The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Kippure

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.


Broken pencils are pointless.


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.


Velcro - what a rip off !


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner again ? Oh deer !

flutterflye

I made up one earlier (well I'm sure it's been done before, but I thought it up all by myself!)

My son said "I've finished my lunch, can I have a doughnut?"
I replied "Ask daddy - I dough not know"

Geddit?! god I'm hilarious.
Meh, fine, don't laugh then. Whatever.

El Inho

what ya call a spaniard who had their car stolen...

Carlos

elnino35

A woman comes rushing into her husband in floods of tears after returning from the doctors.
Hubby: " whats wrong honey, why are you crying? Did the doc give you bad news?"
Wife: " No, the sick pervert told me I had a lovely fanny"
Hubby: " What!!!!..I'll kill the bastard"
So hubby steams into the doctors surgery and proceeds to kick the crap out of the Doc.
Doctor, blood everywhere, asks, "what the hell was that for?"
Hubby screams " you told my wife earlier that she had a lovely fanny, you sick pervert"

Doctor: " No, I said she had acute angina "
:pac:

pappyodaniel

A man walks into a fast-food outlet. He looks up at the menu and sees:

Cheeseburger €3.50
Chips €1.50
Hotdog €2.00
Handjob €10.00

Behind the counter stood 3 sexy girls. The man then gets the attention of one of them. She approaches him and asks -
"Can I help you?"

"I was wondering..." he said,
"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"I certainly am" she purred

"Well wash your hands..." he replied, "because I want 2 cheeseburgers!"

CarrickMcJoe

Guy goes into tattoo artist and says,"I want a tattoo on my penis, any idea's"?

"What about a dagger"?

"Have one on my arm" he replies.

A Snake?

"On me leg",

An eagle then?

"On my back".

"Where are you from"? Asked the artist.

"Keady " came the reply.

"I could write that on it".

"Go for it" says the guy.

Artist sets about tattooing and just manages to squeeze the letters in.
Guy heads to the pub later and while in the toilet happens to notice the man next to him has the letters D and Y at the tip of his cock.

"Eh, Are you from Keady yourself"? he asks.

Man looks at him and says, "No, Newtownmountkennedy"!

loremolis

China is preparing to send their first woman into space. Women's rights groups called it a triumph for feminism over communism until they were told she doesn't want to go.

newport2

If a man speaks in the forrest and there is no woman there to hear, is he still wrong?

kfallon

Rumours today that UEFA are to hand Wayne Rooney a long ban after he tested positive during Euro 2012 for a Performance Enhancing Rug....

I'll get me coat

TheChevron

kfallon wrote: »

Rumours today that UEFA are to hand Wayne Rooney a long ban after he tested positive during Euro 2012 for a Performance Enhancing Rug....

I'll get me coat

Leave now....without your coat.

kfallon

TheChevron wrote: »

Leave now....without your coat.

Fook off, that coat cost me a few quid :pac:

Kev_2012

What does a nosey pepper do?

Get's jalapeño business.

kfallon

The wife just said, "Can you explain to me why I've found a pair of women's underwear in your coat pocket???"

"Yes I can my dear", I said to her, "it's because you are a nosey cunt!!!!"

barone

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

policarp

When the wife and I go out for a walk, I always hold her hand, 'cause if I don't she heads straight for the shops. . .

CarrickMcJoe

Just been to Tesco's with the wife, and out of the blue. she says to me,"you're one lazy ba5tard".

Well, I nearly fell out of the trolley........

castletownman

You'll never see a church with free Wi-Fi. I guess it's because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

zztop

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Republic
of Ireland soccer team , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
beating anyone.

Curly Judge

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful,
and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and
screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear
of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped....
Then he spoke...
"Iron this will you? -- and then get me a beer."

Pandora2

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he
said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for
your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
****, We're screwed!'

Little Hodaiki said quietly, ‘Ally McCoist, 2012.'

MetalDog

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

Next thing, a cat walks out in front of them.

"How about having sex with that cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"

To which he replied, "Meow!"

policarp

I've recently realised that I'm spending a lot of money on alcohol.

I think I'm turning into a shopaholic. . .

UserName 217

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and Paddy Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

Paddy Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Paddy Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "Haggis again. If I get a haggis sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day Paddy Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

Paddy Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.

Paddy Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral Paddy Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!

Paddy Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."

Everyone turned and stared at Paddy Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch"

gozunda

Awwww the Ulster Bank Thread is closed!!!! whaaaaa...
It deserves its own Thread!!!

Anyway here is an Ulster Bank Limerick

There was an Irish bank called Ulster
which did not make suffucient muster
As there was no money in its bank
All the staff were less than frank
Its customers went away in a fluster

policarp

Paddy got his sleeping tablets mixed up with his Viagra.

He went to bed and had forty w@nks. . .

Mance Rayder

Why would the lifeguard not rescue the hippy?

Because he was too far out man.

Goafer

Funkfield wrote: »

A man is going to get on a plane with his very special budgie. The budgie can talk, sing and juggle at the same time. The only thing is the budgie needs special attention all the time or he'll stop performing forever. So when the owner tries to board the plane with the budgie the crew stop him and tell him the budgie can't be on the plane. He's very distressed at this news and continues to argue. He eventually convinces the crew to bolt the cage to the wing and for him to have a window seat, it costs him a lot of money to arrange this. He sits at the window playing with the budgie, rubbing the window, blowing kisses and the budgie loves it. Half way through the flight he needs to go to the toilet. There's a nun sitting beside him and he asks her to play with the budgie while he does his business. When the man comes back from the toilet the nun is shaking and apologizing. The man is saying "what happened?" and the nun says "i was sitting here playing with the budgie having a great time and next of all BAM! a yellow brick knocked the whole cage right off the wing"

:cool:
FTW

Someone PLEASE explain this to me

TheChevron

There's a first part to go with it.

Still ****e.

Funkfield wrote: »

A young man is given a yellow brick by his dying grandfather. The grandfather tells him it's a special brick and not to ever sell it or give it away or to ever bounce it from a high building, it's a bouncing brick. The man didn't believe him but sure enough the brick bounced and was wonderful. He loved his yellow brick and carried it everywhere. One day a billionaire came to him and said that he wanted the yellow brick and the man wouldn't sell it. Eventually the billionaire offered an amount of money the man couldn't refuse. He passed on the same warning of not bouncing the brick from a height. The bricks new owner was delighted and the first thing he did with his new brick was to go to the top of the tallest building and threw it at the ground as hard as he could and the brick whizzed up into the air, never to be seen again.

newport2

policarp wrote: »

Paddy got his sleeping tablets mixed up with his Viagra.

He went to bed and had forty w@nks. . .

Hear they've just released the female version of Viagra? Guess what they called it?

Niagra

Anyone

Was woken yesterday morning by the noise of my neighbours mowing the lawn. had a really bad hangover as well, so I just thought "feck it, he can mow around me I aint moving"