One-Liner Jokes

RockinRed

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?







Doughnuts

nasher

What's the difference between Obama and a blonde?
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.
.
.
Nothing they both have black roots :P


What ya call a blonde hiding in a closet?
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.
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1963 Hide and seek champion !

Jay D

A mouse finds a viagra tablet on the floor and being a mouse eats it whole.
Half an hour later he's roaming the house screaming!!
"WHERE'S THAT FU*KIN PUSSY AT NOW"

Capt'n Midnight

A quantum physicist walks into a bar. . . maybe.


Q:What did the lion do to the particle physicists?
A:It lepton him!

Q: Where do bad photons go ?
A: To a prism.

Did you hear about the biologist who had twins?
She baptized one and kept the other as a control!


Scientist - "for my next experiment I intend to prove that neutrons have mass."
Langdon - "neutrons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic"


A small furry animal walks into a bar, orders a drink. Bartender looks at him, says "Sorry, the occupancy is 6.03x10^23. We cannot serve a mole."


Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.



Two gases are talking to each other and they see another gas walk by. . .
gas 1: man that is the IDEAL gas
gas 2: eww you pvnrt!


I wish I was Adenine so I can be paired with U!


A British fellow walks into a chemists shop, grabs a bottle of Adenosine TriPhosphate and tells the man at the counter that he'd like to buy it. The man behind the counter rings it up, then holds out his hand. "Alright, that'll be 80p.


At NIH (National Institute of Health), there is a sign on the door of a microbiology lab that reads "STAPH ONLY!"


If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase...that way I could unzip your genes.



There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."

BaZmO*

Did you actually read what you posted? Most of the "jokes" are duplicated. Or is that a science type joke too?

Capt'n Midnight

BaZmO* wrote: »

Did you actually read what you posted? Most of the "jokes" are duplicated. Or is that a science type joke too?

of course not instead I just used one of these new-fangled automated proof readers yokes that supposed to work really but

it's aBiZmOl :pac:

marcsignal

How do you get a granny to shout "SHITE" ?

Ger another granny to shout "BINGO" !

InkSlinger67

marcsignal wrote: »

How do you get a granny to shout "SHITE" ?

Ger another granny to shout "BINGO" !

LOL! I nearly dropped my lunch just there!

Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near?

Crumbs!

DustyBin

Did you hear about the gay magician? - he disappeared with a puff



What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? - Dooyatinkhesaurus

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Where do gay fish hang out?
At the Aqueerium...

dak

1 ovary said 2 the other "did u order any furniture?" the other ovary said "no why?", "well there's 2 ****in nuts outside trying 2 push an organ in !"

marcsignal

---

did you hear about the jewish kamikazi pilot ?

he managed to crash into his brother-in-laws scrap yard

---

A priest checks into a hotel, and says to the girl at reception

"I hope the Porno Channel in my room is disabled?"

and the girl replies

"No Father, it's just regular Porn, you sick bastard"

---

C0SM0

Why was Uhura black.?



Because William Shatner.!!

A family of amputees robbed a bank.

The police say they are stumped.

marcsignal

Patient: "Doctor, I can't feel my Legs!"

Doctor: "Yes I'm sorry, we had to amputate your arms"

marcsignal

C0SM0 wrote: »

Why was Uhura black.?



Because William Shatner.!!

---

How many ears had Mr.Spock ?

3, the Left ear the right Ear and the Final front ear

---

What do the starship enterprise and a jacks roll have in common?

They both fly around (yo)uranus picking off 'cling ons'

---

ChocolateSauce

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Two, one to screw it in, the other one to **** my ****.

suzbox

a joke is supposed to be funny or so i thought

deadwood

suzbox wrote: »

a joke is supposed to be funny or so i thought

Or supposed to be a one-liner on this thread?

ShagNastii

ChocolateSauce wrote: »

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Two, one to screw it in, the other one to **** my ****.

This is comedy gold, we obviously have a feminist on our hands lads

dak

Was at the cemetery yesterday and I saw some grave diggers walking around the graveyard with a coffin.A few hours later, they were still walking around with the coffin.
I thought to myself...these guys have lost the plot.

dak

This blonde goes into a DIY shop and asks the shop-keeper for a hinge for a door. the shop-keeper asks her does she want a screw for the hinge.

The blonde says no but tells him that she will give him a blo*-job for a tin of paint!

marcsignal

an dublin bloke walks into a brothel in texas, slaps $400 on the counter, and says to the madam:

"I want the ugliest looking woman in the house, and a toasted cheese sandwich"

the madam replies:

"Sir, for that kinda money, you could have the best looking woman in the house, AND a 4 course meal?"

the dub replies:

"You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick"

BaZmO*

One liner?

marcsignal

BaZmO* wrote: »

One liner?

Ah? Apologies...


Q: What did East Germans use for light, BEFORE they used Candles ?

A: Electricity.....


.

Fabritzo

dak wrote: »

Was at the cemetery yesterday and I saw some grave diggers walking around the graveyard with a coffin.A few hours later, they were still walking around with the coffin.
I thought to myself...these guys have lost the plot.

Good, sounds like a Jimmy Carr joke??

demakinz

why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?:D:D


Because he doesnt know hes [black] :eek:

demakinz

what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?


nothing she has already been told twice!!!:eek:

demakinz

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.


Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

101 funniest 1 liners
1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
35. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you're there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
60. It's been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
67. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
76. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What's another word for "thesaurus"?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out

vincenzo1975

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to be more English.
She is now an unmarried mother, with 3 kids, one of them black.
JOB DONE THEN