The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

GerB40

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

STAR TREK V: Explorers seek God, shoot Him.

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE: Slave owner becomes sympathetic figure after turning to cannibalism.

GATTACA: A man overcomes his physical and mental limitations by lying about his job qualifications.

THE SHINING: Wife and son keep author from finishing his novel.

E.T.: Illegal alien eludes federal authorities.

THE MATRIX: Computer geek quits his job to spend more time playing a superhero in an online game.

SUPERMAN: Vigilante violates laws of nature to protect his interspecies relationship.

Trading Places: Two old men are cruelly tricked out of their life’s savings by a prostitute, a street hustler, and an ex-employee.

BACK TO THE FUTURE: Teenager accidentally seduces own mother, father exploits situation to get book deal.

THE NEW TESTAMENT: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.




And the ever classic.

Wizard of Oz - “Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again”

Ye both forgot the legendary Home Alone - The hilarious tale of two career criminals trying to murder a ten year old child..

GerB40

A man goes into a doctor and say "Doctor doctor I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass Of Home'. The doctor says, "It sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome". The man replies "Tom Jones syndrome? Is that common?" The doctor says "It's not unusual".

Martonio

What Disney movie will Rick Astley never lend you?

He will never give you Up!

EoghanIRL

Three friends walk into a bar. After a round, the first of the group speaks up. "I would like to reveal to you that I am actually a wizard!" The second friend said, "Good gravy, I am a sorceror too!" The third wasn't anyone magical, but felt pressured to say that he was. The first man said, "Let's have a contest, let's try to make this bar rise into the air!" The first magician caused the bar to rise to the height of a tall mountain. The second said, "Pft, that's nothing," and the bar shot to the edge of space. Now the first two were waiting for the third. The third then cleverly said, "I can't do it. You've set the bar too high."

rolliepoley

A couple who had been married for 35 years went up to bed. As the wife undressed she said to her husband "Do you remember all those years ago on our honeymoon wnen I stripped for the first time in front of you?" Yes I do, replied the husband. "What did you think as you watched me?" asked the wife. "I remember wanting to f**k your brains out and suck your tits dry" replied the husband. "What do you think now?" asked the wife, stripping off her bra and pants. "I think I did a f***ing good job!" said the husband.

rolliepoley

The devoted girlfriend of a boxing fanatic decided to please him by having some tatoo's done. She visited a local tatoo parlour and requested the faces of her boyfriends favourite boxers Mohamed Ali on one thigh and Sugar Ray Leonard on the other. That night she lay naked on the bed and when her boyfriend came home she called for him to come up to the bedroom. As the boyfriend stood stunned in the doorway she said "Hi Babe, recognise these". The boyfriend took a closer look and replied - "The one on the right thigh is 'Mohamed Ali', the one on the left thigh is 'Sugar Ray Leonard' and the one in the middle is Don King!"

Gloomtastic!

Courtesy of my seven year old son......

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?


















No, you're a poo.

stefan idiot jones

Courtesy of Ricky from The Trailer Park Boys....

Knock Knock,



Who's There ?





















Fcuk Off !

Mr Tibbs

On the ninth date I decided to bring the girlfriend to the latest Batman movie. So far our relationship is dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Banjo String

I was in bed with my Japanese girlfriend, when I happened to remark that her fanny was gettin a bit baggy...



She lost it & screamed, "You always CLITTYSIZING !!":eek:

rolliepoley

When my lifelong-bachelor uncle turned 78, he traveled across the country to visit a dozen or so old girlfriends.

“How’d it go?” I asked when he returned.

“Thank God I never married any of them,” he said. “They’re all widows.”

EoghanIRL

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.

h2o2 is hydrogen peroxide , a strong oxidising agent with similar effect to bleach when swallowed in large amounts .

EoghanIRL

Whys the difference between Hitler and Michael phelps.

Michael phelps can finish a race.

EoghanIRL

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."
The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"

Capt'n Midnight

Does anyone know if this IOS 16 Time travel app actually works or not?







I'm such a failure , the add read "Tool Hire" and i still didn't get the job.

donvito99

Irish man goes for a job interview at a blacksmith's.

Blacksmith: Have you ever shooed a horse?

Irishman:

No, but I once told a donkey to fúck off.

Mr Tibbs

rolliepoley wrote: »

The devoted girlfriend of a boxing fanatic decided to please him by having some tatoo's done. She visited a local tatoo parlour and requested the faces of her boyfriends favourite boxers Mohamed Ali on one thigh and Sugar Ray Leonard on the other. That night she lay naked on the bed and when her boyfriend came home she called for him to come up to the bedroom. As the boyfriend stood stunned in the doorway she said "Hi Babe, recognise these". The boyfriend took a closer look and replied - "The one on the right thigh is 'Mohamed Ali', the one on the left thigh is 'Sugar Ray Leonard' and the one in the middle is Don King!"

They say Don King is a right cnut alright.

rolliepoley

What's red and bad for your teeth?





























A brick.

100 DOLLAR BILL

Bob got home late one night and, Becky, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Bob replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.

''A tattoo?' she frowned. '

What kind of tattoo did you get? ''

I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust..

Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates? '

Well, I did it for 4 reasons.

· One, I like to watch my money grow.

· Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

· Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And,

· Four, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.


Bob is recovering in room 234 at St Joseph Hospital ..

rolliepoley

I found out I was a dyslexic when I turned up to a toga party dressed as a goat

EoghanIRL

A farmer walks into a lawyers office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
Farmer: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
Attorney: "well do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundees."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
"No sir, we both get up about 4:30am." replies the farmer.
All out of ideas the lawyer asks "Sir, is she a nagger or anything?"
The farmer says, "No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and thats why I want a dayvorce."

Hilly Bill

rolliepoley wrote: »

I found out I was a dyslexic when I turned up to a toga party dressed as a goat

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=86528274

And thats were it all went wrong for you

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ...

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

J Cheever Loophole

How do you stop a fish from smelling?

Hold it's nose!

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if he could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."



Heart-warming stories like this just makes one want to cry.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if he could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."



Heart-warming stories like this just makes one want to cry.

EoghanIRL

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes... "

EoghanIRL

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 mins later " computer completely fûcked now".

Capt'n Midnight

Bruce Forsyth walks into a sweet shop.

"Can I help you?" asks the assistant.

"Yes" Brucie replies, "Give us a twirl."





"I know this will be a terrible shock, but you're not really our daughter." I explained.

"You'll always be my real dad, so just tell me what happened!"

"Well, your mum wanted a girl, son."




I got myself a divers outfit for Halloween.

A Real Madrid kit with Ronaldos names on the back.

Hagar the Nice.

What do ye call a Scots woman that decorates yer bathroom??





Bonnie Tiler.

OK,my jokes can break hearts at times.