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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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    #2552
    castletownman
    Registered Users Posts: 11,115 ✭✭✭✭castletownman


    Apparently Canadian rapper Drake had a panic attack when his drink got spiked with ectasy.

    E= MC scared


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    #2553
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Kippure wrote: »
    I was in the pub on Sat night and noticed 2 large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so i said 'hi, are you 2 girls from Scotland?' One of them chirped 'it's WALES you ****ing idiot!!' So i immediately apologised and said 'Sorry, are you 2 Whales from Scotland?

    Not a joke really but a true story...

    In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire
    lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub called
    The Cock Inn.

    Her postal address is:

    Linda Lykes
    The Cock Inn
    ERBUM,
    Tillet
    Herts.

    Now, try reading the complete address without any pause!
    Herts is pronounced hearts! ;)

    :pac:


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    #2554
    Kev_2012
    Closed Accounts Posts: 976 ✭✭✭Kev_2012


    Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.


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    #2555
    J Cheever Loophole
    Registered Users Posts: 967 ✭✭✭J Cheever Loophole


    Fella walks into a hardware store and asks for two bottles of white spirits. The shopkeeper is about to get them, when something makes him stop. He recognises the customer,

    "I know you - you're that fella I've seen walking the streets - a down and out alcoholic. You want these bottles to drink!! Sorry, but you're not getting them!"

    The customer pleads that it is a case of mistaken identity, but eventually has to come clean.

    "Look - I'll level with you. It was me you seen. But I've quit the drinking, I'm trying to get back on my feet, and the wife has taken me back in. To keep her sweet, I've said I'll paint the living room for her - hence why I need the white spirits."

    The shopkeeper looks doubtful, but as the customer pleads, he eventually relents.

    He reaches up on to the shelf to lift two bottles of white spirits down when the customer says,
    "You don't have any in the cooler?"


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    #2556
    Michael CG
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Michael CG


    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
    "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
    The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
    The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
    There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
    The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."


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    #2557
    af_thefragile
    Registered Users Posts: 7,171 ✭✭✭af_thefragile


    What did the owl say to to the squirrel?

    Nothing, owls don't speak.
    The owl then ate the squirrel because its a bird of prey.


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    #2558
    flutterflye
    Registered Users Posts: 3,538 ✭✭✭flutterflye


    af_thefragile wrote: »
    What did the own say to to the squirrel?

    Nothing, owls don't speak.
    The owl then ate the squirrel because its a bird of prey.

    That might have been better if that said "owl" instead of "own"!
    Instead, it just confused me!


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    #2559
    af_thefragile
    Registered Users Posts: 7,171 ✭✭✭af_thefragile


    flutterflye wrote: »
    That might have been better if that said "owl" instead of "own"!
    Instead, it just confused me!

    Fixed!

    Another one.

    Man in bar finds out the lock to the toilet door is broken.
    He complains to the bar man about the broken lock.
    Bar man replies "never heard of anyone trying to steal a sh*t before..."


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    #2560
    newport2
    Registered Users Posts: 2,583 ✭✭✭newport2


    Two prawns were swimming around in the tropical sea. One was called Justin and the other called Christian.
    They were always being threatened by the sharks that patrolled the area.
    One day, during a storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten."
    Just at that moment, a huge flash of lightning hit the water above them and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

    Time went by and Justin found himself bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates swam away whenever he came close to them. He didn't realise that it was his menacing appearance which was the cause of his sad plight.
    The next time there was a storm, Justin wondered if that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn.
    Whilst he was deep in thought about being a prawn once more, another flash of lightning struck the water above him and, lo and behold, he turned back into prawn.
    With tears of joy in his eyes, Justin swam back to all his old friends.
    Looking around the gathering that greeted him, he searched for his old best friend. "Where's Christian?" he asked the others.
    "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides and became a shark", was the reply.
    Eager to put things right again with his friend, Justin set off to Christian's house. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
    Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
    Justin shouted back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
    "I'm a prawn again Christian."


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    #2561
    af_thefragile
    Registered Users Posts: 7,171 ✭✭✭af_thefragile


    Why didn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

    Because he was far out man...


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    #2562
    newport2
    Registered Users Posts: 2,583 ✭✭✭newport2


    Q: What's Elton John's favourite shop?

    A: Brown Thomas


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    #2563
    Ledger
    Registered Users Posts: 1,459 ✭✭✭Ledger


    newport2 wrote: »
    Long ass men and women "Joke"

    Give me my time back!! What a waste of time.


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    #2564
    eamonnq
    Registered Users Posts: 4,009 ✭✭✭eamonnq


    newport2 wrote: »
    "I'm a prawn again Christian."

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=717468

    9 years ago ??? Knew I read it somewhere before!!


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    #2565
    newport2
    Registered Users Posts: 2,583 ✭✭✭newport2


    eamonnq wrote: »
    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=717468

    9 years ago ??? Knew I read it somewhere before!!

    You remembered it after 9 years??? Didn't even know boards.ie was around that long


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    #2566
    eamonnq
    Registered Users Posts: 4,009 ✭✭✭eamonnq


    newport2 wrote: »
    You remembered it after 9 years??? Didn't even know boards.ie was around that long

    I posted it on this thread a while back, but couldn't find my own post!! Searched for it and found the one from 9 years ago. Still one of my favourites though!!


    A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
    The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
    The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"


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    #2567
    eamonnq
    Registered Users Posts: 4,009 ✭✭✭eamonnq


    An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
    The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
    The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
    When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
    "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
    Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
    "After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."


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    #2568
    barone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,224 ✭✭✭barone


    A parrot swallows a viagra, tablet. His owner disgusted. Puts him in the freezer to cool off.

    Later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating."how come ur sweating?"he asks.


    the parrot replies. Do you know how ****ing hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken.......


  • Options
    #2569
    barone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,224 ✭✭✭barone


    A parrot swallows a viagra, tablet. His owner disgusted. Puts him in the freezer to cool off.

    Later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating."how come ur sweating?"he asks.


    the parrot replies. Do you know how ****ing hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken.......


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    #2570
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    barone wrote: »
    A parrot swallows a viagra, tablet. His owner disgusted. Puts him in the freezer to cool off.

    Later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating."how come ur sweating?"he asks.


    the parrot replies. Do you know how ****ing hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken.......
    barone wrote: »
    A parrot swallows a viagra, tablet. His owner disgusted. Puts him in the freezer to cool off.

    Later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating."how come ur sweating?"he asks.


    the parrot replies. Do you know how ****ing hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken.......
    So good he had to say it twice.;)


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    #2571
    mauzo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,033 ✭✭✭mauzo


    I was on the luas last week and saw an Indian girl asleep.
    She had this funny little red dot on her forehead...





    She must have been on standby


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    #2572
    Snickers Man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,301 ✭✭✭Snickers Man


    I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday.
    I swear: Never again!


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    #2573
    mr.jingle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,404 ✭✭✭mr.jingle


    Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls


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    #2574
    Sam Vimes
    Registered Users Posts: 21,611 ✭✭✭✭Sam Vimes


    Not exactly a joke, just something funny I saw on twitter today:

    The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't hygiene, it's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.


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    #2575
    General Relativity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 683 ✭✭✭General Relativity


    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar..... What a fine example of an intergrated community.


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    #2576
    Standard Toaster
    Registered Users Posts: 10,257 ✭✭✭✭Standard Toaster


    Upgrade to RealPlayer Plus 15 for only $49.99


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    #2577
    Anyone
    Registered Users Posts: 3,376 ✭✭✭Anyone


    My wife asked me if I had any fantasies..
    I said, "I've got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met..."
    She said, "What, and you pick me up in some bar?"

    I said, "No... Just the first bit."


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    #2578
    Kippure
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,186 ✭✭✭Kippure


    I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'


    I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.


    The mother-in-law went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.


    I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.


    I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.


    My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.



    My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.


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    #2579
    Pace2008
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,587 ✭✭✭Pace2008


    As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

    His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

    He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost!

    You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

    All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

    Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

    Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

    With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

    "That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

    "No problem", said Joe

    "I'm an ex-tractor fan"


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    #2580
    Kippure
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,186 ✭✭✭Kippure


    Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked... "Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'?. "No" he replied "that was Gary Glitter".



    :D


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    #2581
    newport2
    Registered Users Posts: 2,583 ✭✭✭newport2


    Two Pakistani women walking down one of the main streets in Israel. One says to the other "Does my bomb look big in this?"


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