The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight

What's a pirate's favourite letter?
You may think it's "Arrr" but, nay, his first love be the "C".

windy shepard henderson

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What's a pirate's favourite letter?
You may think it's "Arrr" but, nay, his first love be the "C".

given your name i must argue that you have a massive advantage over the other joke tellers on this thread with that last joke!!!:pac:....

Capt'n Midnight

Why aren't elephants good at dancing ?

Because they've two left feet.

Resetting The Password


Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.



Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?



No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.



Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?



Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.



Can I use the old one and just re-register it?



No, you must get a new one.



I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.



Sorry, you must get a new one.



OK, roses.



Sorry you must use more letters.



OK, pretty roses



No good, you must use at least one numerical character.



OK, 1 pretty rose



Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.



OK, 1prettyrose



Sorry, you must use additional characters.



OK, 1fúckingprettyrose



Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.



OK, 1FÚCKINGprettyrose



Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.



OK, 1fúckingprettyrose



Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.



OK, 1fúckingprettyroseshovedupyourarseifyoudon'tgivemeaccessright****ingnow



Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used

rolliepoley

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up,... not an office party!"

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .

the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody ****.

rolliepoley

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) It had never been occupied
2) That there was plenty of heat
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the Check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

rolliepoley

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

M5

I can't remember when I first heard the phrase "One up the bum, no harm done."

But whoever said it owes me a new guinea pig.

EoghanIRL

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

EoghanIRL

What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy ?

Deer balls , they're under a buck.

EoghanIRL

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today ?

"it is, and dont call me Shirley".

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

Kippure

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.


Broken pencils are pointless.


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.


Velcro - what a rip off !


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner again ? Oh deer !




Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

The wife was counting 5 & 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were €70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.


I was in the pub on Sat night and noticed 2 large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so i said 'hi, are you 2 girls from Scotland?' One of them chirped 'it's WALES you ****ing idiot!!' So i immediately apologised and said 'Sorry, are you 2 Whales from Scotland?


A nurse finds a mental patient rubbing his willy between 2 biscuits, she asks "what are u doing?" Mental patient smiles and replies "I'm ****ing crackers"


When i was just a little girl...

I asked my mother what will i be.....

Will i be pretty..

Will i be rich....

Here,s what she said to me..


SON, WE NEED TO TALK!



Paddy ,s been arrested for punching his wife again. The judge asked him, why do you keep beating your wife? Paddy said I thinks its my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork....

EoghanIRL

Airplane :

"Are you nervous?"

"Yes"

" is it your first time ?"

" no , I've been nervous before "

EoghanIRL

" oh my god something is terribly wrong "

"What is it? "

"A pronoun , but that's not important now"

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.


10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.



WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

Hagar the Nice.

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3 kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.

The man is still looking at his thumb...

Hagar the Nice.

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3 kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.

The man is still looking at his thumb...

lecker Hendl

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase"

Capt'n Midnight

What has four legs and can't walk ?

a dead elephant.

paul0103

I heard a joke about Sean Connery's brother's youngest daughter..


It's a little niche.

EoghanIRL

A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.
After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"

EoghanIRL

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

EoghanIRL

"what's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?" One less drunk



Ok that one was lower than Irelands population during the famine.

Capt'n Midnight

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Ok that one was lower than Irelands population during the famine.

Ireland's population peaked during the famine.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/60/IrelandRepublicPopulation1841.PNG/640px-IrelandRepublicPopulation1841.PNG





What's the difference between an elephant and spaghetti ?

Elephants don't usually fall off the end of your fork.

Capt'n Midnight

How do you know if there is an elephant in your house ?

There is a bicycle outside the door

Comer1

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

How do you know if there is an elephant in your house ?

There is a bicycle outside the door

How do you know if there are two elephants in your house ?













The cross-bar is bent.

Aglomerado

Comer1 wrote: »

How do you know if there are two elephants in your house ?

The cross-bar is bent.

How do you know elephants have been shagging in your garden?
Your lawn is all flattened and the bin liner is missing!!!!!

eisenberg1

Comer1 wrote: »

How do you know if there are two elephants in your house ?













The cross-bar is bent.

Jaysus, that takes me back to school:D

Howard Juneau

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Jaysus, that takes me back to school:D

Fat little bugger were you? :P