The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Fratton Fred

A man walked into my local last night dressed in a black shirt, black shorts, black socks and a whistle in his mouth.

I thought to myself it's gonna kick off in a minute

gramar

josip wrote: »

We brought our son to the doctor this evening.
Turns out he has a bad ear infection and he's on antibiotics.
We're not sure he'll make it to his music school concert tomorrow evening.
We're going to have to play it by ear.

I hope he gets better.

josip

gramar wrote: »

I hope he gets better.

Tx, he's back on song this morning.

byrner88

The wife said she wants a Philips 42 inch for Christmas.

Where the **** am i going to get a screwdriver that big??

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

"Mr. Mouse, I'm afraid we can't grant a divorce simply because Minnie has unattractivce teeth."

"Unattactive teeth? I never said she had unattractive teeth - I said she was ****ing Goofy!"

Winterlong

I asked the hot girl next door if she had any new years resolutions.
She said "Fcuk you".

I am so excited for 2017!!!

chewed

"What does Morrissey have in his sandwiches?

"I don't know, but Marr might!"

gramar

chewed wrote: »

"What does Morrissey have in his sandwiches?

"I don't know, but Marr might!"

That joke isn't funny anymore.

StupidLikeAFox

gramar wrote: »

That joke isn't funny anymore.

You'll either love it or hate it tbf

everlast75

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

You'll either love it or hate it tbf

Some jokes are funnier than others...

Buford T. Justice XIX

everlast75 wrote: »

Some jokes are funnier than others...

I think you missed the Marmite reference there....

Winterlong

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

I think you missed the Marmite reference there....

I think you missed the Smiths reference there!

But stop me if you have heard this one before.

gramar

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

I think you missed the Marmite reference there....

Heaven knows I'm miserable now.

TheBody

Word of warning to all you hireing cheap labour. I hired an east European woman to clean and hoover my flat. It took her all day!! Turned out she was a slowvac!!

coolhull

Not meant to sound racist, by the way.....

A bin man is picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Hello sir! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret" explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No! No! Mate, where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!" says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK" replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin. He then whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

blueser

Couple driving down a lane, one wet and windy afternoon and suddenly they hear a thud from under the car.
They get out to take a look and see they have run over a badger.
The husband says to his wife, "I think it's still alive, it just needs warming through. Stick it between the tops of your thighs".
Wife complains "But it's all wet and smelly".
Husband says " Well if your that bothered, put your hand over the badger's snout".

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Miss Demeanour

A bank robber pulls out a gun and says " Give me all the money or your geography!"
The puzzled teller replies," Don't ya mean history?"
The robber says, " Don't change the subject!"

Miss Demeanour

People told me a fridge was a crap gift to get my mother for Christmas last year but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

TheBody

Got to the hotel last night and there was a bunch of people just inside the door and they were going on and on and on about Chess. Chess this. Chess that. And if there is one thing I cannot stand, it's Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

The flying mouse

What has the titanic and the sixth sence got in common...








Icy dead people .

The flying mouse

A Priest is having Breakfast with a Hindu.

Priest: 'I've discovered an image of Jesus in my margarine!"




the Hindu replies: "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

The flying mouse

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"




"Yesterday ?" I replied.

The flying mouse

And then the fight started


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

housetypeb

My wife has been nagging me to cut the lawn,the grass is over the bottom of the windows now.
But I'm stubborn.
I think the guy in the flat below us should cut it.

gitzy16v

A man got ran over by a red lorry then a yellow lorry then a red lorry then a yellow lorry.
The police said there was no easy way to tell his family......

mansize

Sex and the City 2017:

Samantha: Putin? More like Put-it-in, honey ooo.
Charlotte: Samantha you're so ba—

everyone dies in a nuclear blast

Carry

A catholic priest, a protestant vicar and a rabbi came together on a panel to discuss their opinions on the beginning of life.

The moderator asked: So, gentlemen, when do you think life begins?

Of course, says the priest, life begins at conception.

No, says the vicar, it begins at birth.

The rabbi shakes wisely his head and says:
No gentlemen, life begins when the kids finally leave the house and the dog is dead.

frag420

mansize wrote: »

Sex and the City 2017:

Samantha: Putin? More like Put-it-in, honey ooo.
Charlotte: Samantha you're so ba—

everyone dies in a nuclear blast

Including humour apparently....

mansize

frag420 wrote: »

Including humour apparently....

http://giphy.com/gifs/NckQVLwKSDaZG/html5