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One-Liner Jokes

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  • i went to my psyciatrist and he said im a paranoid schizophrenic, but we think hes lying.

    whats the difference between BSE and PMS?
    ones a mad cow and the others an agricultural problem.


    during an operation the nurse turns to the doctor and says " doctor weve lost the patient"
    doctor: "well he couldent have gotten far, he was under the sheet a second ago"

    Groucho Marx: " ive never met a person i dident like, but for you im willing to make an exception."




  • A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on
    the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and
    brings it into the car.

    She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

    He says, "Put it between your legs."

    She says, "What about the smell?"

    He says, "Hold its nose."




  • Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
    Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
    Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
    Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
    Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
    Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
    Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
    Eye Drops Off Shelf
    Teachers Strike Idle Kids
    Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
    Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
    Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
    Miners Refuse To Work After Death
    Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
    Stolen Painting Found By Tree
    Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
    Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
    Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
    War Dims Hope For Peace
    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
    Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
    Deer Kill 17,000
    Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
    Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
    New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
    Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
    Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
    Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
    Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
    New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
    Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
    Weather causes a Storm.
    Man who lost left leg and arm in crash is all right now
    Three types of people those who can count and those who cant.
    Suicide Bomber may strike again.
    Any1 kno the speed of dark then??
    What colour does a smurf go if you choke one??




  • A sausage and egg are in a frying pan. The sausage roils over and say to the egg “Hot in here isn’t it!” The egg says “AHHHH A talking sausage”




  • What do call a bloke with no legs and no arms in a swimming pool...... Bob!


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  • What do you call a posh condom?


    Jonathon!




  • Whats black and white and eats liie a horse?


    A zebra.




  • what is the fastest thing in the world?
    a ethiopian after a breadvan

    whats the saddest thing in the world?
    the breadvans empty




  • Homer: "If I could just say a few words.....I'd be a better public speaker."




  • I made this joke up myself:) (that is why it's so [email protected]:D)

    Twins: Armagh won the All Ireland

    Other person: Ah I always knew she was a fine woman


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  • A truck load of Viagra toppled into the Liffey earlier today.
    There will be traffic delays in the area as Gardaí are still trying to close the East Link bridge.




  • i finally found a woman just like my mother,
    i brought her home, my father doesn't like her!




  • why isnt chris doran going to the eurovision?
    he's a bad travellar.......




  • RIng of Power

    In the movie, "Lord of the Rings" why does the Ring of Power glow?
    Because it gets fingered by the Hobbit.




  • An Post have withdrawn plans to put Grainne Seoige on a stamp.
    A spokesman said "Half the men in the country would lick the wrong side"




  • Chris Doran is to release a cover version of a classic Garth Brooks track. It's called "I've got friends in Hiaces"




  • This one was in some movie

    "Have you ever been killed?" (said when ya manno is going to kill the guy)




  • How do you know when there's an elephant in your bed?

    It's the one with the 'E' on it's pyjamas


    (Say when wasted ONLY!!)




  • Originally posted by Ragamuffin
    This one was in some movie

    "Have you ever been killed?" (said when ya manno is going to kill the guy)

    Nightwatch?




  • Originally posted by Silent Death
    Nightwatch?

    I saw it a few days ago. It might of been called that... actually it probably was :)


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  • My girlfriend wanted a double entendre, so I gave her one.




  • ONE PIKIE TO ANOTHER IS THERE A B&Q IN TALLAGHT THE OTHER ONE REPLIES NO BUT I THINK THERES AN S&Q.




  • Originally posted by muffy moon
    ONE PIKIE TO ANOTHER IS THERE A B&Q IN TALLAGHT THE OTHER ONE REPLIES NO BUT I THINK THERES AN S&Q.

    I don't get that!! Am I losing my touch????




  • There's no point in explaining it, as the joke has just gone over your head it happens to people some times.




  • Originally posted by muffy moon
    There's no point in explaining it, as the joke has just gone over your head it happens to people some times.

    Well obviously there's nothing to explain then!!!




  • What do you call a Protitute with a runny nose ??

    Full.




  • If you laid all the worlds economists end to end - they wouldn't reach a conclusion.




  • a friend told me she was a compulsive liar........
    but i did'nt believe her!!!




  • Did ya hear about the dyslexic pimp?

    -He bought a wharehouse.

    What kind of bees produce milk?

    -BOObees!


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  • the baker had brown hands because he kneeded a poo


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