The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

bUILDERtHEbOB

Why did Jonny fall off his bike?

Someone threw a fridge at him.

Cantona's Collars

How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge?

There's footprints in the butter.

Balfie

Parachute For Sale.
One Owner, Used once.
Never Opened.
Blood Stained.

Setun

Here's my mediocre joke to add to the pile

Garda Murphy was out on the beat on a quiet Tuesday afternoon when he bumped into the local aul fella, curiously wandering down the road with a box on a leash. Garda Murphy decided to humour the man:

"Beautiful dog you have there. What's his name?"
"It's not a dog, it's a box", the aul fella replied sharply.
"Oh, ok then. Sorry, eh, sorry for disturbing you then." The Garda walked off and went on his business. The aul fella turned to the box and said:

"Haha, we fooled him that time, didn't we Rover?"

deco nate

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's buying a large bag of Purina dog
food for my Aunts Springer Spaniel and was in the checkout queue
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

skyhighflyer

So a guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating."

And the guy's like, "What, why?"

The doctor replies, "So I can examine you."

skyhighflyer

How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Fago!

what's the difference between "a Kangaroo" and "a Kangaroot"?

One is a marsupial, the other is what someone from Newcastle would say if they were stuck in a bathroom cubicle!

shelwrex

What's the difference between Fairy and the IMF?

Fairy is 50% tougher on Greece.;)

TheBunk1

My motto is "never say never."

Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

EverEvolving

Who is the smartest guy in the army?

General Knowledge

______________________________________________________


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

______________________________________________________

A monastery decided to start a fish and chip shop. When it opened, a customer comes in and asks one of the clerics: Are you the fish fryer? No, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!

:pac: :pac: :pac:

Boxfresh

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Not Madeline Mc Cann

michael999999

little johnnie jumps on a bus and sits right behind the driver.johnnie starts singing at the top of hes voice"if my mommy was a cow and my daddy was a bull then id be a calf...if my mammy was a ewe and my daddy was a ram then id be a lamb...if my mammy was a mare and my dad a stallion then id be a foal...if my mammy was a sow and my daddy was a boar then id be a piglet..." the bus driver was getting fed up and said to johnnie "if your mammy was a f****ing prostitute and your daddy was a f***ing w*****r,what would you be?johnnie replied without a blink "id be a f****ing bus driver!"


im sick and tired of getting e mails and phone calls since my dog savaged a nakaar to death...for the last f***ing time HES NOT FOR SALE!!

flahavaj

Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

UpCork

flahavaj wrote: »

Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

]That is my favourite joke ever!

Turtyturd

Two fish in a tank...one turns to the other and says how do you drive this thing?

Ectoplasm

One that makes me laugh

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
Nuns in Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
And answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
Of Europe ?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
Glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
Anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my
Son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
Pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
Chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

DublinWriter

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

Fart

mfceiling wrote: »

Why do elephants have 4 feet......................................cause they'd look silly with 6 inches

haha, love it.

rannerap

whats white and blued and if it falls out of a tree it could kill you?

A fridge wearing a denim jacket

EverEvolving

flahavaj wrote: »

Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

Why did the farmer win a prize?

He was outstanding in his field

The Joc

Black man walks into bar with a parrot on his shoulder,Bar man says 'Jesus where did yea get dat'. The parrot replies 'Africa ders thousands of the bastards dere'.

Fart

Fianna Fail: Putting the N in Cuts!

Blazer

Care of sickapedia...some of the finest jokes around

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

I've got a real problem. You know those women you'd give anything for, but you know you can't have? Well, i've got it really bad for one right now. Worse thing is, she knows i'm into her and that just turns her on more. I can't stop thinking about her. But i know, I KNOW it'll only end in tears. So I told myself the next time i saw her i was gonna resist.

Nice idea.

God, she was all over me as soon as I stepped in the door, kissing and touching me. Then she suddenly cools off with no warning. A total cock tease. She's always dressed immaculately, and today was no different. She was wearing this breezy little floral number, down to just below her knees; minimum jewellery - just a bracelet and a simple necklace. Real classy.

We talked for a bit, and she made us some lunch. Then, as she was clearing away she "accidentally" dropped a knife. **** me, she bent down SO SLOWLY, letting out the sexiest little groan you ever heard. As I was sitting there in the chair, taking in the view, all I could think was:

"****...if you weren't my grandmother you would be in SERIOUS TROUBLE right now."

keano_afc

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old
lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've
always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will
change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he
thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the
road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse
named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the
nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts
up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to
the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters,
when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of
champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and
says,
"Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our
lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the
pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so
he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous
sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is
strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being
well and truly tested.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I
am.
But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't
like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please
you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone,
then please scratch off my caste mark."
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans
back and starts laughing his ass off.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've
just won a car!"

PARKHEAD67

The Rangers board have decided to change sponsorship from Tennants to Tampax immediately. Its a good change since the club has been going through an awful bad period.:eek:

PARKHEAD67

What does a rangers fan do after watching rangers beat barca in the champions league?
Turns off his playstation.:D (Ill get my coat):o.

mobby

some great laughs here.

my poor efforts below,

What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy.

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

- Quattro Sink-o

and ....
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my damn ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

Spunge

bUILDERtHEbOB wrote: »

Why did Jonny fall off his bike?

Someone threw a fridge at him.

man i remember hearing that when i was a kid,

lol'd so hard.

Fart

keano_afc wrote: »

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old
lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've
always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will
change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he
thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the
road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse
named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the
nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts
up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to
the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters,
when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of
champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and
says,
"Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our
lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the
pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so
he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous
sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is
strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being
well and truly tested.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I
am.
But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't
like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please
you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone,
then please scratch off my caste mark."
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans
back and starts laughing his ass off.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've
just won a car!"

I'm in tears, ya bollox. hahaha