The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

link_2007

I am sure this has probably been posted (I only started reading about 10 pages ago and I am not trawling through the rest of the thread to look for it) but in case it hasn't or a few people missed it, here is one of my favourite ever jokes:

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever
sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of
their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

"Because he's a ****ing liar. He didn't do any of that ****."

duiggers

What type of key opens every kind of lock?


A pikey!

newport2

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare, "it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Odlums, isn't it ?"

newport2

I was in a bar last night with my wife and, towards the end of the evening, I said "I love you very much".

She said "Is that you or the beer talking?".

I said "It's me. Talking to the beer."

newport2

Text to mates:

R u free in June/July? u'll never believe it. I've just won a trip 2 the European Cup Finals on 98fm. It's 4 me & 3 mates, 4 wks all inclusive in Poland/Ukraine with €5000 spending money. Flights leave from dublin 10th June so let me know if you're free as I need someone to put my wheelie bin out for me.

eugeneious

Dwarf shortage.

Stationary shop moves.

Venison's dear isn't it?

Larbre34

"WHAT DO WE WANT??!!"

"A CURE FOR TOURETTES!!!!!"

"WHEN DO WE WANT IT??!!!!!"

"C**T!!!!"

luckyfrank

A man wakes up after a night out finds himself in a strange room, he looks out the window and see kids on horses and car tyre's burning, he looks at the bird next to him and says ' you told me you were a nurse' NO !! she says ' i said i was a ward sister '

McChubbin

This one is a little nerdy but it always makes me giggle.

How many theoretical physists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two- one to hold the bulb, the other to rotate the universe!

*weezy giggle*

Farmer walks into a chemists;

Farmer: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Farmer: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

Adam anto

This dyslexic walks into a bra..

Adam anto

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre..

So the barman gives her one..

policarp

My new Thai girlfriend says that a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship.


Still wish she hadn't got one though. . .

Osmosis Jones

whats sad about 4 black men driving off a cliff in a cadillac?

they were my friends

Curly Judge

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St.. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognisedArthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers,more men are riding my invention than yours'..



=

J Cheever Loophole

McChubbin wrote: »

This one is a little nerdy but it always makes me giggle.

How many theoretical physists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two- one to hold the bulb, the other to rotate the universe!

*weezy giggle*

I think I can out-nerd you.

Openng day of term - Philosophy lecturer walks in to greet his first year students.

Lecturer - "Good morning - before we start - has anyone here ever done Philosophy before?"

Student at front - "Can you define the term, here?"

Lecturer - "Has anyone else done philosophy before?"









Apologies all.....:o

haminka

An ol' wan thinks she'll die soon so she starts arranging her funeral. When asked what she wants to have on her headstone she says : Well son, let's make it : I was born a virgin, lived as a virgin and died as a virgin.
Well, that's quite long, says yer man, that will be very expensive.
Oh, says the woman, can you think of something shorter?
How about : returned unused?

danniemcq

Cheer us up? with a joke about death?

thanks OP the clouds are rolling in around me now

OldGoat

Thread requires something cheery.

Standard Toaster

haminka wrote: »

An ol' wan thinks she'll die soon so she starts arranging her funeral. When asked what she wants to have on her headstone she says : Well son, let's make it : I was born a virgin, lived as a virgin and died as a virgin.
Well, that's quite long, says yer man, that will be very expensive.
Oh, says the woman, can you think of something shorter?
How about : returned unused?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIIuR-HjFho

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

Crooked Jack

RVP 11 wrote: »

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalottapuss

mirwillbeback

Fella goes to Doc, says " I think I have severe premature ejaculation "

Dr says " that's a C**T "

Patient - " aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh "

MajesticDonkey

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.

--

On Billy's 4th birthday, he asked his father if he could get a tricycle as a present. His father answered, "not until the new tractor is paid for".

On Billy's 7th birthday, he wanted a bike, which he again asked his father for. His father said, "not until the new tractor's paid for".

A few years later for Billy's 13th birthday, he asked his dad if he could get a scooter for this birthday. Not surprisingly, his father replied, "not until the new tractor's paid for".
The day after, Billy came out the door only to hear and cock crowing loudly in the shed. He went out to look and saw the cock up on top of a hen. Billy picked up a stone and threw it at the cock. His father came running over when he heard the thud and wanted to know what happened. Billy shouted, "No one is riding anything until that new tractor is paid for!"

castletownman

"Say hello to my little friend"

Great movie quote.

Poor bedroom talk.

castletownman

.

tayto lover

A man hires a hitman to kill his wife. He meets the hitman and asks him how he will get rid of the nagging wife. The hitman says " I will hide in a tree behind your house and when she comes out into the garden I will shoot her through each breast" The man says "FFS I want her dead, not kneecapped".

bacon?

Standard Toaster wrote: »

Upgrade to RealPlayer Plus 15 for only $49.99

ha ha, class

MadameGascar

What do you call a Muslim with a piece of pork on his head?

Mohamhead

Comer1

MadameGascar wrote: »

What do you call a Muslim with a piece of pork on his head?

Mohamhead

What do you call a muslim with a piece of pork on his head and using a vibrater?




Shake Mohamhead