The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EarlERizer

"It is necessary for our country and our people,The agreed programme represents the best available deal for Ireland.It allows us to move forward with secure funding for our essential public services,for our welfare state,for the most vunerable members of our society that depend on them" - Brian Cowen 28.11.10

Comedy Genius!!

talla10

Have you ever noticed that men leave the toilet seat up?

That is the joke.

falan

talla10 wrote: »

Have you ever noticed that men leave the toilet seat up?

That is the joke.

It's not a joke. It's our God given right;)

Coriolanus

talla10 wrote: »

Have you ever noticed that men leave the toilet seat up?

That is the joke.

I'll start leaving it down if you start leaving it up.

ohnelly

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll give these 2 a lift!!:D

Ghandee

Jeremy Beadle (God rest him) complained to his doctor that his penis was very small, and
he was most unhappy with it.

the doctor replied by telling him to cheer up, as in the other hand it probably wasnt as small as he imagined!:D

--Kaiser--

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A:

.........................The Holocaust

jonnygiles

talla10 wrote: »

Have you ever noticed that men leave the toilet seat up?

That is the joke.

YOU SUCK MCBAIN!!!

kiad

Two Eskimos are sitting together at a fishing hole. One Eskimo looks off into the distance which is just a vast white wasteland and says to the other Eskimo "Bill, what do you suppose is out there? Do you think we even have a purpose on this planet? I just can't help but thinking about why we're even here...". The other Eskimo turns to him and says " ...about half past 4. Oh, and I got your daughter pregnant."

Wazdakka

How did the Tiger get lost?

Because jungle is massive...

Aglomerado

How did the baker get an electric shock?

He stood on a bun and a currant ran up his leg!

PeterIanStaker

Two knackers having sex. What do you call the layer of sweat between them?

Relative humidity

Scientists have found proof that evolution is, in fact, reversible.

Its called the Jeremy Kyle show

kiad

What's the capital of South Korea?






























About three dollars.

Sitec

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult

ilovelamp2000

Sitec wrote: »

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult

I thought that punchline was "If you didn't like it while you were a kid you'll hate when you're an adult" ?

robbie_998

How many alzheimer's does it take to change a lightbulb ?

To get to the other side !

Diapason

What's red and can't turn around in a hallway?

A baby with a spear through its stomach.

What's red and bumps into things?

A baby with forks in its eyes.

What's the difference between babies and bowling balls?

You can use a pitchfork to unload a truckload of babies.

And in the spirit of the non-jokes above, I give you Gentile jokes:

A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine
jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's €500." The Gentile
says, "OK, I'll take it."

Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own
business, don't you? How's it going?" The other Gentile says "Just
great! Thanks for asking!"

Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about
children. Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction
worker!" Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck
driver!"

A Gentile man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're
expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come
up and I can't make it." His mother says, "OK."

A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks, "Mom, how are you
feeling? Do you need anything?" She says, "I feel fine, and I don't
need anything. Thanks for calling."

A Gentile woman meets an old Gentile friend. The friend asks "How is
your son getting along?" The Gentile woman says: "He's just fine. He
just turned 35." "And where does he live?" asks the friend. "He lives
at home with me. I don't think he'll ever get married." The friend
says, "How nice."

weiland79

Two cows standing in a field.
One says ' Moo '

The other say's...
'I was going to say that'

And.

Did you hear about the magic cow?

He walked down the lane and turned into a field.

Basq

One cold and dark snowy night, not unlike tonight, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetary.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.

He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.

The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!

Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster - BUMPITY, BUMPITY, BUMPITY!

The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin. SMASH! - the axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him.

The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display. He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs - BUMP, CLOMP, BUMP, CLOMP!

The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin Banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward.

In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.

The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.

admiralofthefleet

robbie_998 wrote: »

How many alzheimer's does it take to change a lightbulb ?

To get to the other side !

whats the best thing about alzheimer's?


you meet new people every day

Greyfox

How do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers?

They can wash their crack and use it again

Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out of the knickers

An old womwn walks into a sex shop and asks ddoo yyouss ssell ddildoos?

The shop assistant says "Yes, we have a large selection of them just over their"

The old women says ddoo yyous ssell pinkk oness 8 inchess llong and 2 inches tthick?

The shop assistant says "Yes we do"

The old woman says

"Do yyouu kknoww howw tttoo ttturn tthe fffu**ingg tthing off"

CorsetIsTight

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb...?

Two.



(The difficult bit is getting them into the lightbulb in the first place.)

Mackman

Whats dangerous and lives in a tree?

A monkey with a machine gun

pow wow

Why is sex like fried chicken?

Because once you're done with the breasts and legs all you're left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.

muff03

Two cows in a field.
One turns to the other and says 'so, are ya worried about this mad cow disease?'
The other replies "Worried? Not at all, shur I'm a horse!"

bonerm

A dove friend of mind is quite partial to Indian food. His favourite meal is a vindacoo.

/awaits applause.

--Kaiser--

So a nun is standing naked in her house in the countryside. she is ironing her clothes when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. Feeling uncomfortable due to her lack of clothes she hesitantly asks:
"Eh, who is it?"
a man responds " It's the Blind Man from the village".
The nun thinks to herself, sure he's blind he'll never notice I'm naked?? She opens the door and the man says:

" Woooo, nice tits, now where do you want these BLINDS!"

Funkfield

A young man is given a yellow brick by his dying grandfather. The grandfather tells him it's a special brick and not to ever sell it or give it away or to ever bounce it from a high building, it's a bouncing brick. The man didn't believe him but sure enough the brick bounced and was wonderful. He loved his yellow brick and carried it everywhere. One day a billionaire came to him and said that he wanted the yellow brick and the man wouldn't sell it. Eventually the billionaire offered an amount of money the man couldn't refuse. He passed on the same warning of not bouncing the brick from a height. The bricks new owner was delighted and the first thing he did with his new brick was to go to the top of the tallest building and threw it at the ground as hard as he could and the brick whizzed up into the air, never to be seen again.

Smcgie

Funkfield wrote: »

A young man is given a yellow brick by his dying grandfather. The grandfather tells him it's a special brick and not to ever sell it or give it away or to ever bounce it from a high building, it's a bouncing brick. The man didn't believe him but sure enough the brick bounced and was wonderful. He loved his yellow brick and carried it everywhere. One day a billionaire came to him and said that he wanted the yellow brick and the man wouldn't sell it. Eventually the billionaire offered an amount of money the man couldn't refuse. He passed on the same warning of not bouncing the brick from a height. The bricks new owner was delighted and the first thing he did with his new brick was to go to the top of the tallest building and threw it at the ground as hard as he could and the brick whizzed up into the air, never to be seen again.

Wtf?

alwaysadub

Smcgie wrote: »

Wtf?

Thank you-thought i was missing something!