The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL

What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy ?

Deer balls , they're under a buck.

EoghanIRL

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today ?

"it is, and dont call me Shirley".

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

Kippure

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.


Broken pencils are pointless.


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.


Velcro - what a rip off !


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner again ? Oh deer !




Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

The wife was counting 5 & 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were €70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.


I was in the pub on Sat night and noticed 2 large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so i said 'hi, are you 2 girls from Scotland?' One of them chirped 'it's WALES you ****ing idiot!!' So i immediately apologised and said 'Sorry, are you 2 Whales from Scotland?


A nurse finds a mental patient rubbing his willy between 2 biscuits, she asks "what are u doing?" Mental patient smiles and replies "I'm ****ing crackers"


When i was just a little girl...

I asked my mother what will i be.....

Will i be pretty..

Will i be rich....

Here,s what she said to me..


SON, WE NEED TO TALK!



Paddy ,s been arrested for punching his wife again. The judge asked him, why do you keep beating your wife? Paddy said I thinks its my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork....

EoghanIRL

Airplane :

"Are you nervous?"

"Yes"

" is it your first time ?"

" no , I've been nervous before "

EoghanIRL

" oh my god something is terribly wrong "

"What is it? "

"A pronoun , but that's not important now"

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.


10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.



WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

Hagar the Nice.

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3 kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.

The man is still looking at his thumb...

Hagar the Nice.

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3 kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.

The man is still looking at his thumb...

lecker Hendl

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase"

Capt'n Midnight

What has four legs and can't walk ?

a dead elephant.

paul0103

I heard a joke about Sean Connery's brother's youngest daughter..


It's a little niche.

EoghanIRL

A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.
After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"

EoghanIRL

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

EoghanIRL

"what's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?" One less drunk



Ok that one was lower than Irelands population during the famine.

Capt'n Midnight

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Ok that one was lower than Irelands population during the famine.

Ireland's population peaked during the famine.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/60/IrelandRepublicPopulation1841.PNG/640px-IrelandRepublicPopulation1841.PNG





What's the difference between an elephant and spaghetti ?

Elephants don't usually fall off the end of your fork.

Capt'n Midnight

How do you know if there is an elephant in your house ?

There is a bicycle outside the door

Comer1

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

How do you know if there is an elephant in your house ?

There is a bicycle outside the door

How do you know if there are two elephants in your house ?













The cross-bar is bent.

Aglomerado

Comer1 wrote: »

How do you know if there are two elephants in your house ?

The cross-bar is bent.

How do you know elephants have been shagging in your garden?
Your lawn is all flattened and the bin liner is missing!!!!!

eisenberg1

Comer1 wrote: »

How do you know if there are two elephants in your house ?













The cross-bar is bent.

Jaysus, that takes me back to school:D

Howard Juneau

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Jaysus, that takes me back to school:D

Fat little bugger were you? :P

Hagar the Nice.

My wife says if I don't stop looking at porn online she's going to bash my head off the keyboaewqe;ckhr;kejrhewm;ckjh ;kjhc;vkejchr;moihr[o32mcyu[2r3m

Capt'n Midnight

How long should an elephant's legs be ?

Long enough to reach the ground...

stefan idiot jones

What do elephants use for vibrators ?




Epileptic Pygmies.

rolliepoley

There were twin sisters turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home.

The editor of the local paper told a photographer to get over there and take some pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. When the photographer got there, he asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The twin answered, "He said, 'WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!'"

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?!"

Pulsating Star

teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it
will take the contagious

Comer1

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Jaysus, that takes me back to school:D

Me too.:-). And not exactly the "best joke I ever heard" either.

clintondaly

How would you know if you were after passing an elephant ?








You wouldnt be able to put down the toilet seat.

--Kaiser--

Pulsating Star wrote: »

teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it
will take the contagious

In a similar vein....

There was this Russian guy, this Spanish guy and this Korean guy all in the same ESL class. The teacher told them to make a sentence using the word 'hostess' for homework.

So the next day the Russian guy goes "Oh I have a good sentence. The hostess was very courteous." And the teacher said "Wow that was really good!"

The Spanish guy goes, "Oh I have a better sentence. My mother is a good hostess when others come over." Then the teacher said, "Wow that was really good!"

Finally the Korean guy goes, "I have the best sentence. When my mother answers the phone, she says 'Hostess?' "

A man goes on holiday in China and while there he visits all the local brothels, after a while he gets an itch! :eek:

So he goes to a local doctor who tells him that it's serious and that he has to get his penis amputated. :eek: :eek:

He refuses to believe that and comes home and visits his local GP.

He tells the GP about what the Chinese doctor had said.
The GP says that "Those Chinese doctors only think about money, you don't need it amputating!"










"it'll fall off all by itself in a couple of weeks!" :eek: :eek::eek:

Capt'n Midnight

Why are elephants wrinkled ?

Have you ever tried ironing one ?