One-Liner Jokes

Hagar

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor, and says "Make me one with everything." and hands the vendor a $20 note.

When there is no sign of getting any money back the monk asks "What about change?"
The vendor replies "Change must come from within."

BaZmO*

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

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Christmas joke?

Poor Uncle Tom

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

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No L......NOEL...

nacl

Hagar wrote: »

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor, and says "Make me one with everything." and hands the vendor a $20 note.

When there is no sign of getting any money back the monk asks "What about change?"
The vendor replies "Change must come from within."

There is a multistorey car park near me that has just installed these new German payment stations. On the payment slot is the solemn announcement that Change is Possible. I find that very reassuring!

murph226

Paedophiles are f*cking immature assholes

gem25x

didnt read through SEVENTY FIVE pages of one liners so hope im not repeating............. here goes...............


Alzheimers is great - you get to meet new people every day :rolleyes:



If I had legs like hers I'd walk on my hands:D



I've seen a better set of legs on a pool table lol;)

seeker099

What bee can produce milk
Boo Bees


What was the name of the first Zulu to get shot in the 3 hour epic movie Zulu staring Michael Cane.

Will

Because Michael Cane Said " Fire at will..."

scudster

Whats the difference between jelly and jam?









Well ya can't jelly your c*ck up a womans arse!

tbaymusicman

Stupid?
"Why'd the boy fall off his bike?
Cuz someone threw a fridge at him"
"Why did the plane crash?
Cuz the pilot was a loaf of bread"
"Why did the girl fall off the swing?
B'cuz she was dead"

(yea, they are stupid but dont say you didn't laugh)

well i didnt feckin laugh:)there terrible

dave.obrien

what's blue and heavy?

a fridge wearing a denim jacket.

why was it wearing a denim jacket?

cause it's cool.

GiftofGab

scudster wrote: »

Whats the difference between jelly and jam?









Well ya can't jelly your c*ck up a womans arse!

That's my favourite joke of all time!!! Except i use marmalade instead of jelly

Andrewf20

Whats the fastest thing on land?










Stevie Wonders speed boat.

Hagar

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

RHRN

What happens if you give a lawyer viagra?
He gets taller.

Sharpshooter

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, " I'd like a beer and a mop.."

marcsignal

whats the noisiest thing in the world?

a skeleton in a biscuit tin, having a ****

m83

I've just been diagnosed with a tumour. I was horrified at first, but it's starting to grow on me.


/sickipedia


B3ta

Sharpshooter

I'm a kleptomaniac, but I'm taking something for it.

GiftofGab

I went into extravision today and asked the sales assistant "can i rent Batman Forever", he said "no, you have to bring it back tomarrow"

Princessa

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?

2 ft. of my cock in your ass. :eek:

dak

There has been a theft at Euro Disney.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A man has been charged with taking the Mickey.

fobster

Why isn't the stock market rising anymore?








Shit can fall but have you ever seen shit jump?

0854603

Ronalinho is some man, he can lob Seaman from 30 yards. Yeeeert.

David-21

the very first time i read these i cried...i reckon there the funniest one liners ive ever read.depressing but funny

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk
again.


Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has
been killed.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.


Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her
terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.


Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that
their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have
climaxed.


Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to
subsidise her drug habit.'


What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.


Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit
leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass
and then wanders off.


Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest

consultech

David-21 wrote: »

the very first time i read these i cried...i reckon there the funniest one liners ive ever read.depressing but funny

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk
again.


Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has
been killed.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.


Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her
terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.


Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that
their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have
climaxed.


Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to
subsidise her drug habit.'


What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.


Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit
leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass
and then wanders off.


Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest

Titling them as "German sense of humour" jokes makes them so much better.

jc7

Gerald McCarthy has reportedly asked for the senior hurling championship to be postponed to late July, as most of his team will be sitting the junior cert.

EL_Loco

apologies if it's been posted already:

A baby seal walks into a club.....

marcsignal

Elton John is getting a Divorce !

he discovered the husband was having sex behind his back

livindadream

Milky Joe wrote: »

Did you hear about the constipated mathemitician? He worked it out with a pencil.:p oh yes

and it came out in logs...hehe

kronsington

last night i dreamt i wrote "lord of the rings"

it seems i was Tolkien in my sleep....