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One-Liner Jokes



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,225 ✭✭✭JackKelly

    what does snoopdog use to wash his clothes?

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,010 ✭✭✭littleninja

    A man walked into a bar...... that must have hurt

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,537 ✭✭✭joseph brand

    @littleninja, I hate you so very very much. That joke was only metioned 5 or more times, ye plonker.:mad: :mad: :mad:

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 488 ✭✭smoking_kills

    whats the difference between a whore house and a circus.

    a circus is a cunning aray of stunts......

    guy goes into a bakers, askes for a slice pan, baker says brown or white, guy says, dosent matter, i have my bike outside

    whats the difference between a monkey and a gorilla??
    a snake has no armpits.......!!!!!

  • Registered Users Posts: 28 Boy Gorgeous

    Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman, and Paddy Scotsman walk into a bar. Barman goes : "Is this a joke?"

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 849 ✭✭✭Liquorice

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    He was dead.

    Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
    He was tied to the first monkey.

    Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
    He thought it was a game.

    Why did the rhinocerous fall out of the tree?
    He thought he was a monkey.

    Why did the girl fall off her bike?
    A fridge hit her.

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,481 ✭✭✭Vader

    Originally posted by Scarlett

    Why did the girl fall off her bike?
    A fridge hit her.
    perfect untill that one, its been done before

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12 Shamez Zeb

    whats black and yellow and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you

    A JCB:D

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,236 ✭✭✭AL][EN

    Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    A: 45 pounds.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,236 ✭✭✭AL][EN

    and just so you know im not sexist

    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 687 ✭✭✭kano476

    whats the definition of a yankee? same as a quickee only you can do it yourself!

    why did michael fall off the bike? because he was a fish.

  • Registered Users Posts: 414 ✭✭Paddyo

    My first attempt

    Two nuns in a bath - ones says to the other - wheres the soap - the other says - yes, it does, doesnt it.

    A gay astronaut wrote a book on returning form space - 'Out of orbit and into Herbert'

    What do yo call a fly without wings - a walk


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23 Coolz

    Not one liners but here goes...

    why did the electrician use his step ladder?
    cos he didn't like his real ladder.


    what's E.T. short for?
    cos he's got little legs.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,704 ✭✭✭Xterminator

    Why was the bride smiling as she walked down the aisle?
    Cause she knew she'd given her last blow job!

    (True! True!)


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight

    Two nuns in a dark room one says wheres the candle
    the other says - yes, it does, doesnt it.

    This electrician arrived home at 3am
    The wife says "wire you insulate?"

  • Moderators, Education Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 4,436 Mod ✭✭✭✭Suaimhneach

    why did the man cross the road?
    he heard the chicken was a slut.

    why did the girl fall of the swing?
    she had no arms

    why didnt she get back up
    she had no legs

    many more to come...

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,315 ✭✭✭A-Trak

    One for the elephant lovers...

    Did you hear about the elephant with diarreah?
    It was all over town.

    And on that note I'll bow out and introduce my good friend...............Ladies and gentlemen, the king 'o One Liners...
    Rodney Dangerfield!!

    A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

    If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

    And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

    During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

    One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early.

    Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

    I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

    My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

    When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through.

    My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

    I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.

    Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

    On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

    I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

    My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

    When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

    I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    *Standing Ovation*

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7 Jaymac23

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and a terrorist?
    You can negotiate with a terrorist...

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...
    Get it out with Optrex...Spike Milligan(circa1970..)

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 579 ✭✭✭Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe

    this is fowl but im sure it can be understood as a joke...

    and i do apologise....

    why dont knackers go for smear tests??

    have you ever tried to open a toasted cheese sandwich??



    did any of ye ever see stevie wonders wife??




  • Registered Users Posts: 2,190 ✭✭✭UnrealQueen

    That toasted cheese sandwich one is DISGUSTING!!!!! :eek:

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,441 ✭✭✭The_Goose

    Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight
    Two nuns in a dark room one says wheres the candle
    the other says - yes, it does, doesnt it.

    dont get it

  • Registered Users Posts: 352 ✭✭davil

    How d'ya make a dog drink??

    Stick him in a blender!!!!

    Not a one liner but helluva funny.

  • Registered Users Posts: 310 ✭✭rocco

    I like the cheese sambo one class

  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    why did the unbrella go to see a psychologist ?

    cause he was having trouble opening up

  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    why wasn't the boxer invited to any christmas parties ?

    cause he was always getting punch drunk

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 16,793 ✭✭✭✭Hagar

    What goes "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?

    Hellen Keller with a Rubix cube.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,790 ✭✭✭Linoge

    A man walked into a bar...... that must have hurt

    If I see another one of those jokes I'm gonna go crazy.

    Q. What do knackers use for protection when they're having sex?
    Ans. A bus shelter.

    Something to add which will make me unpopular no doubt:

    Feel free to change "knackers" to "Dubliners", it works just as well........

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 579 ✭✭✭Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe

    my joke about the toasted cheese sandwich is NOT to be laughed at.

    all you are allowed to do is post


    NO LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 16,793 ✭✭✭✭Hagar

    Did you know that a woman is raped every 7 minutes in New York,
    and she is getting f*ucking sick of it.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 15,117 ✭✭✭✭MrJoeSoap

    Two sausages are in a frying pan, one turns to the other and says "Jeez, its getting hot in here". The other one says "AAAAAAGH, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!"

    Absolute Genius.