One-Liner Jokes

Bootup

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in France?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.



Q. What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A. Pump kin.



Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A. A scrotum pole!

EdgarAllenPoo

I found out today that flicking water at your wife while yelling "The power of Christ compels you!" has no effect on her period.

Bootup

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

RichieO

Doctor I'm contsipated, Doctor:- "No Sh*t"

Bootup

A charity pantomine in aid of paranoid schizophrenics decended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted "He's behind you!!"

Sully34

TUTS wrote: »

What has two legs and bleeds ?

Half a dog.




Why do seagulls have wings ?

To beat the Knackers to the dump.

Racist

MonkieSocks

Doctors believe that men think about sex every 7 seconds.


I try to eat a hotdog in 6, just so it doesn't get weird...!!

Bootup

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Hilly Bill

Sully34 wrote: »

Racist

Thats the funniest one liner yet

Ash.J.Williams

Sully34 wrote: »

TUTS wrote: »

What has two legs and bleeds ?

Half a dog.




Why do seagulls have wings ?

To beat the Knackers to the dump.

Racist

Dogs aren't a race

Bootup

Just got back from my mate's funeral.He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.It was a lovely service.

RobbingBandit

Why is Ireland really broke?

Bertie backed the wrong horse!

Hilly Bill

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

Dogs aren't a race

They are if they are numbered from 1to6 and chasing a fake rabbit .

Bootup

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A whine and cheese party

VenomousFish

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
-Mitch Hedberg-

Bootup

Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.

Sunnyisland

Cowboy: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"


Cowboy: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

Bootup

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Sunnyisland

I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES you ****ing idiot !!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

Bootup

WHAT'S the difference between a pregnant women and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.



Organizers of the first "National Orgasm Week" held this year were very disappointed with the results. It seems at least three-quarters of the women involved just pretended to celebrate it.



Q. Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage?
A. She was strapped for cash.

Q. What does an atheist shout when she's having an orgasm?
A. "Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A. When her favorite sexual position is next door.

Q. What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?
A. A proctologist waits on one asshole at a time.



Why do women like wearing black panties? It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those who were buried here"



What happens when you take Viagra and Prozac at the same time? You get a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

tfitzgerald

When on a first date, I love to snatch a kiss. Or vice versa.

Bootup

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?

Trampas

as good friday is upon us i think its time for us to remember that poor long haired man who died on the end of the cross


happy easter andy carroll

Bootup

2 rats in the sewer having lunch,one of them is moaning."I'm sick of this, breakfast is ****, lunch is **** and dinner is ****!""Oh stop moaning" the other rat replies "we're out on the piss later"

Porkpie

My doctor told me to stop masturbating.
I asked him 'why'.

He said 'I'm trying to examine you'.

matthewspook7

Did you hear about the chinese couple that got a divorce? She went back to Peking and he went back to ****



what did the mexican firefighter call his two children? Hose A and Hose B (Jose)

Bootup

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day..... even the cake was in tiers

Xenophile

Barman to the customer, I wouldn't bother with them two chicks! They are Lesbians!

Customer: I don't care where they are from. Well girls what are ye having....;);)...How are things in Lesbia?

Bootup

I found my step ladder last night,My real ladder left me when I was 4

EdgarAllenPoo

I've never run with the bulls in Spain. But I was outside the door of a Curves when the fire alarm went off once.