The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

chughes

I was at a wedding last weekend and the waiter asked me if I'd like Beef Or Salmon or beef or salmon.

kfallon

The Missus was just on to me apparently the burgers we were eating from Lidl contained horse meat.

I told her not to worry , We only had a capall

Strawberry Fields

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

I think someone may be sending me death threats.

Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

Awesomeness

Dont worry. They've technically only found horse DNA, so they might not contain horse meat.


Just horse semen

Comer1

I was wondering why Tesco burgers were giving me the trotts.

dan185

thread unfollowed.

Culleeo

Tesco burgers, low in fat but high in shergar.

Tired of horse burgers? Try Tesco's new range of Korean meat balls. They're the dog's bollox!

kfallon

I was in the Tesco cafe ordering my food when the waitress asked me if I wanted anything on my burger......

So I had a fiver each way!

tayto lover

kfallon wrote: »

I was in the Tesco cafe ordering my food when the waitress asked me if I wanted anything on my burger......

So I had a fiver each way!

You were obviously trying to stirrup trouble.

groovie

Tesco are launching a range of burgers for kids called My little pony. (cough)

tayto lover

We have the bit between our teeth now.

EoghanIRL

groovie wrote: »

Tesco are launching a range of burgers for kids called My little pony. (cough)

Ugh sick of these joke

Drakares

Yup. Tesco jokes are old by now. Moar funnies!

tayto lover

groovie wrote: »

Tesco are launching a range of burgers for kids called My little pony. (cough)

They say the "Mr Ed" burgers talk back to you.

Omackeral

How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

passremarkable

tried to buy the 3d version of the bambi dvd..but it was little deer!!

quirkey35

News just in..................................Traces of Zebra have been found in Tesco Bar Codes

hefferboi

Shut up with the Horse jokes.

quirkey35

Had a burger before going to bed last night..... Woke up this morning ..... had a bit in my mouth

mad m

Tesco have made new range of MeatBalls....I heard they are the dogs b0ll0x!

crockholm

David Attenborough and his crew are filming elephants during the mating season when an over excited bull charges towards them causing them to scatter and flee for their lives.
Sir David is one of the first to make it back to camp,and he waits at the entrance to make sure everyone's safe, eventually ,they all come back, except one, joe,the cameraman.
they wait for hours,and are about to send a search team for joe when,lo,he appears,walking slowly and almost crab-like.
Sir David greets the pale,gaunt nervy joe and asks of his tale, joe replies "i need ice,a hospital and a therapist" "why so?",asks david, "that bull elephant chased me caught me pinned me down and had sex with me"sobbed joe
O dear! said david,"but its not so bad is it, i mean elephant penis' are tiny",joe replied "I know that ,but the baxtard fingered me first"

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster...............

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?!

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his trousers down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

JoeyDoh

So there's horse meat in tesco burgers
I also hear there's camel toes in pennies leggings

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer replied, 'I want to get one of them day vorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer replied, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, ‘No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer replied, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, ‘Is your wife a nagger?'



The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a day vorce.'

Sofaspud

What do you call a rough neighbourhood in Italy?

Spaghetto!

hefferboi

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

hefferboi

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

mobby

A Garda spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for backup, saying... "I've got a darkie dancing on a
Volkswagen."

"You can't say that over the radio." replies the operator "You have to use
correct terminology."

"OK" he says "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

Czarcasm

A guy walks into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "A whole lot, as a matter of fact.-- The Muslim one blows itself up!"