The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL

There's a lot of jokes about unemployed people,

But none of them work.

EoghanIRL

Why do Jehovah witness' not celebrate Halloween?

Because they don't like random people knocking on their door.

rolliepoley

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

rolliepoley

A woman opens her front door on Halloween night and finds a little boy in a pirate costume. "Oh, what an adorable pirate!" she exclaims. "Where are your buccaneers?"

"Under my buccan hat," he replies.

EoghanIRL

So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had sex with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"

Mr Tibbs

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Was it a Wibble Wobble Wonder.

rolliepoley

What do you do if a bird s**ts on your car?

































Don’t ask her out again.

rolliepoley

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Was it a Wibble Wobble Wonder.

No it was an ice cream lolly, and when he pulled it back out, it became a choc-ice.

rolliepoley

What’s the first sign of Madness?


















Suggs walking up your driveway.

rolliepoley

Once upon a time there was a chap, who after a bitter divorce, became very lonely. And so he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted an unusual pet to keep him company. After much discussion, he decided on a centipede, which he immediately named Carl. It came with a little white box which could be used as its house.

He took the box home and found a good location for it, and decided that he would start off by taking his new friend to the pub to have a drink. So he peeked into the opening on the box and said "Hey Carl, would you like to nip down to the pub for a beer?"

There was, however, no reply, and that bothered the chap a bit. A few minutes later he asked again and said "Hey, how about going down to the pub with me for a beer?" But again there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited ten more minutes thinking about the situation and then decided to ask one more time. He put his mouth up to the opening in the white box and shouted "Hey, you in there, would you like to go to the pub and have a drink with me.

At this point, a little voice came out of the box and said "No need to shout, I heard you the first time. hang on a minute, I'm putting on my shoes!"

EoghanIRL

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

rolliepoley

What do Mexicans have underneath their carpets ?
























Underlay, Underlay.

RedFormanFITA

Benjamin Button
Benjamin who?
Benjamin
Who's there?
Knock, knock.

Allyall

What does a nosey pepper do?
























Gets jalapeno business.

What do you call a fake noodle?




































An Impasta

Busted Flat.

A little mouse was following an elephant around the jungle for months shouting gives us a ride, she soon got pissed of with the mouse, one day the elephant said right on, lets go over there under the coconut tree and do it. The little mouse was going like the hammers, then a coconut fell on the elephants head and she went ouch, the mouse said did I hurt you babe.

Howard Juneau

^^^
Another version.
An elephant is crying in the jungle and a mouse pokes his head up and asks, "what's wrong miss?"
The elephant sobs, " A thorn is stuck in my foot & it hurts sooo much"
The mouse sees the thorn & reckons he can get it out but asks "if I get the thorn out, will you shag me?"
The elephant says "yes! Please take the thorn out"
So, the mouse reaches up & takes our the thorn, and tells her to turn around so he can get a jump.
Elephant turns around & sees two monkeys in the tree sniggering. The mouse takes a running jump onto a rock & starts shagging the elephant. At this, the monkeys start bursting out laughing. The mouse is going hammer & tongs & the monkeys are still laughing and start throwing coconuts at the elephant, harder & harder until the elephant looks up & shouts, "stop! I can't take it anymore"
To which the mouse replied.
"Oh, you'll take it b*tch!"

RedFormanFITA

What do you call a Spanish man who's just left hospital?

Manuel.



What do you call a Spanish man who can't remember where his car is parked?

Carlos.



What do you call a man carrying two shovels?

Doug.


What do you call a man carrying one shovel?

Lazy bast..., no Douglas (dug less, get it?)

Gitb1

zerks wrote: »

How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge?

There's footprints in the butter.

Ive never gotten this joke

EoghanIRL

Gitb1 wrote: »

Ive never gotten this joke

How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge ?

The door won't close.

How do you know there's two elephants in your fridge ?

You hear giggles when the lights go out.


By the way : elephant jokes are supposed to be ridiculous

coolhull

EoghanIRL wrote: »

How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge ?

The door won't close.

How do you know there's two elephants in your fridge ?

You hear giggles when the lights go out.


By the way : elephant jokes are supposed to be ridiculous

And so they are...

eisenberg1

EoghanIRL wrote: »

How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge ?

The door won't close.

How do you know there's two elephants in your fridge ?

You hear giggles when the lights go out.

Or there is Footprints in the butter....

Capt'n Midnight

How do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge ?






There are three footprints in the butter.

Flibbles

Oh not the buggering elephant jokes again.

RedFormanFITA

Father Ted: Father Jack suffers from agrophobia.

Father Dougal: I didn't know Father Jack was afraid of fighting.

Capt'n Midnight

How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge ?

























There's a blue mini parked outside.

Mr Tibbs

A young fellow in confession told the priest that he commited a very evil sin saying he rode his cat for an experiment. The priest said to him it wasn't such a grave sin if he didn't enjoy it to which the young lad yes he did immensely. The priest said to him go out and say three decades of the rosary and dont do this evil thing again.
That night while the priest was reading his bible his cat jumped up on his lap and started licking him and the priest thought this is interesting so he pulled down his pants and tried to have sex with the cat, but the cat turned and ripped the balls of him. He was in agony for day's and could tell no one. Two week later in his confessional he pulls the screen across only to hear the lad say again father I'm after riding my cat again, so the priest said how did you manage this. the young fellow said I put a bag over his head first father, so the priest said for you penance son take the bag of his head the next time.

Mr Tibbs

Be very careful when purchasing on eBAY. I spent 100 euro on a penis enlarger and the bastards sent me a magnifying glass with the instructions dangerous to use in direct sunlight.

Curly Judge

A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~

rolliepoley

A middle-aged Jewish gentleman is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says to her.

"So what would you like my dear a Jaguar
a Sable coat or a diamond necklace,"?

She says, " If you don"t mind, I want a divorce."

he says, " I wasn't planning on spending that much."

rolliepoley

Two prisoneers were waiting to be executed. The warden asked if there were any last request.
Prisoneer #1 says,"I want to hear the song La Vita Loca by Ricky Martin played over the intercom as I am being executed. The warden replied "I shall do that". The warden turned to prisoneer #2 and asked. "what would be your last request?" Prisoneer #2 replied, "Could I be executed FIRST?"