The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

round tower huntsman

george bush is sitting in the oval office, an aide runs in 'mr president 3 brazilian soldiers were killed in afghanistan today!'.......george puts his head in his hands 'oh my god.....how many millions is in 3 brazilians':D

keano_afc

Fart wrote: »

I'm in tears, ya bollox. hahaha

Heh heh. Its a good one isn't it? I've only ever been in tears laughing twice in my entire life and one of them was at that joke. Had me in stitches for a very long time.

herisson

what do you call a woman with 1 leg?

Eileen

What do you call a woman with no legs?

Noleen

What do you call a cat with 3 legs?

Kathleen

im going to put these in spoilers might not be everyones cup of tea

What do you call a Chinese baby in a microwave?
PING!

what go you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Taiwann Shue

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?
Irene

sh1tstirrer

>Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, as he often did,
>and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a
>peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man
>standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
>
>"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
>bedroom?"
>
>The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
>
>Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
>too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send
>me back straight away".
>
>St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
>We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
>
>Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
>house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was
>covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't
>so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside
>him.
>
>The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
>are you enjoying your first day here?"
>
>"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside
>like I'm about to explode".
>
>"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
>laid an egg before".
>
>"Never" replies Brian
>
>"Well just relax and let it happen"
>
>And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
>out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
>and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for
>the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness
>was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the
>best thing that ever happened to him ... ever!!!
>
>The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
>felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
>shouting "Brian, wake up you bas*ard, you're sh*tting in the bed"

Shanotheslayer

I remember how stupid I felt the day I found out Santa Claus doesn't exist. I realised how ridiculous the whole concept was and was clearly just a method of blackmailing children to behave themselves all year round.

Anyway, I'm off to church now. I don't want to piss God off or I will go to hell

tommylimerick

this woman in a night club with big jugs
so this farmer walks up to her and says
that s a grand dairy farm you have there
she replies it s not a dairy farm it s a
chicken farm it s raised more cocks than calves

Irish Guitarist

Q. What would you call Postman Pat if he lost his job?
A. Pat.

jkell061

What's not fair?

Hair on a black man's arse!!

flahavaj

Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

Why did the farmer win a prize?


He was outstanding in his field

Have you heard the one about the magic trailer?

It was attached to a magic tractor.:pac:

W123-80's

Two teddy bears in the hotpress.

Which one is in the army.?

The one on the tank....

CarrickMcJoe

Prince Charles is driving through the countryside when he runs over a hedgehog. he stops and gets out to try and save the poor animal but he was in bits.
Just then a genie arrives and says he will grant charlie 1 wish.

Charles, "Please make this little hedgehog better".

Genie, "Impossible to do , hes in pieces".

Charles, "Okay then, My wife Camilla is, well eh, not the most pleasing to the eye, I wish you to make her into a most beautiful woman.

Genie, " Em, Show me that hedgehog again"!

yesno1234

Why don't they sell pharmaceuticals in the rainforest?

Because it would not be financially viable to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest

A man walks into a bar

He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family

admiralofthefleet

just after the queen mother died 2 of the queens corgi dogs are having a chat

one says the the other: 'isnt it sad, the place just doesnt seem the same without her'
the other one says: 'sad, im over the moon, i used to get blamed for pissing on the floor'

talla10

Pat and Joe are sitting in a pub all day and both are locked. Pat tells Joe 'Joe, you're my best friend in the whole world and i love ya to bits'. Joe tells Pat to shut up it's the drink talking but Pat is insistent. 'I swear Joe if i had two million quid i'd give ya a million!If i had two houses i'd give you one!!If i had two cars i'd give you one!'. Joe pipes us ' If ya had two bikes would you give me one?' Pat looks at Joe and replies

'Would you fcuk off Joe you know i have two bikes'

Capt'n Midnight

An old man walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, President Bush is no longer in office. He doesn't live here anymore."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, "Sir, as I said yesterday, President Bush is no longer in office and doesn't live here anymore."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to President Bush. I've told you already that he is no longer in office. He's never coming back. Don't you understand?"

The old veteran answered him, "Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow, sir!"

Chris P. Bacon

Larry Murphy and a woman are walking through a forest late at night,and the woman turns to Larry and says 'jaysus Larry its real scary here at night isn't it',it sure is Larry says and how do you think i feel i have to walk back on me own

PeterIanStaker

Did you hear that they've discovered a new use for sheep in Australia?

Wool

rannerap

In the spirit of our festive weather, how do you know a snow mans been in your bed?

You wake up wet

Coriolanus

What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

I cry when I'm chopping up onions.

bcmf

This big smelly fooker of a farmer wants to join 'The Big Smelly Farmers Society'.
So he gets the application form and part of it says'....How would you Demonstrate that you belong to The Big Smelly Farmers Society?'
So the farmer goes down the local and fills himself up with Guinness and has a double helping of Curry chips on the way home.
Next morning he wakes up and legs it to the jacks and when he is finished he wipes his arse with the application form and thinks 'this should be enough proof for them' and sends it off.
A few weeks later he gets a reply.
The application comes back and has stamped on it 'APPLICATION REJECTED'
and underneath in the reason
'Here at The Big Smelly Farmer's Society we do not wipe our holes'.

Shanotheslayer

I was telling the police officer how local youths threw a milk bottle at me and it just missed me.
He asked, "Skimmed past your face?"
I replied, "No full fat over my shoulder."

1mcampo1

How long do cowboy's go on holiday for?

A yee-hah...

Mars Bar

What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta.

round tower huntsman

two snowmen in a field one turns to the other and says 'can you smell carrots?'

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call someone who thinks they are an opera singer ?

Placebo Domingo

OutlawPete

Door to door salesman knocks at a house.

Little girl of about 10 answers the door, covered in make-up, cigarette hanging out of her mouth, bottle of beer in one hand and wearing just a string bikini.

Shocked Salesman:

"Hi .. are your parents home??"

Girl:

"What the fuck do you think?".

Susie_Q

Did you hear about the half-assed punchline?

I dunno, something about a donkey.

xoxyx

super_furry wrote: »

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

chin_grin wrote: »

Why couldn't she get up?

She had no legs.

Why did nobody help her?




She had no friends.

TimeToShine

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prince :D

strobe

1mcampo1 wrote: »

How long do cowboy's go on holiday for?

A yee-hah...

Where do cowboys bring their rubbish?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump