The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Curly Judge

Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with an Ice Lolly and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- 'There's a car being towed from the Car park ,' he shouted.

- 'An ambulance just drove by!'

- 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'

- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

- 'Jason is on his skate board!'

- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with an Ice Lolly.'

Forever And Ever

What do you call an Irish lesbian?

Gay lick

Mr Tibbs

A pretty young teacher began her grammer lesson.
An abstract noun is something you can think of but cannot touch. Can anyone give me two examples.
Little Johnnie at the back of the class piped up "Your tits"

rolliepoley

What do you call a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny.

























A block of flapps!

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

What do you call a child in a filing cabinet?


Sorted!

Flibbles

Flibbles wrote: »

Oh not the buggering elephant jokes again.

Getting buggered by an elephant wouldn't be funny, it'd make your eyes water.

anyway, how do you know that an elephant has been watching television in your living room.



There are peanut shells in the carpet.

Capt'n Midnight

Why do elephants have four feet ?











6" wouldn't be much use for an elephant.

wexie

What should you do when you see a herd of elephants coming over a hill?

start paddling

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

wexie wrote: »

What should you do when you see a herd of elephants coming over a hill?

start paddling

Make a truck call and reverse charges.

Howard Juneau

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Make a truck call and reverse charges.

Trunk call perhaps?

Howard Juneau

Guy goes to a doctor's, he's obviously in pain, but he's also extremely embarrassed.
Doctor just said "take your time & tell me what's the matter"
Guy says "well doc, I was in Africa for 3 months, went on safari & well...ahm...perhaps I can show you'
With that, the guy pulls down his pants to shoe the doc his bumhole which is the size of a basketball.
"Sweet mother if Jesus" said the doc, "what happened to you"
The guy replied, "on safari, i was raped by an elephant"
Doc is perplexed " From what I remember of elephant biology, they have long & very, very thin penises"
The patient nodded and said "yes doc, that's true, but he fingered me first"!

Capt'n Midnight

What kind of car does Tarzan drive ?

A Mazda,











323 :pac:

janmaree

Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

The Pooka MacPhellimey

What do you call a guy with 50 rabbits up his bum?








Warren

ringadingding

Curly Judge wrote: »

Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment '

I thought that was going a completely different way

EoghanIRL

janmaree wrote: »

Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

Technically wrong you mean?
A solution is a homogeneous mixture – a mixture that looks (to the naked eye) the same throughout. Throw a bit of salt in water , Homogeneous mixture. A solution (homogeneous mixture) doesn’t have to be a liquid! Air is a solution, i.e. a homogeneous mixture of gases.

For any solution, the chemical present in the largest amount is the solvent and all the other chemicals present are solutes.

Drinking alcohol (ethanol) is a not a mixture, but a pure substance that happens to be a liquid at room temperature and typical atmospheric pressure (your house).

Think about it ! Ethanol , is just an alkane with a functional group(OH).

I feel like such a fcuking buzzkill.

EoghanIRL

How do you raise a baby elephant ?

with a crane

EoghanIRL

This thread should just be for elephant jokes !



All the other jokes are irrelephant.

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.



· When chemists die, they barium.



· Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.



· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.



· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.



· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.



· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.



· I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.



· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.



· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.



· This dyslexic man walks into a bra.



· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.



· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?



· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.



· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds...



· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!



· Broken pencils are pointless.



· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.



· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.



· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.



Police say they have nothing to go on.



· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



· Velcro - what a rip off!



· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

EoghanIRL

My wife always complains that I never follow through on anything..........

Hagar the Nice.

RedFormanFITA wrote: »

Benjamin Button
Benjamin who?
Benjamin
Who's there?
Knock, knock.

I've ever seen on here.
Is one of the best
That joke

Hagar the Nice.

The Pooka MacPhellimey wrote: »

What do you call a guy with 50 rabbits up his bum?








Warren

FABulous.:o

.Henry Sellers.

An English man is sitting in morning rush hour traffic, he's on his usual commute to his office in central London. After a couple of hours of bumper to bumper traffic he finally gets to work, he is sick and tired of years of being stuck in traffic and comes up with the idea of buying a Camel and riding it through the traffic.

He makes the purchase and the next day he's in work in record time, his speedy journey cutting through traffic on his Camel continues for the next few days until one day he finishes up from work to find his Camel is gone from where he tied him up that morning.
Fuming he charges to the police station and makes a statement to the officer on duty, the bewildered policeman is stunned when he hears a Camel has been stolen so asks for details.

Policeman: "Has this Camel one hump or two?",

Businessman: "It has one hump"

Policeman: "And is it a male or female?",

Businessman: "I think it's a female "'

Policeman: "And how do you know this?"

Businessman: "We'll I was riding the Camel into work the other day and these two Paddies doing roadworks were working down a hole looked up and said, Jesus look at the Cunt on that Camel".

:pac:

RedFormanFITA

Now that Halloween is not too far away.....


Why does the bogeyman check under his bed every night?



To see if Chuck Norris is hiding under it.



What type of stories do ghosts tell around the campfire?



Chuck Norris stories.




Chuck Norris is the reason why Superman wears his underwear on the outside. Apparently the story goes, they had a bet years ago, and if Chuck Norris could kick Superman's ass, Superman would have to wear his underwear on the outside.

RedFormanFITA

Now that Halloween is not too far away.....


Why does the bogeyman check under his bed every night?



To see if Chuck Norris is hiding under it.



What type of stories do ghosts tell around the campfire?



Chuck Norris stories.




Chuck Norris is the reason why Superman wears his underwear on the outside. Apparently the story goes, they had a bet years ago, and if Chuck Norris could kick Superman's ass, Superman would have to wear his underwear on the outside.

Capt'n Midnight

How does King Wenceslaus I, Duke of Bohemia like his pizza ?


Deep pan, crisp and even.

RedFormanFITA

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

How does King Wenceslaus I, Duke of Bohemia like his pizza ?


Deep pan, crisp and even.

And hopefully delivered before 10pm on the Feast of Stephen, or he's gettin his money back, lol.

EoghanIRL

What do you call the worm that ate Mozart ?

A decomposer :P

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?'"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 62 years."

Flibbles

RedFormanFITA wrote: »

Now that Halloween is not too far away.....


Why does the bogeyman check under his bed every night?



To see if Chuck Norris is hiding under it.



What type of stories do ghosts tell around the campfire?



Chuck Norris stories.




Chuck Norris is the reason why Superman wears his underwear on the outside. Apparently the story goes, they had a bet years ago, and if Chuck Norris could kick Superman's ass, Superman would have to wear his underwear on the outside.

Who's the homophobic racist whose popularity is way out of proportion?

Chuck Norris.