yeah."
He says, "How many hives have you got?"
"One."

"A million bees - one hive?”
He goes, "Yeah, f**k 'em; they're only bees.”

Pace2008

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road, and I'm on my break. ", explains the duck.

The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

Pace2008

Clubbers around Dublin should be wary after hearing about the dyslexic raver at the weekend.

He died after taking a bad F.

Edit: Toxicology reports just came in. Turns out he died trying to shoot up a heron.

Ghandee

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes" answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

bananabig.jpg The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner.

"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it," he asked

"Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

ilovelamp2000

Snow is a lot like my last girlfriend.

They both disappear when you piss on them.

Funkfield

My sperm count is so high my girlfriend has to chew before swallowing.

:cool:

am i bovvered

The best one I've read so far

how many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb?


Spoiler: TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

Knock Knock
who's there
Control Freak...... now you say "control freak who ?"

Nuigforce

Bog wrote: »

So, there’s a man crawling through the desert........

.

Sweet baby jesus

The Floyd p

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name,

"Polo, I'm the one with the hole," she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought, then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge, then he gave her a boost.

It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper.

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who apparently had Allsorts!

no1beemerfan

Whacko goes into A&E covered in blood. Eventually the nurse comes to take a look at him.

"Where are you bleeding from" she asks him.


"I'm bleedin' from tallaght" Whacko replies.

Why don't you prosecute a guy for stealing gates?

He could take defence.

Wagon

Two monkeys were sitting by the fire, one turns to the other and says "oohoh AHH AAHH!!

Other says "put some coal in then"

Nuigforce

snyper wrote: »

that joke got me laid soooo many times...

Great ice breaker

Either you are a massive liar or a ridiculously handsome young man

Voodoomelon

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The Police, it's your husband, i'm afraid he's been in a terrible crash.

rovers2001

What do you call a Judge with no Balls?..........Justice Mickey.

AckwelFoley

Nuigforce wrote: »

Either you are a massive liar or a ridiculously handsome young man

Im neither


But ive a huge penis.

Will I Amnt

The council were around today gritting the roads,the same guy as usual,his name is Gary and he's known locally as Gary gritter,terribly nice chap but for some reason the local Chinese kids get very worried when they here he's in town