The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

DunnoKidz

When attacked by a mob of clowns






go for the juggler

fcastle

A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with George Clooney for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied "That's my boy."

Big Boots Off

I tried my hand at a round of golf the other day for the first time, but only hit two good balls all day and that was when I stood on a rake.

valoren

Why can't you get any pain relief tablets in the rain forest?

Because the parrots eat 'em all.

MonkieSocks

Looks like Britain's new Government will be sending to Brussels for talks about exit deal, the Conservative and Unionist Negotiating Team.

I hope they come up with an appropriate acronym :P

tfitzgerald

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Looks like Britain's new Government will be sending to Brussels for talks about exit deal, the Conservative and Unionist Negotiating Team.

I hope they come up with an appropriate acronym :P

Very good if you don't mind I'll use that😀😀😀

fcastle

A bus full of chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one chav asked the blonde serving them, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

Beyondgone

https://www.facebook.com/MeanwhileinIrelandOFFICIAL/videos/814031315438306/

Mena Mitty

tayto lover wrote: »

Saw a sad looking man driving a recovery truck.
I thought "that man's heading for a break-down".

Hope this poor man is on the road to recovery.

Panthro

Be awful funny if you could craft a woman out of wood....wooden tit?!

Erik Shin

Panthro wrote: »

Be awful funny if you could craft a woman out of wood....wooden tit?!

Just as long as she doesn't have a cardboard box we're grand !

fcastle

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

xlogo

You know you're getting old when:
Watching Babe Station. A gorgeous girl in a skimpy little French maid's outfit pushing a Hoover around bending over provocatively.
And all you think is, "We used to have a Hoover like that one."

xlogo

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

frag420

xlogo wrote: »

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Or grumpy...

I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

xlogo

*TRAFFIC NEWS*

A lorry load of Vicks VapoRub has crashed and overturned on the M50

Police are saying that there will be no congestion for at least twenty four hours

bonzodog2

xlogo wrote: »

*TRAFFIC NEWS*

A lorry load of Vicks VapoRub has crashed and overturned on the M50

Police are saying that there will be no congestion for at least twenty four hours

xlogo wrote: »

*TRAFFIC NEWS*

A lorry load of Vicks VapoRub has crashed and overturned on the M50

Police are saying that there will be no congestion for at least twenty four hours

Go on, rub it in why don't you :rolleyes:

GB FAN GALWAY 30

Four Nuns die in an accident and arrive at the gates of heaven. Peter starts the interview process and says to the first nun, "Have you ever sinned?" "I saw a penis once" said the nun. "Thats ok" said Peter, "Just go over there and wash your eyes with holy water and walk right in"
Addressing the second nun Peter asked "Have you ever sinned?" Thinking carefully she answered slowly, "I once touched a penis" "Thats okay" said Peter "Go over there and wash your hands and walk right in"
Suddenly a major row broke out with the third and fourth nun jostling for the next position. "Calm down" said Peter. "Whats the sudden hurry?" Smiling the fourth nun answered quickly "If its ok with you Peter, I'd rather gargle it before she sits in it"

Capt'n Midnight

xlogo wrote: »

*TRAFFIC NEWS*

A lorry load of Vicks VapoRub has crashed and overturned on the M50

That's just menthol :eek:

dilallio

Good session in the gym today.. no thanks to all the judgemental ****ers staring every time I cracked open a can.

fcastle

My ex was an absolute treasure. By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.

seagull

fcastle wrote: »

My ex was an absolute treasure. By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.

Ex marks the spot?

mirwillbeback

double post

mirwillbeback

Fella tells Doctor he is suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Ah that's a c*nt" says the Doc.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHH "

xlogo

Hear about that bloke who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the underground.



Went from Barking to Tooting in half an hour.

fcastle

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."
And as the two wives stare at the blonde's wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replies "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

fcastle

fcastle wrote: »

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."
And as the two wives stare at the blonde's wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replies "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

Dumb blond man jokes are like

D0NNELLY

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Dumb blond man jokes are like

Would have been better with paddy English, paddy Chinese and paddy Italian

frag420

D0NNELLY wrote: »

Would have been better with paddy English, paddy Chinese and paddy Italian

But thats wacist...said Paddy ChinaMan!!