CT Lounge: The Grassy Knoll

6th

Ok this thread is for off topic banter, having a laugh etc. Please note this is not a thread for serious debate.

Mahatma coat

I've decided to start a thread for all CT related humor

this is not a licence for people to mock or ridicule, if this descends into namecallin etc I will lock the thread again and Banhamerize loads of people.

so if you have seen something or you have a link to something that is MEANT AS HUMOUR please post it here

again not to be repeating myself but if this descends into snide jibes and swipes by different factions there will be Permabans handed out.

Mahatma coat

OK So I'll start

this was posted in Humour a while ago and is what got me thinkin about this thread

CONSPIRACY THEORY TEST

(- or how crazy are you?)

How receptive are you to conspiracy theories?
Do you believe what you read in the papers or do you prefer to get your facts from the internet?
Is the truth Out There or in a secret file somewhere?
Is the real story there for all to see or known only to a shadowy cabal?
Do you swallow everything you're told or do you think They are out to get you?
And who do you think They are anyway?
Take our Conspiracy Theory test and find out.


First, we need a little information about you for our files.
What's your name? ______________

What's your e-mail address? ____________

Was that your REAL name and e-mail address?
__ Yes
__ No
__ Could be


SECTION ONE: BASICS

JFK

1. Who killed JFK?
__ Oswald acting alone
__ A conspiracy of Cuban emigres, rogue CIA elements and P2 masons
__ That Zapruder man - a camera would be a good place to conceal a weapon
__ Who cares? He killed Marilyn
__ Only a fool imagines JFK is dead

ROSWELL

2. What's the story with Roswell?
__ Imaginative hicks creating a tourist industry
__ Cover-up of aliens crash-landing
__ The military testing pioneering stealth technology
__ I haven't been watching it - not as good as Buffy


SECTION TWO: POWER

3. Who controls the world?
__ We the people
__ Multinationals
__ The Illuminati
__ The Jews
__ The Freemasons
__ The Catholics
__ The Amish
__ Aliens
__ My wife, as far as I'm concerned

4. What do They aim to do with their power?
__ Just keep things pottering along pretty much as they have been
__ Turn the world into a prison
__ Implant microchips in our heads
__ Implant alien embryos in our bodies
__ Persecute ME personally and put their thoughts in my mind
__ Make us worship Satan/Cthulhu/the eight-armed squid-god of Deneb IV
__ Use it to get the best tables in restaurants and tickets to hit shows
__ Make me redecorate the bathroom, take the garbage out and be nice to her mother


SECTION THREE

YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER

5. Is your social security number
__ A necessary means to an efficient social welfare net?
__ An unwarrantable intrusion of government into private life?
__ The fulfillment of that bit in the Book of Revelations about the Mark of the Beast?
__ The alien equivalent of a 'Best Consumed Before' date?


FLUORIDATED WATER
6. Is fluoridated water
__ Good on health grounds?
__ Bad on health grounds?
__ A Communist conspiracy to sap our moral and physical strength?
__ The alien equivalent of artificial flavouring?


CROP CIRCLES

7. What is your opinion on crop circles?
__ Just something they do to pass the time in places without bars and nightclubs
__ Messages from a sinister alien intelligence that communicates by mathematical abstractions
__ Make pretty album covers for bands like R.E.M.
__ The military testing a stealth combine harvester


CATTLE MUTILATION

8. What is your opinion on cattle mutilations?
__ Something else they do to pass the time in places without bars and nightclubs
__ Messages from a sinister alien intelligence that communicates by being mean to cows
__ Make pretty album covers for bands like Megadeth
__ The military testing a stealth combine harvester that got a bit out of control


SECTION FOUR:

MEDIA NEWSPAPERS AND TV

9. Who controls what gets into the newspapers and TV?
__ Right-wing proprietors
__ Left-wing media liberals
__ A little-known organization called Bureau X, which has outposts on seven continents and the tenth planet of the solar system


MICROSOFT

10. What is your opinion of Bill Gates?
__ Geek-boy made good
__ A hero of free enterprise, and rock n' roll and urgent sweaty sex personified
__ Megalomaniac wannabe Bond-villain who sells your private surfing information to the government
__ Actually a hairless alien freak from an advanced civilization who is running a high-tech patents scam like David Bowie in 'The Man Who Fell To Earth' in order to buy up all Earth's water for his dying planet


THE X-FILES

11. While watching an episode of 'The X-Files', you are most likely to think:
__ It's a shame those two don't get long
__ Why do I watch this crap?
__ Why does my geeky boyfriend make me watch this crap?
__ At last, a programme that tells it like it is
__ They look Jewish. Everyone in TV is Jewish
__ I was the one who had the idea for this show, but the producers stole it from my brain while I slept. I must never sleep again


THE MATRIX
12. What was your reaction to the film 'The Matrix'?
__ Keanu/the ass-kicking babe is hot
__ I just know that at the end of the film my geeky boyfriend is going to say, __ 'Hey! What if we really ARE in a Matrix?'
__ At last, a film that tells it like it is
__ I bet Keanu is Amish. Everyone in movies is Amish
SECTION FIVE: HISTORICAL

THE GREAT PYRAMIDS OF EGYPT

13. Who built the pyramids?
__ Aliens
__ The kind of work-proud contractors you just can't find these days
__ Who cares? They're made of polystyrene anyway


SHAKESPEARE

14. Who wrote the plays of Shakespeare?
__ Shakespeare
__ Bacon
__ De Vere
__ Wilhelmina Shakespeare, a female victim of a white male conspiracy
__ They will be written by a time-traveller


JACK THE RIPPER

15. Who was Jack the Ripper and why did he kill?
__ An anonymous gentleman, probably a surgeon, warped by the repressed sexuality of the era
__ An alien, to feed on psychic energy
__ A member of the Royal Family, possibly the Prince of Wales, to feed on psychic energy, because the British royal family are all aliens (look at Charles' ears for God's sake)


THE GULF WAR

16. Was the Gulf War:
__ A necessary intervention to uphold democracy and safeguard strategic interests?
__ A neo-colonialist outrage by the capitalist conspiracy in which the lives of the proletariat were sacrificed to defend oil profits?
__ Shot in the same studios where they faked the Moon Landing and the Holocaust?


SECTION SIX

SENSITIVITY TO SUBLIMINAL BRAINWASHING

17. What is a fnord?
__ A Norwegian inlet
__ An invisible hypnotic command word used by our secret rulers to provoke instinctive unease
__ What is a what? I didn't see anything. It just said, 'What is a ' and then nothing. There's a bit missing. I feel uneasy.

18. What's wrong with the following passage?

'I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and YOU nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on MUST the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start KILL to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have JOHN to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's LENNON crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.'

__ Nothing much
__ It's full of adolescent self-pity
__ You didn't ask J.D. Salinger for permission to quote it
__ I can't obey it as Lennon is already dead


SECTION SEVEN

YOUR GENERAL LEVEL OF PARANOIA

19. Your mother pays you a surprise visit. Do you:
__ Welcome her in, hug her, fix her a drink, etc?
__ Ask her if she's alone?
__ Get your alleged 'mother' in a headlock, stick a gun in her mouth and threaten to blow her head off unless she recites her maiden name and birthdate backwards in the next ten seconds?
__ Blow her head off on general principles - your real mother knows better than to visit without giving the pre-arranged code signal?
__ Chloroform her and trepan her skull to search for alien implants?

20. You're at a party and an attractive member of the opposite sex asks you for your phone number. Do you:
__ Give it to them?
__ Give them a false one?
__ Punch them in the face, leave the party quickly, change taxis twice on the way home, burn your house down and move to another country?
__ Go along with it in the hope they'll have sex with you, then blow their head off before they can betray you?
__ Get them blind drunk and trepan their skull to search for alien implants?


SECTION EIGHT

ADVANCED NUTTINESS

21. Have you ever dismantled your toaster to search for surveillance devices?
__ Yes
__ No
__ No, but I'm careful only to voice bland, happy sentiments when near it
__ Only a fool imagines toasters aren't sentient lifeforms

22. Take a long, close look at your socks. How sure are you that they're the exact same pair you put on this morning and that no-one's replaced them with a different but similar pair at some point?
__ 100% sure
__ 90% sure
__ Not at all sure, now that you mention it
__ I'm alarmed that you know I'm wearing socks
__ I'm not wearing socks as they're a government plot to stifle your chakras or something


SCORES
I've assigned numerical values to the various responses but I have no idea how to make them add up using HTML

YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORY RECEPTIVITY RATING:

-0 - 35 LOW
35 - 70 MIDDLING
Over 70 HIGH

HOW YOU RATE:

LOW - A bit complacent, aren't you? All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds, hmm? What you don't know can't hurt you. Ignorance is bliss. It won't save you. People like you will be the first against the wall when it all goes down.

MIDDLING - More savvy. Your eyes are open to the nature of the beast,
but you like to weigh up all the evidence rather than making rash uninformed pronouncements.
It still won't save you.

HIGH - You are a lunatic. Unfortunately, you are right. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you. Speaking of which, our government controllers tracked your terminal some time ago. Expect a call from men in black.

tho Im really not sure what the scoring mechanism is because I was afraidtoclick Submit:D:D:D:D:D

Nick_oliveri

18. What's wrong with the following passage?

'I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and YOU nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on MUST the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start KILL to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have JOHN to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's LENNON crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.'

__ Nothing much
__ It's full of adolescent self-pity
__ You didn't ask J.D. Salinger for permission to quote it
__ I can't obey it as Lennon is already dead

Thats very clever. Great starter there Mahatma.

The scoring system is done like so in every question i would assume.
__ Nothing much (1 point)
__ It's full of adolescent self-pity(2 points)
__ You didn't ask J.D. Salinger for permission to quote it(3 points)
__ I can't obey it as Lennon is already dead(4 points)

20. You're at a party and an attractive member of the opposite sex asks you for your phone number. Do you:
__ (1 point)Give it to them?
__ (2 points)Give them a false one?
__ (3 points)Punch them in the face, leave the party quickly, change taxis twice on the way home, burn your house down and move to another country?
__ (4 points)Go along with it in the hope they'll have sex with you, then blow their head off before they can betray you?
__ (5 points)Get them blind drunk and trepan their skull to search for alien implants?

Although you could assume that if you chose the first one it should be a null value. (0-3 or 0-4)

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Which lightbulb?

Diogenes

If you're incapable of laughing at yourself, you've already failed.

Mahatma coat

OK about time to bring this thread down another level



Lolcats

Kama

Black Helicopters are no joke!

What Are Black Helicopters?

Black Helicopters (BH) are not just helicopters with a black paint-job as you may have been told. They are, in fact, autonomous agents -- lifeforms -- created by New World Order (NWO) agencies via nanobiotechnology. Their primary purpose is to spy on the activities of average citizens in order to gather tactical information and discover "subversives" who are not bowing to the will of the Liberati's UN-backed Federal Government. Furthermore, when the NWO Invasion takes place in the not-too-distant future, they will round up citizens for internment in concentration camps or carry out the elimination of the more vocally anti-Liberati.
Reproduction, Development, & Lifestyle Of Black Helicopters


Artist rendition of MBH traveling in blood stream.

A JBH hovering over pinecones in Cascadian forest, clearly up to no good. (Photo recovered in 2003 from charred remains of hiker found still clutching camera.)




Black Helicopters have a complex reproductive cycle with different phases. They start out as seed crystals that are injected into a biological host organism -- typically cattle but occasionally humans -- by either human technicians or other Black Helicopters. It has also been theorized that seed crystals have been sprayed from military and possibly civil aircraft in the form of so-called "chemtrails", which then enter the body of a host via the food and/or water supply or direct dermal contact. The inoculated seed crystal uses nanobiotechnology -- which incorporates nano-scale self-manufacturing robotics with biological control systems created using genetic engineering -- to grow with material synthesized from the host's organs. After being injected into the head of a cattle, typically the seed crystal enters the blood stream where it travels to the intestines, along the way gathering various needed compounds from different systems. Once there, it quickly develops into a Microscopic Black Helicopter (MBH).

Mahatma coat

I love XKCD


who needs YouTube whenyou have MS Paint


and of course what would a CT Page be without the NWO Explained graphicaly

Mahatma coat

I like this


although my Avatar may LOOK like a chicken it is actually a VERY cleverly disguised Penguin

Oracle

The Current Level is:

Saibh

Mahatma coat

courtesy of XKCD again

Mahatma coat

OK I've been deliberatin this one for a bit, these are some posts from the Dark side of humor, I think they fit here.

Sofa_King Good

http://www.matthewgood.org/2009/01/birds-linked-to-al-qaeda-attack-plane/

tony 2 tone

Aye Matey!

swimgal08

Its true

http://www.topgear.com/us/blog/more/...g-is-revealed/



..................................................................................................................................................\/

Mahatma coat

Following on from a PM request I thought it might be a good Idea to have anOf topic/Chat thread

Standard rules apply

No Flaming, no Baiting, no Running Diving Bombing, no Spittin on the floor

Play nice

The title of the thread is just nominal at the moment, Suggestions welcome.

so hang yer Tinfoil hats on the stand by the door and lets get to know each other a bit better in a neutral and friendly environment.






This Post will be edited as we go along to add any rules/guidelines that are agreed upon.

Mahatma coat

RIght So

Whats everyone up to

Mahatma coat

W00t, its Beer O'Clock saturday afternoon.

I'm of down to the farm for the Australia Day Weekend, We have invited about a dozen others for a Beer, Barbeque and Build Weekend ( we may have neglected to mention the Build bit :D), taking me Cruiser down too So I can do a bit of BushBashin,

See ye all on Tuesday unless I can get the Satelite Broadband reconnected.

MC







Lads I expect to see some form of atempt at civilised social interaction (AKA Chat) in this thread by the time I get back :D;):D:D

Mahatma coat

Lets start of with a Name the Thread comp

Winner gets the Kudos of being the one who Names the thread

Simple really

come on fire out your weirdest funniest craziest titles

Nick_oliveri

Is Bushbashin some Aussie thing or the outgoing "presidents" inevitible legacy?
Im sick

Sofa_King Good

Nick_oliveri wrote: »

Is Bushbashin some Aussie thing or the outgoing "presidents" inevitible legacy?
Im sick

Hope its some Aussie thing. When I read it I though it was some anti-euphemuistic term for sex,maybe I am the one who is sick though.

Mahatma coat

:D:D:D:D:D:D
Just to Clarify

'BushBashin' : The art of Hoonin about in a Large 4X4 Through the outback, knockin over Trees/Roos/Geographic Features and generaly acktin the mick in a LandCruiser, often combined with the Racing of other Large 4X4's

Comes with rather Hefty Carbon Footprint and may includse pricey repair bills

Nick_oliveri

Bah, I dont know what to believe R.E global warming, but thats not for this thread really is it. Today, I will be so lazy, not arsed even collecting my dole.

humanji

I found this on Charlie Brooker's page on the Guardian site, so thought I'd post it. Granted, it's a little scathing towards Theorists, but then again, Brooker is scathing towards everyone.

This is about the new Conspiracy Theorists channel.

Charlie Brooker wrote:

Ask anyone with a Sky box: the problem with the multi-channel universe is how samey it all is. Hundreds of stations pumping out the same palliative mulch.

But every so often a new start-up channel emerges with a leftfield agenda. It's always worth tuning in once, just for the surprise value. There was Isle Of Wight TV, which seems to have vanished now. And SoundTV, which consisted of old-school variety and interviews with Richard Digance. That's gone too. These rogue stations don't tend to last long.

Well here's a new one: Edge Media TV (Sky Channel 200), "a platform for alternative and suppressed viewpoints". In other words, it's chock-full of conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theorists need to believe their viewpoints are being suppressed, rather than, say, assessed and dismissed as ropey and ludicrous. Which makes a channel devoted to spreading these viewpoints a bit of a paradox. If "the system" was even 1% as efficient and sinister as they believe, their station wouldn't exist.

But it does, broadcasting programmes with titles like Question Everything and Hidden Agenda, and a talkshow called Esoteria, which according to the host is "a SHOW, not a PROGRAMME - we aim to SHOW you alternative viewpoints rather than PROGRAM you to accept a particular point of view". He must be proud of that bit of mind-expanding wordplay because he repeats it quite a lot. A bit like he's programming you, actually.

And herein lies the tragedy. The other day I tuned in to Eerie Investigations, in which the host, a strangely simpering woman with Eerie Investigations printed on her T-shirt, conducted vox-pop interviews with people at an anti-ID card rally. There are a thousand valid reasons for opposing ID cards and questioning everything the government does, but instead both the host and her interviewees spent most of their time talking about how we're all going to have microchips planted in our heads as part of the New World Order (which, naturally, orchestrated the 9/11 attacks), intermittently breaking from this theme to dismiss the general public as idiotic, docile sheep with such towering self-assurance it made you actively wonder whether labouring under a fascist police state in which government computers monitored your dreams and doled out electric shocks each time you had a subversive thought would be preferable to living in freedom alongside these massive ****.

Maybe "****" is a bit harsh. These are essentially clever people gone wrong. Having learned to mistrust the powers that be, they take a giant leap, mistaking bossiness and incompetence for ultra-organised and sinister plotting - and then compound the error by mistaking themselves for journalists or scientists. The result is a depressing descent into fairytales backed with risible "evidence"; fairytales told with the defensive assertion that anyone who doesn't believe them is a shill or a sheep.

Consider Ludicrous Diversion, an Edge Media documentary which implies the 7/7 bombers weren't really bombers at all, but patsies framed by "the system". Rather than offering any hard evidence for this startling claim, it highlights minor anomalies in the official version of events, the police's reluctance to release CCTV footage, and references to past miscarriages of justice such as the Guildford Four, then expects the viewer to add two and two to make 25. It's like a lazy and badly made Power Of Nightmares, convincing only to the eagerly paranoid.

In-between the programmes, there are adverts for Cillit Bang (whose exact role in the New World Order has yet to be established) and a seven-hour - yes, SEVEN HOUR - "DVD presentation" from David Icke, in which he tells the viewer how the world really works. And presumably apologises for not employing an editor.

In summary: it's bunkum. But then I would say that, wouldn't I? I'm a mainstream media shill. They've got to me already. And now they're coming for YOU.

Nick_oliveri

^^Sky channel 200. Theres a UK "Ufo victim" documentary on at 3, might give it a gander.

Mahatma coat

Word Brother, I am gettin lazier and lazier meself recently too, watched over an hour of absolute mind numbin shoite on the telly last night cos I were too lazy to get up and look for the Remote.

Mahatma coat

was it any good Nick? is it worth a quick Google

espinolman

A very good 1993 video about chip implantation and the new world order:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKr4uAUxot4