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One-Liner Jokes

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  • Zig & Zag books rule!!

    Why does Zuppy have a flat nose?? From chasing parked cars!!! :D




  • whats red and invisible?

    no tomatoes.




  • what do you call a man with no hair?

    Bald!




  • Why do they call them Wonderbras? Because when you take it off you wonder where your tits went.




  • Three baby seals walked into a club....


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  • hmmm can't think of any good one-liners.....but here's a few anyway

    I used to be conceited but now i'm just perfect!

    bad spellers of the world unitgt!

    autopsy is a dying trend




  • she can look through a keyhole with both eyes..

    Pretensious ! Moi ?

    What is the differance betwee mash potatoes and peanuts ?
    You can mash potatoes




  • "Jesus lads, I'm so hungry I could eat the balls off of a low flying seagull".

    Had a few chuckles when I heard my mammy saying that...




  • - have you ever seen the size of moth balls ?




  • Whats the difference between a basin and a bison?
    You can wash your hands in one and the other is a south american buffalo.


    (ah, the only joke I remember from the Fozzie Bear page of the 1978 Muppet Show Annual, oh how I rue the day that I returned home to find that my mother had thrown that book out....)


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  • From the king of the one-liner, Tommy Cooper ... :D

    I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

    So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?".
    I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

    So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

    Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school
    bags, he's bisatchel.

    So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
    "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said
    "You're closest".


    The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her
    up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

    So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
    complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

    So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

    You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
    catholic converter.

    So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
    barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".




  • whats the difference between eggs and a blowjob?


    you can beat eggs...




  • I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn. anyone?"


    I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker


    I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off


    Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.




  • Two gays walkin down the road,
    One turns to other and says, "it's lovely out isn't it?"
    The other replies, "yes, but you can put it back now"

    hee hee hee




  • <snip>

    what do you call a dog with no legs?
    anything you want

    what do you call a dog with no back legs and brass balls?
    sparky

    what did the sea say to the shore?
    nothing it just waved




  • Why does the river liffey run thru dublin?
    Cause if it walked it'd get mugged.

    What do you call a skanger in a white shell-suit?
    The bride.




  • Heres 10c, go phone all your friends and bring me back the change!

    Three blondes walk into a building, you'd think one of them would have noticed it!

    Why did the chicken cross the road? He had a phobia of pavements!

    A blonde and a brunette are walking down a road, the brunette stops and says "aww, look at that cute dead bird", the blonde looks up and says"where?"

    A blonde and a brunette are watching the nine o'clock news. There is a man on the edge of a bridge preparing to comit suicide. The brunette says "I bet you €5 he's going to jump", The blonde replies "youre on!". The man jumps. The brunette says "don't give me the money, I cheated, I saw this report earlier." the blonde replies "no, take it, I saw the report earlier too, I just didn't think he'd do the same thing twice!"




  • Ladies and Gentlemen. Spike Milligan..

    St. Peter to the Grim Reaper: 'I said Spike *Lee*, you imbecile'!"

    "My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."

    "I can speak Esperanto like a native."

    "Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."

    "How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

    "Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"

    "A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

    "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

    "If you kill me, I promise you will never take me alive!"

    "Education isn't everything - for a start it isn't an elephant."

    "I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

    "Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen."

    "Mr Krempe had huge ears which looked like people looking over his shoulders"

    "When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts."

    On receiving a lifetime achievement comedy award at the age of 76, a letter praising him from Prince Charles was read out - and in front of millions of TV viewers, Milligan declared: "Little grovelling bastard... "

    On his refusal to swear the oath of allegiance, which deprived him of a British passport (though he did have an Irish one)... when Prince Charles pointed out that even he had to swear the oath and urged him to think again, Milligan replied: "Yes, but it's your mother isn't it? You don't get board and lodging at Buckingham Palace if you don't swear an oath."

    On receiving an honorary CBE : "I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a commander of the British empire. They might as well make me a commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists..."

    Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

    Navy, n. An army entirely surrounded by water

    And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. And God saw the light and it was good; He saw the quarterly bill and that was not good.

    (French Translation) - Apéritif: a set of dentures.

    You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
    -- (Puckoon, 1963)

    Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

    I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

    Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

    I hope Harry Secombe dies before me because I don't want him singing at my funeral

    I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke

    It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't

    I went to Naples to see Vesuvius and would you believe it, the bloody fools had let it go out

    Once at the airport I leaped onto a conveyor belt just as the luggage was coming through. When the airport police arrived I said to them, 'Just one more round and I promise to get off. I've always wanted to do this, all my life'

    I have three A-levels: one in pure mathematics and one in applied mathematics

    The British Army Works like this - If you hang a man and he dies, keep hanging him until he gets used to it

    I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens

    Steve Wright (Radio 2 DJ): You're looking very well, Spike.
    Spike: Rubbish, I've been dead for years, and nobody's brave enough to tell me.




  • My favs:

    What do u call Postman Pat when he retires?

    Pat

    Why r Hurricanes called after women?

    Coz they are wet and wild when they cum and they take ur house n car when they leave.

    What have a breakfast cereal n a leprechaun have in common?

    Weetoes

    i make no apologies for the above coz they make me laugh.




  • 1,1 was a horse, 1,2 was 1,2 / 1,1,1,1 race & 1,2,1,1,2 !


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  • Capt'n Midnight
    1,1 was a horse, 1,2 was 1,2 / 1,1,1,1 race & 1,2,1,1,2 !
    what????:confused:




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  • Made perfect sense straight off.




  • Germans buying eggs and ham:
    F.U.N.E.X.?
    S.V.F.X.
    F.U.N.E.M.?
    S.V.F.M.

    The bar was packed! don't get me started on the jacks:
    L.O.L.O.A.Q.I.C.I.8.2.Q.B.4.I.P.


    RC




  • <snip>

    whats green and sits in the corner?

    the incredible sulk.




  • Guys 'n' gals

    lets keep it civil around here, I don't want to have to go editing posts and banning people on a daily basis. Please use a little cop on.

    The charter is there to be read !!

    aftershock banned for a month for his racist joke (this is is second time to be banned - next time it's permanent)

    alienhead banned for a week for posting a dead baby joke.

    Bio




  • what you call postman pat unemployed?....








    pat




  • Germans buying eggs and ham: (condensed version)
    F.U.N.E.X.R.M.2.D?
    S.V.F.X.N.M.4.U

    How do you recognise good rabbit stew ? - there's no hairs in it.




  • Witchie. What have a breakfast cereal n a leprechaun have in common? Weetoes

    Very cheeky.

    But I like it. :)


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  • whats gray and comes in pints!

    an elephant

    someone was looking for elephant jokes earlier

    how do u hide elephants in a jungle

    paint his balls red and hide him in a cherry tree

    whats the loudest noise in the jungle

    giraffs eating cherrys


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