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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments



  • Re: spamming orsehole etc.

    I p*ss*d myself laughing. Very droll and very dry, but damn funny. I have to agree with yu grumpy, Kmart, posting the whole message again is an act of foolishness. You would have gained a better grip on your arguement had you not done that.




  • me nextdoor neighbour has a dog with no legs......

    he named the dog Woodbine

    come's home every night and takes him out for a drag...... :D




  • How do you make a cat go woof ? - First dowse it in petrol, then ....

    (not quite a one liner)
    How do you make a dog go meow ? - Tie it to the bumper of car and head out to the M50 when you pass by a pedistrian will hear a sound like Meeooooowwwwww




  • What is the difference between a dog and a fox?






    ...about 6 pints.




  • Originally posted by kmart6
    You should be banned for them:mad:

    I agree. Anyone who found Mr Grumpy's 'jokes' funny seriously need psychiatric attention. They are both cruel and downright sick.
    As for my contribution to this thread:

    What do you get if you turn a blonde upside down?
    A brunette with bad breath!


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  • Originally posted by UnrealQueen
    I agree. Anyone who found Mr Grumpy's 'jokes' funny seriously need psychiatric attention. They are both cruel and downright sick.

    If you get a minute to drag yourself away from reviewing the state of our collective mental health and trying to get me banned you might perhaps take a minute to read the Humour Board Charter.
    ...Also folks - I do not want to see abuse because you didn't like their joke or it's been posted before. Even if this is the worst joke you've ever heard, please don't make a post saying "That's crap!" or whatever. Instead, please use the rating system build into the boards software... Posting something that breaks these rules will result in a 1 week ban and you'll go on my list...




  • did u hear about the deformed cigarette ?

    he was always the butt of the other cigarettes jokes :)




  • Mr Grumpy, things that are sick should never be posted, the principle is that if its considered disturbing you dont post it eg a dead baby joke .

    Im not going to give this whole thread a bad rating because you ruined it. Im pissed off not because your sick or your jokes are crap but because this is the second time you posted them even though they got a terrible response last time.

    Judging from your nick you just a tired old prune who wants to upset ppl. Fúck off!

    *Me waits for a witty response like "No you fúck off" or "Your gay".




  • Hmmm, interesting topic this, and worthy of debate (in an adult fashion).

    Some people would classify certain jokes as sick or offensive. A large percentage of all jokes contain references that would offend someone, somewhere. And peoples tastes and beliefs differ. So how does one define what a "sick joke" is? (The answer "Mr Grumpys obviously are!" is not sufficent or a good argument).

    A lot of joke sites contain the disclaimer "some of the jokes may be sick, offensive, etc, so if you don't like that sort of thing, you'd be rather foolish to go any further" or similar. Is that enough?

    I'm interested to see this discussed, maybe move to a more appropriate forum later.

    Al.




  • Originally posted by Vader
    Im pissed off not because your sick or your jokes are crap but because this is the second time you posted them even though they got a terrible response last time.

    As I have posted the jokes only once I would suggest that you are either mistaken or have a problem with basic numeracy. Therefore your feelings of being pissed off must come from some other deep seated nature.
    Judging from your nick you just a tired old prune who wants to upset ppl. Fúck off!

    Perhaps you should use the force to read my other posts in other threads first before judging me. If we were all to be judged by our nicks' then it would indeed be a surreal world.
    *Me waits for a witty response like "No you fúck off" or "Your gay". !

    Sorry but a sore back prevents me from stooping that low.


    That's the second time you have accused me incorrectly of spamming and the second time you've been personally offensive. I'd like you to stop both please.

    I have nothing more to contribute to this mini-thread within a thread.

    Sorry for interrupting the thread

    /back on-topic


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  • yeah, i think we should just forget the whole last page. Lets get on with some jokes!...




  • ill start the ball rolling again so...but i will have to say, Mr. Grumpy's jokes were brilliant!

    Whens the only time you wink at a knacker?

    When your aiming at him ;-)




  • What separates humans from animals?

    .....



    .....

    The Liffey!




  • One you have all forgotten is the old goodfellas classics:

    Take my wife.....please!

    I take her everywhere but she always finds her way back home.

    She said this year she wanted to go somewhere she'd never been - I said try the kitchen.




  • Originally posted by Evil_Bilbo
    What separates humans from animals?

    .....



    .....

    The Liffey!


    :D



    Oh and Mr. Grumpy's jokes! :D:D:D:D:D:D

    Lighten up people!!!!



    B.




  • This one met a chinese waiter at a disco - so they go back to his gaff and when he asked her what she wanted she said a 69 and he says "I'm not bleeding cooking at this hour of the night"




  • I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.:confused:




  • Originally posted by Deputy Dawg
    Doggone it.




  • A crab went out to the disco. He danced all night and then he pulled a muscle.




  • why cant blondes eat bananas???
    coz they cant find the zipper!

    Did u hear Michael Jacksons latest song???
    "Dont let your son go down on me..."

    ;););)


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  • Why did Tiggr have no friends?
    Because he played with Pooh




  • Ok folks - please keep it on topic. Next person to go off topic will be banned.

    Mr. Grumpy et al - ease up a little, this is the humour forum. While your "jokes" may be a little abstract and avant garde, there is a very fine line between what you posted and what earns a ban. Lets not get so close to that line again

    OK ?

    Bio




  • How do you know a blondes been on the computer???
    Theres tipp-x on the screen.

    How do you know shes been on it again???
    Shes left cheese for the mouse!!!




  • While traveling through the Deep South, a salesperson stopped at an inn for a meal. When he was through, he asked to use the bathroom. The proprietor pointed to an outhouse in the back.

    After taking a decent sized poop, the man found, to his chagrin, that there was no toilet paper. Instead, there was a small hole in the wall, a slot, and a sign.

    The sign read, "Insert twenty-five cents and your dirty finger will be cleaned with the greatest care, warmth and attention."

    Unhappy but having no other choice, the man used his finger to clean himself, plugged a quarter into the slot, then put his finger in the hole. Unknown to him, a little boy was standing on the other side with a pair of bricks. When the finger came through, the lad smashed it between the bricks!

    Howling with pain, the man put his finger in his mouth...





  • Some are crap, some I really like, some are semi-crude.


    Hear that they've discovered diahorrea (sp?) is inherited? *wait for beguiled look* Yeah, it runs in your jeans.



    What do apples and fishes have in common?
    Neither of them drive tractors



    (Sort of said already)

    An electron walks into a bar and asks for a pint. He asks how much he owes the bar man. Bar man says "No charge". Electron asks if the bar man is sure. Bar man: "Yeah, I'm positive!".

    And so electron wonders off happy as larry and sees e^x all on his own, a bit distant from the crowd. He wanders over and says "e^x; integrate!"


    And finally just a few quotes from the Weakest Link:

    Anne Robinson: "Who was the first Pope?"
    Contestant: "Paul the Second"


    German Anne Robinson: "Which popular chocolate bar is named after the Roman god of war?"
    Contestant: Snickers


    Anne Robinson: "The ancient Greek philosopher Plato* indentified 4 elements, which of these began with 'pyro'?"
    Contestant: Louis Armstrong

    *It was either Plato or Aristotle, dunno.




  • Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

    Because there were no chickens in those days


    Why did the man tie his shoelace?

    Because it was untied and he kept tripping on it:)




  • Raz
    What do you call a fly with no legs?
    A Walk

    Shouldn't that be with no wings?




  • What do you call a fly with no legs ?

    Anything you want he can't hear you..




  • Funny chat-up line

    " I love every bone in your body....... Especially MINE ! ! ! "

    :D


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  • whats got 8 eyes, 7 legs and 1 wing?




    superbeast 37




    -d-


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