The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL

Q: Why do elephants float down the river on their backs?
A: So they won't get their tennis shoes wet.

Q: Why do elephants like to fly Ryanair?
A: Because they can take their trunks into the cabin.

Capt'n Midnight

How do elephants hide in Custard ?


They paint their feet yellow and lie upside down

tayto lover

Did someone open their Christmas Crackers early?

EoghanIRL

Three feminists walk into a bar .

They look at one another and say, "Hooray! We've taken over a male-dominated joke format!"

WilyCoyote

tayto lover wrote: »

Did someone open their Christmas Crackers early?

Or Fortune Cookies

Weevil

A Horse walks into a Bar-

Barman says: 'Is this a ****!ng joke?'

EoghanIRL

Ugh, 7 days without a pun makes one weak.

EoghanIRL

So a grocer is restocking vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?" The man replies "Well ma'am we're out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then." The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks "Sir, I was wondering where I could find the broccoli?" Confused, the grocer says "Well ma'am we are out of broccoli today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow." The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks "Pardon me, but do you know where the broccoli is?" The grocer looks at her angrily and says "Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?" The woman replies "D-O-G" "Okay" says the grocer. "Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?" "C-A-T" says the woman. "Perfect" the grocer replies. "Now how do you spell fück , like in broccoli?" Confused, the woman says "But, there is no fück in broccoli." The grocer says "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA LADY! THERE'S NO FÜCKIN' BROCCOLI!"

Capt'n Midnight

EoghanIRL wrote: »

So a grocer is restocking vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?"

How dumbed down is today's generation ?
The original version goes like

There's no F in [word]


A young man came to the underwear department of a men's store with a complaint. He was attended to by a young woman.

"I want to return these pants please."

"Certainly, sir. What's wrong with them?"

"They're . . . not suitable."

"In what way, sir?"

"Well, I'll put it this way. Do you know Murphy's Hotel in Castlebar ?"

"Yes, of course."

"And do you know the ballroom on the right ?"

"Wait a minute. There's no ballroom on the right."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you."





PS.

Have you ever seen an elephant in custard ?



































It works doesn't it !

Hagar the Nice.

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Hagar the Nice.

Why a dog is better than a wife

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

15. Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

Hagar the Nice.

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

eisenberg1

Myself and the wife were in Canada on vacation a few weeks ago, and one evening when out for dinner, we found a place that had bear steaks on the menu, we both thought we would try it, mine was fine but the wife said her steak was a bit grizzly.............

EoghanIRL

While talking to a girl

"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
"No, what?"
"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."

EoghanIRL

So my neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM...

Who knocks on doors at three in the morning? It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

EoghanIRL

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

illdoit2morrow

Two blondes either side of a cliff.

One shouts across to the other "How do i get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're already there!"

Capt'n Midnight

Why do elephants have big ears?????



'cos Noddy won't pay the ransom

D_murph

I was in a nightclub the other night and I saw this big heifer of a girl giving it loads out on the dance floor.

I went up to her and asked her if she would like to go somewhere quiet for a drink.

She giggled and said "Yes, of course".

I replied, "Good cos youre making me and the lads a bit sick TBH".

rolliepoley

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?





An irrelephant.

Capt'n Midnight

How do you fit four elephants into a blue Mini ?




Two in the front, two in the back and trunks in the boot.

rolliepoley

What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?






Elephino. (HEll if I know)

Busted Flat.

rolliepoley wrote: »

What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?






Elephino. (HEll if I know)

Just to fresh things up, this thread is about the best joke you ever heard.
Jumbo jokes expired back in the eighties.

rolliepoley

There was an elephant,he went to the camel and said why do you have two boobs on your back and then the camel replied: that's quite a stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face.

rolliepoley

"I got a new car radio. When you shout ""soul"" it plays soul music, when you shout ""rock"" it plays rock music. One day some kids ran out in front of my car and I shouted ""F***ing kids!" and Rolf Harris came on.

An elephant walks into a pub carrying a battery and some jump leads,
"Don’t' you start anything!" shouts the barman.

giles lynchwood

Wearing Crocs is like getting a BJ from another man.
They both feel lovely,until you look down.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call an elephant wearing glass Slippers ?




Cinderelephant.

stefan idiot jones

A guy went to the doctors suffering from Elephantiasis of his cock and balls.
He asked the doctor if he could keep the swelling, just get rid of the bruising.