The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

MonkieSocks

Police have confirmed that two Premiership footballers have had their houses burgled on the same night last Tuesday.

Ryan Giggs had 70 welsh caps, 10 premiership medals, 2 champions league medals, 5 FA cup
medals, 1 league cup medal, 2 world clubcup medals, 8 charity shield medals and 1 super cup medal stolen.









Emmanuel Adebayor lost a kettle and a toaster.

Samaris

Funkfield wrote: »

My sperm count is so high my girlfriend has to chew before swallowing.

:cool:

Reading through this thread while eating my dinner, which happens to include prawn in marie rose sauce. Did really not need a mouthful of that when I read that joke...

Hagar7

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Police have confirmed that two Premiership footballers have had their houses burgled on the same night last Tuesday.

Ryan Giggs had 70 welsh caps, 10 premiership medals, 2 champions league medals, 5 FA cup
medals, 1 league cup medal, 2 world clubcup medals, 8 charity shield medals and 1 super cup medal stolen.









Emmanuel Adebayor lost a kettle and a toaster.

A wee bit,och okay,a big bit off topic,Steven Gerrard played over 500 games for Liverpool and never won a league medal,Henrik Larsson played 7 games for Manchester United and won a league medal....it's a funny old game,eh.

MonkieSocks

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,




Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

rolliepoley

I was going to tell a gay joke........butt fcuk it.

Hagar7

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Hagar7

My wife said to me this morning 'I heard you dreaming about sex last night. You were groaning somebodys name and it wasn't mine'

Oh God I thought. I was just about to start groveling when she said 'who the hell is Jenny?'

So I made some crap up to keep myself in the clear.

That was a close shave. Thank fook she doesn't know it was Jeremy.

AndThatsAFact

A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states;
"Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies and get used to sleepness nights of crying in about nine months time."
"Am I pregnant? O my husband is going to be thrilled!!!! We've been trying for soooooo Long!!! That is wonderful news."
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.''you've bowel cancer."

AndThatsAFact

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!"

MonkieSocks

Lost in a supermarket a little girl does as her mummy has always told her and goes to the customer service desk.

"I've lost my mummy!!!" she wails through floods of tears

"Oh dear, tell me, what's your mummy like?" says the concerned assistant

"Big Cocks and Vodka"

Galway K9

9/11 jokes are just Plane wrong!

deco nate

^^^

Are you both in on the trials?

The Corinthian

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits till you hit puberty before coming all over your face.

jimbobyrne

What's the best thing for getting chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

MonkieSocks

Who’s the coolest guy in hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

Who takes over when he’s on holiday?

The hip-replacement guy

Hermy

jimbobyrne wrote: »

What's the best thing for getting chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

It's actually chemotherapy does that.:rolleyes:

Just a reminder....

https://en.wikipedia.org/?title=Joke
A joke is something spoken, written, or done with humorous intention.[1] Jokes may have many different forms, e.g., a single word or a gesture (considered in a particular context), a question-answer, or a whole short story. The word "joke" has a number of synonyms, including wisecrack, gag, prank, quip, jape and jest.[1] To achieve their end, jokes may employ irony, sarcasm, word play and other devices. Jokes may have a punch line, i.e., an ending to make it humorous.

Some of the more recent posts are NOT jokes! :mad:

MonkieSocks

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5"9" tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return.

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. .

"I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."


"Well, I have," I corrected her.

"You see, I was playing in this golf match once for my club in the County finals.
I was playing in the final crucial group and all of the supporters were watching and following my match.
That felt really good - better than now."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.

Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred.

"OK" I replied.

Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have.


In that match, I was standing in the fairway 100 yards out all square on the final hole, We were 1/2 a point down in the match, and A win would secure the trophy.

I hit a pitching wedge to 2 feet.
A fantastic shot all over the flag.
The supporters went berserk..!
I was floating down the fairway, I felt so good.
Having a Putt to win the match, the final and be the toast of the team... That felt better than now..."



"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet... Heaven!!!

She turned to me and said softly... "Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a cnut?"








I certainly have" I answered,












"I missed the Putt..."

3rdDegree

141_Oscar_Mike wrote: »

"I tried adding paul Walker on Xbox live today but he was stuck on the dashboard.."

Reminds me of a very old, tasteless joke:

Q. Why does Natalie Wood not like to shower?
A. She prefers to wash up on the shore!

Comer1

3rdDegree wrote: »

Reminds me of a very old, tasteless joke:

Q. Why does Natalie Wood not like to shower?
A. She prefers to wash up on the shore!

Q. What type of timber doesn't float?








A. Natalie Wood

Comer1

141_Oscar_Mike wrote: »

"I tried adding paul Walker on Xbox live today but he was stuck on the dashboard.."

She
Reminds me of a tasteless old joke too:

Grace Kelly was on the radio...







and the dashboard...and the steering wheel...and the windscreen...

di11on

There were two fish in a tank and one said to the other, "how the hell do you drive this thing anyway?"

Badda bum :-)

TheBody

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble.
You have my Word.

MonkeyTennis

Pig: Doc, Im getting paranoid, I keep thinking people want to make bacon out of me

Psychiatrist: I think I can cure you

Pig: Oh not you as f**ing well!

bnt

Just after lights out in Mountjoy prison. All is quiet as the inmates settle down for the night. Then, suddenly ... someone farts loudly, and cheers resound across the prison.

What made all the men so happy?

"Yay! A Virgin!"

Curly Judge

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant) .

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

rolliepoley

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence.
The conditions are he's allowed to say no more than two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass.

They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass.

They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say.


"You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

byrner88

An English man, Scottish man and an Irish man are all waiting their fate on death row.

The Scottish man was asked if he would prefer the guillotine, electric chair or gas chamber.

He chose the guillotine however it stopped an inch from his head so they said he was free to go.

They asked the Irish man the same question and he chose the guillotine. Again it stopped an inch from his head, they said he was free to go.

The English man was asked the same question and he replied that he would prefer the electric chair as the guillotine didn't seem to be working.

tayto lover

byrner88 wrote: »

An English man, Scottish man and an Irish man are all waiting their fate on death row.

The Scottish man was asked if he would prefer the guillotine, electric chair or gas chamber.

He chose the guillotine however it stopped an inch from his head so they said he was free to go.

They asked the Irish man the same question and he chose the guillotine. Again it stopped an inch from his head, they said he was free to go.

The English man was asked the same question and he replied that he would prefer the electric chair as the guillotine didn't seem to be working.

I thought you were going to say that the Irishman replied " I know how to fix that ".

MetalDog

I bumped into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years yesterday. I told him I was arranging a night out with the boys on Facebook.

He said, "I'm not on Facebook, so keep me updated by text."

So later on, I sent him a text that said: "My brother-in-law is at a gig, my cousin loves cheese on toast, and a girl I went to school with has bought a cat."