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One-Liner Jokes

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    #992
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    byrner88 wrote: »
    If blind people wear dark glases why dont deaf people wear ear muffs
    Because blind people's eyes roll all over the place when they talk and as far as I'm aware deaf people's ear's don't roll all over the place when they're talking.


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    #993
    Jay D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,738 ✭✭✭Jay D


    BaZmO* wrote: »
    Because blind people's eyes roll all over the place when they talk and as far as I'm aware deaf people's ear's don't roll all over the place when they're talking.

    was about to say the same thing, although I have known deaf people to wear ear muffs in the North Pole!! Ho ho ho!!!!


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    #994
    Norman213
    Closed Accounts Posts: 60 ✭✭Norman213


    what type of bee gives the most milk??


    ..a boo-bee!!


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    #995
    ChocolateSauce
    Registered Users Posts: 2,892 ✭✭✭ChocolateSauce


    Person A: Your moral relativism doesn't work for me.
    Person B: It does for me.

    ---

    Hit me, said the masochist.

    No, said the sadist.


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    #996
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,019 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Alas, poor kciroy... I knew him... backwards...

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #997
    Jay D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,738 ✭✭✭Jay D


    Two peanuts walk into a bar.
    One was a salted.

    What do you call a sheep with no legs?
    A cloud

    What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
    Humphreys

    What do cows do for entertainment?
    They rent moovies !

    What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
    DAMN!

    If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

    How do you stop a fish from smelling?
    Cut its nose off

    What do you call a fish with no eye ?
    FSH !

    What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
    I have no I-Deer

    What is invisable and smells like carrots?
    Rabbit farts.

    What is a dogs favourite school subject?
    "Dog-Ruff-E "

    Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
    Because the Parots-ate-em-all

    Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
    He was charged with battery.

    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
    Juan on Juan.

    Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
    Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

    What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
    Lipstick


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    #998
    Doc
    Registered Users Posts: 2,670 ✭✭✭Doc


    I got an ant farm... them fellas didn't grow ****!


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    #999
    Doc
    Registered Users Posts: 2,670 ✭✭✭Doc


    I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said **** that, I'll just get a tan instead.



    I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.



    I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bull**** replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree.



    I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck, don't go see Dr. Acula.



    The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.



    I used to do drugs... I still do, but I used to, too.



    Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus?


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    #1000
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Gotta love Mitch Hedberg


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    #1001
    ShaunC
    Registered Users Posts: 919 ✭✭✭ShaunC


    heard this in "shoot em up"
    Whats the difference between a gun and a woman.....



    You can put a silencer on a gun. :D


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    #1002
    Poor Uncle Tom
    Registered Users Posts: 14,544 ✭✭✭✭Poor Uncle Tom


    Bu wrote: »
    How do you know when there's an elephant in your bed?

    It's the one with the 'E' on it's pyjamas


    How do you know when there's an elephant under your bed?

    Your nose is pressed against the ceiling.


    How do you know when there's an elephant in your fridge?

    You'll see the footprints in the butter.


    How do you kill a blue elephant?

    Shoot him with a blue elephant gun.


    How do you kill a pink elephant?

    Hold his trunk until he turns blue and shoot him with the blue elephant gun.


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    #1003
    spoutwell
    Closed Accounts Posts: 82 ✭✭spoutwell


    Shacklebolt wrote: »
    My girlfriend wanted to be treated like a princess-so I crashed her Mercedes into a tunnel wall

    That's a bit half-hearted - you should have given her a protective visor and sent her to clear a few minefields.









    She'd be in bits!


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    #1004
    irish5er
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭irish5er


    Whats pink and dangerous ?

    A pig with a penknife


    A man walks into a fish shop with a salmon under his arm
    "Do you sell fishcakes ? " he asks
    'No" the shop keeper replies
    'Pity, its his birthday today !" he says pointing at the salmon
    :D


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    #1005
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,857 Mod ✭✭✭✭Insect Overlord


    What's pink and hard?




    The Leaving Cert Honors Maths paper.


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    #1006
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    The family dog died after jumping into the washing machine

    .
    .

    The Wife said " At least he died in Comfort" !


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    #1007
    flushje
    Registered Users Posts: 803 ✭✭✭flushje


    Paedofiles are ****ing immature arseholes.


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    #1008
    DefenseSoapEire
    Closed Accounts Posts: 61 ✭✭DefenseSoapEire


    dak wrote: »
    The family dog died after jumping into the washing machine

    .
    .

    The Wife said " At least he died in Comfort" !


    excellent :D


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    #1009
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".


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    #1010
    alvysinger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭alvysinger


    What do you get if you cross RTE with a sitcom?

    You get the legendary ROARING TWENTIES.

    Finally up on youtube after all this time....

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmfvClO4JLM


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    #1011
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,717 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

    "I don't believe you," says Dolly.

    "It's true, straight up, no bull!"


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    #1012
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,717 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


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    #1013
    J-Doll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 28 ✭J-Doll


    Why are there no bookies in China?
    Because they don't like Tibet


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    #1014
    suzbox
    Closed Accounts Posts: 56 ✭✭suzbox


    whats pink fluffy nd blue.......pink fluff holding its breath


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    #1015
    Poor Uncle Tom
    Registered Users Posts: 14,544 ✭✭✭✭Poor Uncle Tom


    suzbox wrote: »
    whats pink fluffy nd blue.......pink fluff holding its breath

    At last someone's found my level..

    What's green and gooey..?
    Green goo.

    What's blue and gooey..?
    Green goo holding its breath.


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    #1016
    tippspur
    Registered Users Posts: 4,057 ✭✭✭tippspur


    What do you call a man with a slice of meat on his head ? HAMED..What do you call a man with 2 slices of ham on his head ? MOHAMED..What do you call a man with 2 slices of ham on his head and sitting on a washing machine ? SHAKE MOHAMED...A tortoise was just about to cross the road when the chicken came up to him and said...don't do it, you'll never hear the fcukin end of it. :)


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    #1017
    suzbox
    Closed Accounts Posts: 56 ✭✭suzbox


    Poor Uncle Tom wrote: »
    At last someone's found my level..

    What's green and gooey..?
    Green goo.

    What's blue and gooey..?
    Green goo holding its breath.
    haha im so thiefing them (excuse my spelling)


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    #1018
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,019 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Poor Uncle Tom wrote: »
    At last someone's found my level..

    What's green and gooey..?
    Green goo.

    What's blue and gooey..?
    Green goo holding its breath.

    What's pink and gooey?
    Gay goo!

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #1019
    kronsington
    Registered Users Posts: 2,009 ✭✭✭kronsington


    did anyone see the movie about the tractor?
    no? me neither, i only saw the trailer...


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    #1020
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    kronsington wrote: »
    did anyone see the movie about the tractor?
    no? me neither, i only saw the trailer...

    I saw the same movie, didn't see the trailer ! Only saw the Tractor turn into a field!


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    #1021
    atellyer
    Registered Users Posts: 62 ✭✭atellyer


    kronsington wrote: »
    did anyone see the movie about the tractor?
    no? me neither, i only saw the trailer...

    was it out standing in its own field...


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