Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on [email protected] for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact [email protected]

One-Liner Jokes

12357188

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 579 ✭✭✭Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe


    two S*A*R*S are sitting in a petri dish.
    one turns to the other jesus im starving.
    the otherone says tell me about it. id murder a chinese.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,823 ✭✭✭Horsefumbler


    Originally posted by MrJoeSoap
    Two sausages are in a frying pan, one turns to the other and says "Jeez, its getting hot in here". The other one says "AAAAAAGH, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!"
    But wouldn't that make him a talking sausage? This joke can be told adifferent way, like with an animal and a person. Sorry but this had to be addressed.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,088 ✭✭✭BioHazRd


    Originally posted by Horsefumbler
    But wouldn't that make him a talking sausage? This joke can be told adifferent way, like with an animal and a person. Sorry but this had to be addressed.

    Horsefumbler, this is an old joke - not real life:rolleyes:

    These one liners are for a giggle, not for deep analysis. I think some people need to get out more.

    Bio


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,191 ✭✭✭Unpossible


    pobodys nerfect!!!

    <teacher>what happened to your program?
    <me> K9 error, my dog ate it
    (sorry)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 28 wishlist.ie


    why do nude female parachutists wear tampons???

    it stops em whistling on the way down!!

    :D


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 482 ✭✭heffo9


    did you here the one about the kerry man who invented the toilet, it was a dub who put the hole in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    when myra hindley and two children were walking up the moors, the two children said "myra we're scared", she replied "you's are scared, i have to walk back on me own!!!!!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 329 ✭✭Walter Ego


    I wanted to be Ireland's first masochist but someone beat me to it.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,337 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    She was only a poteen makers daughter - but he loved her still.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 329 ✭✭Walter Ego


    I asked Santa for something to wear and something to play with.
    He left me a pair of trousers with a hole in the pocket.


  • Registered Users Posts: 496 ✭✭trilo


    This is my favouite joke and the one joke i only remember.. its good...i think... no actually its brilliant..

    why are blond bimbo jokes so short?

    so men can remember them....

    hee hee


  • Advertisement
  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,337 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

    What do you call someone who makes rash decisions ?
    A dermatologist.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,337 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
    Noel, Noel


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,164 ✭✭✭Space Coyote


    That joke makes me wanna cry blood ! Oh the pain. :dunno:

    Hey new smiley...wuhoo ! :dunno:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 329 ✭✭Walter Ego


    She was only an architect's daughter but she let the Borough Surveyor.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,481 ✭✭✭Vader


    Originally posted by Silent Death
    She was only an architect's daughter but she let the Borough Surveyor.

    omg thats shít


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,337 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I wanted to be a milkman, but my plans turned sour.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Music Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 4,493 Mod ✭✭✭✭Blade


    What do you call a horse with only two legs?









    Clip.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,337 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    All horses have 6 legs ! - two legs at the back and forelegs in front.


  • Registered Users Posts: 371 ✭✭plastic_axe


    whats blue and white and cant climb trees?

    a fridge in a denim jacket.


    a woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one!


    a priest, a rabbi and the pope go into a bar and the barman says "what is this, a joke?"


  • Registered Users Posts: 366 ✭✭Jk_Eire


    Why didnt the lifeguard save the hippy.......?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    He was too far out


  • Advertisement
  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,337 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How do you circumcise a whale?
    With four skin divers!


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,059 ✭✭✭the whole year inn


    What do gay horses eat?

    hay (to be said in a gay voice and use appropriate hand movements)

    gob_smacked


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,337 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call someone who thinks they are an opera singer ?

    Placebo Domingo


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 329 ✭✭Walter Ego


    First Atom: I think I have lost an electron.
    Second Atom: Are you sure?
    First Atom: I'm positive.


  • Registered Users Posts: 88 ✭✭Mr Grumpy


    Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

    Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.

    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

    A man walks into a pub.

    He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

    Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

    She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

    What do you call a cat with no tail?

    A Manx cat.

    Why do undertakers wear ties?

    Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

    How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

    One.

    Why do women fake orgasms?

    Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

    Two men are sitting in a pub.

    One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

    The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

    What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

    Being raped.


    Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.


    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

    Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭KlodaX


    lol .. . its funny cause its TRUE!!?!?!?!


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,172 ✭✭✭✭kmart6


    Originally posted by Mr Grumpy
    Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

    Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.


    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

    A man walks into a pub.

    He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

    Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

    She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

    What do you call a cat with no tail?

    A Manx cat.

    Why do undertakers wear ties?

    Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

    How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

    One.

    Why do women fake orgasms?

    Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

    Two men are sitting in a pub.

    One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

    The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

    What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

    Being raped.


    Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.


    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

    Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


    You should be banned for them:mad:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,481 ✭✭✭Vader


    posted before under the title "unjokes". There are rules against spamming even if there are none for being an orsehole.


  • Registered Users Posts: 88 ✭✭Mr Grumpy


    Originally posted by Vader
    posted before under the title "unjokes". There are rules against spamming even if there are none for being an orsehole.

    Seeing as I only posted it once then it hardly qualifies as spamming. Other jokes have been repeated multiple times in this thread alone. Orsehole.

    kmart. You should be banned for quoting a big chunk of text like that to voice your unrequired opinion. At least I contributed something relevant to the thread.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 26 kenmobrien


    did you hear about the dyslexic (ok I can't spell) guy who walks into a bra?


Advertisement