The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

maudgonner

Microdot wrote: »

Unfortunately I had to close my dating agency for chickens. I was unable to make hens meet.

Hender? Or Hatch.com? Plenty of Chicks?

coolhull

I went to the doctors and he gave me 2 months to live,so I shot the fcuker.
Yesterday the judge gave me 25 years.

Result.!!

coolhull

I've had enough of Christmas.

All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning..???

That big, fat fecker with the hairy face gets all the credit for it..!

Well, I suppose it was my own fault for marrying her......

blade1

coolhull wrote: »

I've had enough of Christmas.

All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning..???

That big, fat fecker with the hairy face gets all the credit for it..!

Well, I suppose it was my own fault for marrying her......

At least wait until a new page starts before repeating a joke!:pac:

frag420

I've had enough of Christmas.

All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning..???

That big, fat fecker with the hairy face gets all the credit for it..!

Well, I suppose it was my own fault for marrying her......

coolhull

frag420 wrote: »

I've had enough of Christmas.

All year long I work my fingers to the ......

Ah right. I see it now. I would never have done it if I'd known.
Sorry 'bout that.

Capt'n Midnight

Girls are funny creatures.

They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

"I'm a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I am divorced I keep the house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Hagar7

Frank Sinatra wrote: »

That joke was a catastrophe.

Was he a Catholic.

josip

We brought our son to the doctor this evening.
Turns out he has a bad ear infection and he's on antibiotics.
We're not sure he'll make it to his music school concert tomorrow evening.
We're going to have to play it by ear.

Fratton Fred

A man walked into my local last night dressed in a black shirt, black shorts, black socks and a whistle in his mouth.

I thought to myself it's gonna kick off in a minute

gramar

josip wrote: »

We brought our son to the doctor this evening.
Turns out he has a bad ear infection and he's on antibiotics.
We're not sure he'll make it to his music school concert tomorrow evening.
We're going to have to play it by ear.

I hope he gets better.

josip

gramar wrote: »

I hope he gets better.

Tx, he's back on song this morning.

byrner88

The wife said she wants a Philips 42 inch for Christmas.

Where the **** am i going to get a screwdriver that big??

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

"Mr. Mouse, I'm afraid we can't grant a divorce simply because Minnie has unattractivce teeth."

"Unattactive teeth? I never said she had unattractive teeth - I said she was ****ing Goofy!"

Winterlong

I asked the hot girl next door if she had any new years resolutions.
She said "Fcuk you".

I am so excited for 2017!!!

chewed

"What does Morrissey have in his sandwiches?

"I don't know, but Marr might!"

gramar

chewed wrote: »

"What does Morrissey have in his sandwiches?

"I don't know, but Marr might!"

That joke isn't funny anymore.

StupidLikeAFox

gramar wrote: »

That joke isn't funny anymore.

You'll either love it or hate it tbf

everlast75

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

You'll either love it or hate it tbf

Some jokes are funnier than others...

Buford T. Justice XIX

everlast75 wrote: »

Some jokes are funnier than others...

I think you missed the Marmite reference there....

Winterlong

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

I think you missed the Marmite reference there....

I think you missed the Smiths reference there!

But stop me if you have heard this one before.

gramar

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

I think you missed the Marmite reference there....

Heaven knows I'm miserable now.

TheBody

Word of warning to all you hireing cheap labour. I hired an east European woman to clean and hoover my flat. It took her all day!! Turned out she was a slowvac!!

coolhull

Not meant to sound racist, by the way.....

A bin man is picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Hello sir! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret" explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No! No! Mate, where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!" says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK" replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin. He then whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

blueser

Couple driving down a lane, one wet and windy afternoon and suddenly they hear a thud from under the car.
They get out to take a look and see they have run over a badger.
The husband says to his wife, "I think it's still alive, it just needs warming through. Stick it between the tops of your thighs".
Wife complains "But it's all wet and smelly".
Husband says " Well if your that bothered, put your hand over the badger's snout".

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Miss Demeanour

A bank robber pulls out a gun and says " Give me all the money or your geography!"
The puzzled teller replies," Don't ya mean history?"
The robber says, " Don't change the subject!"

Miss Demeanour

People told me a fridge was a crap gift to get my mother for Christmas last year but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

TheBody

Got to the hotel last night and there was a bunch of people just inside the door and they were going on and on and on about Chess. Chess this. Chess that. And if there is one thing I cannot stand, it's Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.