The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

gramar

chewed wrote: »

Had to take my cat to the vet the other day.

Turned out he'd had a massive stroke.

The vet or the cat?

The flying mouse

chewed wrote: »

Had to take my cat to the vet the other day.

Turned out he'd had a massive stroke.

As in he was petted to much

MonkieSocks

chewed wrote: »

Had to take my cat to the vet the other day.

Turned out he'd had a massive stroke.

Did he do a Cat scan?



:rolleyes:

chewed

He was in a Catatonic state.

Triboro

But he was purrfect after.

King George VI

That joke was a catastrophe.

Commotion Ocean

Did you hear about the drug addict crocodile?

He was in denial

everlast75

A couple at the door trying to convert me to the use of a natural moisturiser for hair and skin from the oil of a seed. I think they were Jojoba's Witnesses.




(@mooseallain)

tayto lover

everlast75 wrote: »

A couple at the door trying to convert me to the use of a natural moisturiser for hair and skin from the oil of a seed. I think they were Jojoba's Witnesses.




(@mooseallain)

If they were dressed in suits and white shirts and trying to sell you brown bread they might have been Hovis Witnesses.

Capt'n Midnight

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Did he do a Cat scan?



:rolleyes:

Probably waiting for the lab report...

Laeot

A member of the judiciary has had his penis removed ...

He's now called Justice Balls

Cortina_MK_IV

A member of the judiciary has had his balls removed......

Justice Toole.

Mr. FoggPatches

A member of the judiciary had his nose removed...
Awful.


Wait...

Capt'n Midnight

chewed wrote: »

Had to take my cat to the vet the other day.

Turned out he'd had a massive stroke.

And the vet had to put him down.







Because he was too heavy.

Wes Palmer Lee

Why do Sumo Wrestlers wax their body hair?

So they don't get mistaken for a feminist.

The flying mouse

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward.

When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the

First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetery worker.



"It's Beethoven," says the worker. "He's decomposing.

The flying mouse

A mother is cleaning her 12 year old son's bedroom and finds a load of bondage gear and fetish magazines.


She asks her husband "What do I do ?"


He says,"I'm not sure hun but whatever you do, dont ****ing spank him !"

idnkph

What do you call a black man flying a Aero-plane?





























The pilot ya racist bastards.

byrner88

Overheard a couple arguing in a restaurant last night. I don't usually take sides.........but they were distracted and their garlic bread looked delicious.

gitzy16v

I was stopped in the street by lady doing a survey.
She asked me what products I use for grooming.
Apparently, Facebook wasn't the answer she was expecting....


Dont shoot me,I am only the messenger

gitzy16v

Billy went for a job at the local council. During the interview the interviewer asked Billy, "Billy, how do you view lesbians in the workplace?", apparently "in full HD" was not the correct answer.

Microdot

Unfortunately I had to close my dating agency for chickens. I was unable to make hens meet.

Microdot

Microdot wrote: »

Unfortunately I had to close my dating agency for chickens. I was unable to make hens meet.

Not enough cock?

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY polos. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her polo out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

coolhull

TO EXCERCISE OR NOT TO EXCERCISE

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £2,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 70 and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them
.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier
.

10. If you are going to try cross ountry-running start with a small country.

byrner88

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my ****ing fingers to the bone to buy all the presents my kids ask for, and what happens Christmas morning?

That fat ****er with the beard gets all of the credit for it....Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her!!

gitzy16v

Husband takes his wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband replies:

"Looks like he's still fcuking celebrating"

chewed

Some say putting helium in animals is wrong.

I say whatever floats your goat.

milltown

I answered the door last night and there were two Gardaí standing there.
"Are you Mr.Milltown?" one of them said.
I told him I am.
"I'm sorry to tell you, but it looks like your wife has been involved in a terrible accident" he said.
I said "I know, but she's a decent cook and the kids are very fond of her."


Walking through town with my wife one night we walked past a fancy restaurant and got the smell of the lovely food. My wife inhaled deeply and said "oh my god, that smells amazing!"
I turned to look at her and said "come on then. Since it's your birthday"
So we walked past it again.
I'm sound like that.

Zemuppet

Two priest are having a shower but one of them remembers he forgot the soap. So he legs back to his room and picks up two bars of soap, one in each hand.

On the way back down a long corridor he sees three nuns talking at the far end. Then he remembers he forgot to put his towel and he'said bollock naked. Embarrassed he jumps up onto a window sil and pretends he's a statue.

As the nuns go pass him,one notices the priest and says 'That's a very lifelike looking statue' and she pulls his micky. Shocked he drops a bar of soap. 'Oh' she says, 'A soap dispenser'. The second nun does the same and another bar drops. The third nun keeps tugging and tugging.... 'Sweet Jesus...hand lotion as well'.